Hi CrazyLady17,
Do you mind my asking what it is in particular that has you feeling so down? If you don't mind talking about it, is there anything specific that has you feeling this depressed? It may help you to get it off your chest, you know?
You obviously have people here that are willing to show you support. I believe you should take this opportunity to open up more. You don't seem to feel as though you've much to lose, so, sharing more in depth may help you a bunch. It would also help us to offer you some feedback you may find useful. Good luck to you....Awaiting your response...
@ Sara! I left u a pm a few days ago! (just so u know, k)
I'm worthless?
Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
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CrazyLady17
What's the point in sharing anything in depth anymore? I feel like nobody wants me here anyways. I PM people and they read the PM, but don't reply. I find that pretty damn hurtful and upsetting for me as I'm struggling a lot right now and trying my damn hardest to stay alive right now.
The problem is;
When my bestfriend committed suicide two months ago and I was the one who found her dead on her bathroom floor. I knew she had plans to commit suicide- but promised her I wouldn't tell a soul about them, I didn't know she was actually going to act on her suicidal feelings though. I thought they would pass, but no she did it alright. Now I'm the one left suffering, hurting, feeling so guilty and feeling even more depressed than before that happened.
Also I had a miscarriage back in march of this year and my break up with my boyfriend of two years. So I'm pretty screwed up in the head and that's why I'm feeling so damn depressed and suicidal.
The problem is;
When my bestfriend committed suicide two months ago and I was the one who found her dead on her bathroom floor. I knew she had plans to commit suicide- but promised her I wouldn't tell a soul about them, I didn't know she was actually going to act on her suicidal feelings though. I thought they would pass, but no she did it alright. Now I'm the one left suffering, hurting, feeling so guilty and feeling even more depressed than before that happened.
Also I had a miscarriage back in march of this year and my break up with my boyfriend of two years. So I'm pretty screwed up in the head and that's why I'm feeling so damn depressed and suicidal.
YES. Time will help change the way you feel. ALL inner and outer wounds improve with time- as long as long as you do what you can to treat them. It's good that you are. Thank you for trusting us enough to help you, and for sharing what it is that's so painful.
I'm not going to lie to you. Maybe there will always feel some bit of guilt for your friend's suicide. However, there will come a time, hopefully sooner than later, when you realize that there was nothing you could have done. You mentioned that although she told you her plan for demise, you didn't actually think she would follow through with it. From someone on the outside, looking in, this makes a world of sense to me. Why? As human beings, it is in our nature to hope for the best, rather than believe in the devastating alternative. But, please believe me also, when I say that you are not the only one who has been (and is) in this horrible kind of predicament...
With suicide on the rise nowadays, there are many who stand in your shoes...asking themselves what they could have done, and riding a nightmare train of self blame. There are also people who took a loved one's threats of suicide 100% earnestly. They did everything they imagined they should do in such a situation, only for things to turn out tragically regardless. What do many of thes e people live with? Guilt... It's our emotional nature to consider the 'what ifs.'
Usually, there's no easy answer, because people will blame themselves for things they can't even change- nor could have, even if they'd done all they wished they'd had.
NO, it was not your fault your friend took her own life. Deep within your heart, I think you know that though. I believe you want to blame yourself, rather than feel any hurt or anger towards your friend. After all, it was HER decision, not yours. My wish for you is that you forgive your friend, that you stop blaming YOU for what you could not help, and that you do NOT use your friend's suicide as an excuse to end your OWN life...
For the sake of argument? If you were to commit suicide, take my word for it that at least one person would feel somehow responsible! Do you want to place another person in a scenario similar to yours? This is something worth considering.
I also want you to know that I'm very sorry about your miscarriage! There were a couple of times when I experienced the same, so I do know how you feel. My solace is in knowing that my babies are in heaven, and infinitely happy.
Please look for a pm, between now and tomorrow night. Until then, stay strong- knowing, in truth, that you are NOT worthless. Anything that tells you opposite of this comes straight from hell. Don't listen to it! You're extra vulnerable right now, due to heightened emotional pain. Surround yourself with people who care about you, and don't dwell on thoughts that are negative nor self-accusatory.
I will talk to you soon, okay? Take care
I'm not going to lie to you. Maybe there will always feel some bit of guilt for your friend's suicide. However, there will come a time, hopefully sooner than later, when you realize that there was nothing you could have done. You mentioned that although she told you her plan for demise, you didn't actually think she would follow through with it. From someone on the outside, looking in, this makes a world of sense to me. Why? As human beings, it is in our nature to hope for the best, rather than believe in the devastating alternative. But, please believe me also, when I say that you are not the only one who has been (and is) in this horrible kind of predicament...
With suicide on the rise nowadays, there are many who stand in your shoes...asking themselves what they could have done, and riding a nightmare train of self blame. There are also people who took a loved one's threats of suicide 100% earnestly. They did everything they imagined they should do in such a situation, only for things to turn out tragically regardless. What do many of thes e people live with? Guilt... It's our emotional nature to consider the 'what ifs.'
Usually, there's no easy answer, because people will blame themselves for things they can't even change- nor could have, even if they'd done all they wished they'd had.
NO, it was not your fault your friend took her own life. Deep within your heart, I think you know that though. I believe you want to blame yourself, rather than feel any hurt or anger towards your friend. After all, it was HER decision, not yours. My wish for you is that you forgive your friend, that you stop blaming YOU for what you could not help, and that you do NOT use your friend's suicide as an excuse to end your OWN life...
For the sake of argument? If you were to commit suicide, take my word for it that at least one person would feel somehow responsible! Do you want to place another person in a scenario similar to yours? This is something worth considering.
I also want you to know that I'm very sorry about your miscarriage! There were a couple of times when I experienced the same, so I do know how you feel. My solace is in knowing that my babies are in heaven, and infinitely happy.
Please look for a pm, between now and tomorrow night. Until then, stay strong- knowing, in truth, that you are NOT worthless. Anything that tells you opposite of this comes straight from hell. Don't listen to it! You're extra vulnerable right now, due to heightened emotional pain. Surround yourself with people who care about you, and don't dwell on thoughts that are negative nor self-accusatory.
I will talk to you soon, okay? Take care
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CrazyLady17
Ah thank you for you're reply.
This was a lovely reply to bring a smile to my face this morning to be honest with you. So thank you for all you're support, mom words, advise and jist generally replying and taking the time to read and reply. When I know I just ramble on half of the time. Ops!
Okay I will try and stay strong, safe and positive until then. Wait! A PM from who? You? Or someone else? I am a little confused here aha, sorry. I'm very tired and just not with it at all today!
I will try and keep that in mind, honestly I will. But I guess it's easier said than done, right? I suppose her death wasn't my fault, but I still carry on blaming myself and I will blame myself for the rest of my life. I've been fly with some much guilt, suffering and hurt and to be honest that's not fair on me, right?
I do forgive my best friend! I would never hate her! To be honest if anything I hate myself right now! I should of stopped her or told someone.
I'm such a bad person
Thank you!
This was a lovely reply to bring a smile to my face this morning to be honest with you. So thank you for all you're support, mom words, advise and jist generally replying and taking the time to read and reply. When I know I just ramble on half of the time. Ops!
Okay I will try and stay strong, safe and positive until then. Wait! A PM from who? You? Or someone else? I am a little confused here aha, sorry. I'm very tired and just not with it at all today!
I will try and keep that in mind, honestly I will. But I guess it's easier said than done, right? I suppose her death wasn't my fault, but I still carry on blaming myself and I will blame myself for the rest of my life. I've been fly with some much guilt, suffering and hurt and to be honest that's not fair on me, right?
I do forgive my best friend! I would never hate her! To be honest if anything I hate myself right now! I should of stopped her or told someone.
I'm such a bad person
Thank you!
Good girl!
Strong. Safe and positive.
I was very glad to hear this from you, this morning. To be honest with you, this put a smile of some relief in my heart.
I'm sorry I wasn't clear enough earlier; The pm will be from me, sometime today or this evening. Hang in there, and no more calling yourself a "bad person." How can you call yourself a "bad person," when you have acknowledged the truth? (that it is not your fault what happened)
I believe that your friend would desire that your self-blame end, also. Am I correct in this assumption?
Try to have a calm day, and I will talk to you soon.
Thank you for truly listening to my earlier reply...
Strong. Safe and positive.
I was very glad to hear this from you, this morning. To be honest with you, this put a smile of some relief in my heart.
I'm sorry I wasn't clear enough earlier; The pm will be from me, sometime today or this evening. Hang in there, and no more calling yourself a "bad person." How can you call yourself a "bad person," when you have acknowledged the truth? (that it is not your fault what happened)
I believe that your friend would desire that your self-blame end, also. Am I correct in this assumption?
Try to have a calm day, and I will talk to you soon.
Thank you for truly listening to my earlier reply...
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CrazyLady17
Tehe 
Making me blush! Aww why did it make you smile and some relief in you're heart?
Ah no that's okay- thank you for making it more clearer to me. Oh okay, then I wait and look forward to a PM from you pretty soon then aye? What's this PM all about anyway? Getting a little scared now aha....
I guess it's because I knew her plans to commit suicide and i didn't tell anyone and once again I'm the one that's left with all the suffering, hurt and guilt. Been feeling so worthless all day, and feeling quite low and been crying since I got home from the homeless shelter
Feel like a roller-coaster at the moment!
Making me blush! Aww why did it make you smile and some relief in you're heart?
Ah no that's okay- thank you for making it more clearer to me. Oh okay, then I wait and look forward to a PM from you pretty soon then aye? What's this PM all about anyway? Getting a little scared now aha....
I guess it's because I knew her plans to commit suicide and i didn't tell anyone and once again I'm the one that's left with all the suffering, hurt and guilt. Been feeling so worthless all day, and feeling quite low and been crying since I got home from the homeless shelter
Feel like a roller-coaster at the moment!
I can totally understand your feelings over your friends death and your involvement. It's not like anyone can wave a magic wand and make it go away, that's why I'm glad your posting here and getting out of the house to volunteer. It's going to take time and over that time you will hopefully come to believe that you made the best decision you knew how based on the facts you had. That's all any one can ever do.
It's important that you don't let the past interfere with your ability, now, to keep making the best decisions you know how.
It's important that you don't let the past interfere with your ability, now, to keep making the best decisions you know how.
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CrazyLady17
Yes exactly, and you know exactly how I feel as we have talked over PM before of course... Hmm yes I feel very much responsible for my best friends death and probably will always feel that way... Will I?
I hope not! As all these feelings are so overwhelming for me again ah.
Yes I suppose you're totally right there Frame.
Yep. Yes keeping myself busy and all at the moment- but feel so drained and things... But worst part is I feel worthless and very very low again? These feelings don't seem to want to go away and leaver alone
Thank you. And I will keep on posting here
I hope not! As all these feelings are so overwhelming for me again ah.
Yes I suppose you're totally right there Frame.
Yep. Yes keeping myself busy and all at the moment- but feel so drained and things... But worst part is I feel worthless and very very low again? These feelings don't seem to want to go away and leaver alone
Thank you. And I will keep on posting here
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CrazyLady17
Hate it when people say to me;
"Gosh you are so worthless, you don't deserve to be happy or even be here". Makes me wonder why I have such judgemental and harsh "friends", also makes me wonder why I am so depressed....
Maybe they are all right? I am worthless. I don't deserve to be happy... Right? I don't belong here... Right?
I am a nasty piece of work who is such a horrinle monster...
Oh why. Oh why!!
I hate this depression and feelings.
"Gosh you are so worthless, you don't deserve to be happy or even be here". Makes me wonder why I have such judgemental and harsh "friends", also makes me wonder why I am so depressed....
Maybe they are all right? I am worthless. I don't deserve to be happy... Right? I don't belong here... Right?
I am a nasty piece of work who is such a horrinle monster...
Oh why. Oh why!!
I hate this depression and feelings.
@crazylady,
First of all don't give up on this site...there are times when no one replies to ur posts...but then suddenly u get to see replies!!!
No no, i am not saying this just to console u, for proofs! u can see a looong list of my posts on others' forums which have not been attended yet. It's not like that those people don't want to attend me...it just happens sometimes...they myt have forgotten or something else but they don't hate me or anything like that. After all, this site is for the healing of those who r emotionally hurt. Right?
About ur story!
I read ur conversations.
First of all just sit calmly and think practically. Ask ur self honestly and think with ur head and NOT with ur heart. If at all u had told about ur friend's suicidal thoughts to someone or her family...cud they stop her from committing it??? I know ur heart myt have been cursing u like "if i had told someone...if someone smart had convinced her to give up on suicidal thoughts...she have been sitting next to me". Am i right?
Now answer this,
Ieris, 4everme, Eliois & others on this site have been trying to help u to stop thinking that u r NOT worthless, u r NOT hopeless. But still u ended up writing "i ended up in A&E...i have suicidal thoughts"
What my point here is, no one can convince u to give up on suicidal thoughts, no one can convince u to live life happily without expectations. But yes, our well-wishers and dear ones and ur friends here no this site can listen u with utmost genuineness and can try to show the right path and can tell u what is right and what is not.
But in the end it is u who have to take the step for ur own goodwill.
In the same way YOU and ur friend's dear ones myt have tried to convince her not feel sad and to move on or to fight with her personal depressing, triggering issues. U myt have tried to show her right path. Okay, i agree no one had tried to convince her to give up on her suicidal thoughts because no one knew. But i am sure u had tried.
But like i told u, same applies to ur friend. It was her who had to take a step for her good life. U cud only tell her or u cud only listen her with a warm heart...and u did that. If u had told others, they wud have done the same and not a new thing that u hadn't thought of!
Because u were the only one who knew that she had been thinking of this drastic step, that's why u have been blaming urself. But trust me, no one cud save it.
Now read ur all replies in this forum. Read like u r stranger to urself.
Do u also want to end up like ur friend??? I am not a heartless person. I totally understand how it feels...this feeling of guilty. I know. I have experienced the same thing in a different way. So i know exactly how u myt have been feeling.
But just try to answer this to urself and to me,
If at all u end up like ur friend by committing suicide or by ruining ur daily life by such suicidal thoughts...who is going to get benefited by that?
Today, the way u r feeling bad about urself...because u cudn't help ur friend.Tomorrow, someone else will be feeling even more bad...because that person will have same thoughts...that he or she cudn't help u in the right time, although it is u who need to take the right step to change the life.
I know dear, its not easy...its not an one day task. It takes a Hell a lot of courage and willpower to see the screwed up life with positive spirit. But we all are here to help u. But like i said, our efforts are just meaningless unless u try to gather ur own WILLPOWER.
Whenever suicidal thoughts come to ur mind, just look at ur parents and ur dear friends...then just tell urself...u will be freed from ur sorrows by committing suicide but what about them! They all love u. So live for them and gradually their smiles will help u to develop courage and will to live for ur own self and not just for others.
I hope i haven't annoyed u!
If at all i have, i apologize.
Plz give us a name of ur choice, i can't address u as "hey hi crazylady...how r u doing!!" U r not crazy. U ve a kind heart and that's the reason u are feeling this bad...for something u are not to be blamed for. In my world, people deliberately hurt others emotionally...and then they move on...don't even care to turn and check if u r alright/alive or dead, AND then here...YOU!...drenched in guilt for something u dint do deliberately / intentionally. Yes u ARE crazy...in this way only.
Sara.
P.S
I have this bad habit of writing looong posts. So bear with me plz!
and when i asked for a NAME, i don't want u to reveal ur real name.Oki.
@Ieris,
being a med student, i think i shld prescribe myself to read ur posts to me, because they always help me to think differently and moreover positively.
Thank u so much, Ieris!
@4everme,
heyeeee hellooozz U R Back!!!
Now plz take care of ur health, okay. I just replied to ur pm...a few minutes ago.
First of all don't give up on this site...there are times when no one replies to ur posts...but then suddenly u get to see replies!!!
No no, i am not saying this just to console u, for proofs! u can see a looong list of my posts on others' forums which have not been attended yet. It's not like that those people don't want to attend me...it just happens sometimes...they myt have forgotten or something else but they don't hate me or anything like that. After all, this site is for the healing of those who r emotionally hurt. Right?
About ur story!
I read ur conversations.
First of all just sit calmly and think practically. Ask ur self honestly and think with ur head and NOT with ur heart. If at all u had told about ur friend's suicidal thoughts to someone or her family...cud they stop her from committing it??? I know ur heart myt have been cursing u like "if i had told someone...if someone smart had convinced her to give up on suicidal thoughts...she have been sitting next to me". Am i right?
Now answer this,
Ieris, 4everme, Eliois & others on this site have been trying to help u to stop thinking that u r NOT worthless, u r NOT hopeless. But still u ended up writing "i ended up in A&E...i have suicidal thoughts"
What my point here is, no one can convince u to give up on suicidal thoughts, no one can convince u to live life happily without expectations. But yes, our well-wishers and dear ones and ur friends here no this site can listen u with utmost genuineness and can try to show the right path and can tell u what is right and what is not.
But in the end it is u who have to take the step for ur own goodwill.
In the same way YOU and ur friend's dear ones myt have tried to convince her not feel sad and to move on or to fight with her personal depressing, triggering issues. U myt have tried to show her right path. Okay, i agree no one had tried to convince her to give up on her suicidal thoughts because no one knew. But i am sure u had tried.
But like i told u, same applies to ur friend. It was her who had to take a step for her good life. U cud only tell her or u cud only listen her with a warm heart...and u did that. If u had told others, they wud have done the same and not a new thing that u hadn't thought of!
Because u were the only one who knew that she had been thinking of this drastic step, that's why u have been blaming urself. But trust me, no one cud save it.
Now read ur all replies in this forum. Read like u r stranger to urself.
Do u also want to end up like ur friend??? I am not a heartless person. I totally understand how it feels...this feeling of guilty. I know. I have experienced the same thing in a different way. So i know exactly how u myt have been feeling.
But just try to answer this to urself and to me,
If at all u end up like ur friend by committing suicide or by ruining ur daily life by such suicidal thoughts...who is going to get benefited by that?
Today, the way u r feeling bad about urself...because u cudn't help ur friend.Tomorrow, someone else will be feeling even more bad...because that person will have same thoughts...that he or she cudn't help u in the right time, although it is u who need to take the right step to change the life.
I know dear, its not easy...its not an one day task. It takes a Hell a lot of courage and willpower to see the screwed up life with positive spirit. But we all are here to help u. But like i said, our efforts are just meaningless unless u try to gather ur own WILLPOWER.
Whenever suicidal thoughts come to ur mind, just look at ur parents and ur dear friends...then just tell urself...u will be freed from ur sorrows by committing suicide but what about them! They all love u. So live for them and gradually their smiles will help u to develop courage and will to live for ur own self and not just for others.
I hope i haven't annoyed u!
If at all i have, i apologize.
Plz give us a name of ur choice, i can't address u as "hey hi crazylady...how r u doing!!" U r not crazy. U ve a kind heart and that's the reason u are feeling this bad...for something u are not to be blamed for. In my world, people deliberately hurt others emotionally...and then they move on...don't even care to turn and check if u r alright/alive or dead, AND then here...YOU!...drenched in guilt for something u dint do deliberately / intentionally. Yes u ARE crazy...in this way only.
Sara.
P.S
I have this bad habit of writing looong posts. So bear with me plz!
and when i asked for a NAME, i don't want u to reveal ur real name.Oki.
@Ieris,
being a med student, i think i shld prescribe myself to read ur posts to me, because they always help me to think differently and moreover positively.
Thank u so much, Ieris!
@4everme,
heyeeee hellooozz U R Back!!!
Now plz take care of ur health, okay. I just replied to ur pm...a few minutes ago.
-
CrazyLady17
Not giving up on this site? What the hell?!!
I mean giving up on life? Not tho site gosh!!
Wow... A little harsh there, aren't you
Make me feel even worse...
I cannot control the way I feel and if I feel suicidal then that's that I suppose, like I said I can't control the way I feel(wish I could though)!!
Oh and you can call me; Abbz
I mean giving up on life? Not tho site gosh!!
Wow... A little harsh there, aren't you
Make me feel even worse...
I cannot control the way I feel and if I feel suicidal then that's that I suppose, like I said I can't control the way I feel(wish I could though)!!
Oh and you can call me; Abbz
Hi Abbz,
Oh my god!!!!
I am really really sorry dear, if my words have sounded Harsh to u and if i have hurt u in ANY way. But trust me, i had no intentions to be harsh or rude or insensitive or anything like that to u. I deep heartedly apologize.
Actually when i read all ur replies to everyone else. Ur Following sentences made me to think that because no one ws replying to u earlier that's u said
** What's the point in sharing anything in depth anymore? I feel like nobody wants me here anyways. I PM people and they read the PM, but don't reply. I find that pretty damn hurtful and upsetting for me as I'm struggling a lot right now and trying my damn hardest to stay alive right now.**
**I am worthless and I'm better off not here. End of**
And because of following sentences, i thought that because of ur best friend's suicide u r soo much in guilt that u r thinking of suicide...
**Well I've officially given up.
Already harmed myself today(went A&E though and now fine). **
**I'm better off dead?**
**my depression taking over.
I'm starting to give up.**
** I still feel so worthless and suicidal?
Nothing will change the way I feel... Will it?**
Please, i am sorry if i have misunderstood u and ur sentences. But my intentions will always be directed towards helping others (and u of course) and not hurting others.
Sorry again.
Sara.
Oh my god!!!!
I am really really sorry dear, if my words have sounded Harsh to u and if i have hurt u in ANY way. But trust me, i had no intentions to be harsh or rude or insensitive or anything like that to u. I deep heartedly apologize.
Actually when i read all ur replies to everyone else. Ur Following sentences made me to think that because no one ws replying to u earlier that's u said
** What's the point in sharing anything in depth anymore? I feel like nobody wants me here anyways. I PM people and they read the PM, but don't reply. I find that pretty damn hurtful and upsetting for me as I'm struggling a lot right now and trying my damn hardest to stay alive right now.**
**I am worthless and I'm better off not here. End of**
And because of following sentences, i thought that because of ur best friend's suicide u r soo much in guilt that u r thinking of suicide...
**Well I've officially given up.
Already harmed myself today(went A&E though and now fine). **
**I'm better off dead?**
**my depression taking over.
I'm starting to give up.**
** I still feel so worthless and suicidal?
Nothing will change the way I feel... Will it?**
Please, i am sorry if i have misunderstood u and ur sentences. But my intentions will always be directed towards helping others (and u of course) and not hurting others.
Sorry again.
Sara.
-
CrazyLady17
No!! It's okay- don't worry it's fine honestly
I am past all that now anyway; got bigger issues on my mind than this thread to be honest with you...
Nope it's okay, you are forgiven don't worry... Yes I admit you're post did hurt me and did make me feel a little upset- but like I said I'm past that now and I do see where you're coming from I totally so, so don't worry about it.
But I didn't mean the site at all honestly and I promise that!
This site is my world infact!!
It's just I feel so isolated and insecure I feel like nobody cares etc.... Does that make sense? That's all.
I wasn't meaning the "site".
Hmm...
It's fine
I am past all that now anyway; got bigger issues on my mind than this thread to be honest with you...
Nope it's okay, you are forgiven don't worry... Yes I admit you're post did hurt me and did make me feel a little upset- but like I said I'm past that now and I do see where you're coming from I totally so, so don't worry about it.
But I didn't mean the site at all honestly and I promise that!
This site is my world infact!!
It's just I feel so isolated and insecure I feel like nobody cares etc.... Does that make sense? That's all.
I wasn't meaning the "site".
Hmm...
It's fine
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