I earlier wrote:There is a guy named Jack Kornfield, big name in mediation. (I'm not suggesting you meditate just yet but) One of his lectures talks about struggling with the practice of meditation and he asks; "What if practicing is so hard you just can't do it? What if sitting still is so difficult you feel your going to die? What to do? "Die"."
Now, of course he's not telling any one to die. But when we try to stop in the middle of our frenetic lives for a moment and sit, all of our sordid thoughts an feelings we keep pushing away with activity, they come rushing in and won't give us a minutes peace. He's telling us it's OK (especially in meditation)to die to those feelings and to carry on.
So how does that pertain to you?
I can imagine how hard it is to keep these feeling from crashing in.
I also earlier wrote:When you do get the chance, a "reprieve", once again the darkness comes crashing in. This will overwhelm you and anyone who wants to help you. What Jack Kornfield (I think is saying) is that you can die to those feelings for some periods of time and carry on, and not die. These feelings want to be examined and they can be resolved, but over time and not in the middle of a relationship. Much of the work will be done by you alone and I believe you can do it. And you can find a healthy relationship. And you eventually may share these feelings but in a more refined, more resolved form. And your life will be richer for that.
It's OK to give up some times. I feel like I've been giving up each day for years. Some people will tell you , you have to carry your burden and carry on. You can put that burden down sometimes. It's not defeat. It will be right there waiting for. You don't have to do it all at once.
Don't give on us though. We're here for whatever help we can provide.
