I am thinking about drains. What is it to drain? That's where or when stuff leaves, goes away. Where does it go? We don't care do we? If something is draining your battery all we care is that it gets recharged, right? If the drain in your sink is clogged, all we care is to open is and make the water go away. It'still about energy though. The water drains by gravity (gravitational energy).
I am sure some of you have already guessed that I'm thinking about emotional drains right now.
Drain
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Emotional Drains
I was talking to a friend yesterday. I call him a friend not because he acts all that much like a I would expect a friend to act, but we have many things in common to share, and I know, he's being the friend he knows how to be. (We have to accept people as they, not how we want them to be. Otherwise we're always disappointed. Besides, he probably feels the same about me.)
But I digress. He mentioned he's always helping people out and he never gets anything in return; he's going to stop getting involved with emotionally draining situations. The thing is; he mentioned some of the people he "let" drain him, and I know these are people he approached. He needed their help. Yes, these were needy people, but he approached them because he needed things done. He let them do things for him (often against both our better judgement) because he couldn't afford professional help. And when ever you get involved with people in crisis you get the baggage that comes along with them.
I'm getting to the drain thing.
But I digress. He mentioned he's always helping people out and he never gets anything in return; he's going to stop getting involved with emotionally draining situations. The thing is; he mentioned some of the people he "let" drain him, and I know these are people he approached. He needed their help. Yes, these were needy people, but he approached them because he needed things done. He let them do things for him (often against both our better judgement) because he couldn't afford professional help. And when ever you get involved with people in crisis you get the baggage that comes along with them.
I'm getting to the drain thing.
Last edited by Frame on Fri Nov 22, 2013 10:54 am, edited 1 time in total.
Emotional Exchange
So my friend looks at these relationships with needy people and feels robbed. I think there are two reasons for this (just like the charge and discharge of a battery). On the one hand, there will be some emotional outlay in any interaction. And my friend is a bit of an emotional vampire; is generally walking around emotionally depleted, so every outlay (every drain) is precious to him. He feels it more intently.
But He also can't get too involved in many of the problems he wants solved; he just wants them to go away. Well, if you hire a non-professional and pay them partially with sympathy, how simply is problem going to disappear? So, while he asks for and hopes for resolution, he doesn't value the work, partly because he gets what he pays for and partly because he feels, emotionally, he paid to much.
So he ends up, emotionally depleted and being harassed by an only partially solved problem.
But He also can't get too involved in many of the problems he wants solved; he just wants them to go away. Well, if you hire a non-professional and pay them partially with sympathy, how simply is problem going to disappear? So, while he asks for and hopes for resolution, he doesn't value the work, partly because he gets what he pays for and partly because he feels, emotionally, he paid to much.
So he ends up, emotionally depleted and being harassed by an only partially solved problem.
Emotional Charging
I think my point is that my friend has a problem of value, based on not clearly seeing (being aware of) what is draining his energy and what is charging his energy.
I think, the fact that he isn't always willing to look closely and clearly at a problem means, he doesn't see the value in it's solution; he doesn't understand the energy expended (physically, emotionally, or mentally). On top of that an inexperienced person expends even more energy to solve a problem.
Not only does my friend usually have an emotional deficit, but he genuinely cares about people. He values emotional currency and sees it's power. And because he has trouble getting enough he places a higher value on it.
I think that if we have clear expectations (a big problem of my own) for ourselves and for others it's easier not to be caught short or feel cheated.
I also think that, as painful as it may be, the more clearly we can see our own problems, then the more accurately we can value their solutions. That's the emotional charging side. If we don't accurately value what it takes to solve our problems (if we just want to wake up with them gone) then we can't really feel the positive value (the recharging potential) when we do make progress.
It may be the valuing of that recharge potential, the emotional charging, involved in expended energy toward progress, that allows happiness to linger.
I think, the fact that he isn't always willing to look closely and clearly at a problem means, he doesn't see the value in it's solution; he doesn't understand the energy expended (physically, emotionally, or mentally). On top of that an inexperienced person expends even more energy to solve a problem.
Not only does my friend usually have an emotional deficit, but he genuinely cares about people. He values emotional currency and sees it's power. And because he has trouble getting enough he places a higher value on it.
I think that if we have clear expectations (a big problem of my own) for ourselves and for others it's easier not to be caught short or feel cheated.
I also think that, as painful as it may be, the more clearly we can see our own problems, then the more accurately we can value their solutions. That's the emotional charging side. If we don't accurately value what it takes to solve our problems (if we just want to wake up with them gone) then we can't really feel the positive value (the recharging potential) when we do make progress.
It may be the valuing of that recharge potential, the emotional charging, involved in expended energy toward progress, that allows happiness to linger.
I honestly think that some people like to help others with their problems just so that they don't have to work on their own problems. Helping/talking to people in situations a lot worse than your own can help make you feel more fortunate and can make your own problems look so small in comparison to theirs. Also when you are giving advice/ suggestions to others sometimes they are indirectly talking to themselves. So regarding your friend, although others are draining his battery but perhaps in some way they are also charging him up at the same time?
About your drain theory, when it gets blocked rather than flushing so hard to get rid of it, for it to only get blocked somewhere else in your system. Just because you cant see it, doesn't mean its not there, almost like hiding it under the carpet. Why not just take the time to pick up that stuff and throw it out of your system completely?
About your drain theory, when it gets blocked rather than flushing so hard to get rid of it, for it to only get blocked somewhere else in your system. Just because you cant see it, doesn't mean its not there, almost like hiding it under the carpet. Why not just take the time to pick up that stuff and throw it out of your system completely?
Last edited by Ieris on Wed Nov 27, 2013 8:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
Hi Ieris,
I totally agree u. Things are like this only...at least with me. It happens so many times with me that while guiding someone else thru their hard time, i indirectly start understanding the real depth of my own problems. If i say metaphorically, sometimes when we try to understand other s problems and try to solve them...the whole thing make us non biased for our own problems and it is at that moment when we surprise ourselves by seeing at our own problems from a very different angel / perspective.
And yes although it doesn't sound good but yes sometimes i feel like my problems r not as monstrous as some people i know have. May be that's the reason why i haven't shared my own life's story as yet.
On this site, when i read a newcomer's story and if i don't find words to console or to help or to solve their problems...it comes to my mind that "what a whiney person i am...for having so small small problems." so i guess this way i got charged indirectly to deal with my own problems.
But plz don't think that i am a selfish devil who enjoys listening to others sorrows. I really hate myself when i don't find answers...words to solve other's problems or just to console someone. I really hate it when i lack words.
I totally agree u. Things are like this only...at least with me. It happens so many times with me that while guiding someone else thru their hard time, i indirectly start understanding the real depth of my own problems. If i say metaphorically, sometimes when we try to understand other s problems and try to solve them...the whole thing make us non biased for our own problems and it is at that moment when we surprise ourselves by seeing at our own problems from a very different angel / perspective.
And yes although it doesn't sound good but yes sometimes i feel like my problems r not as monstrous as some people i know have. May be that's the reason why i haven't shared my own life's story as yet.
On this site, when i read a newcomer's story and if i don't find words to console or to help or to solve their problems...it comes to my mind that "what a whiney person i am...for having so small small problems." so i guess this way i got charged indirectly to deal with my own problems.
But plz don't think that i am a selfish devil who enjoys listening to others sorrows. I really hate myself when i don't find answers...words to solve other's problems or just to console someone. I really hate it when i lack words.
Hello Saragupta,
No I don't think you are selfish, its a help you help me situation which is a good thing. I haven't written out my problems on here either, by answering to other peoples' posts I am getting the answers that I need in some way.
A hurdle is a hurdle whether it is big or small, you have kindly taken the time to read and commented about other peoples' problems so when you need help, I believe others will do the same for you without judgement ^_^
If i say metaphorically, sometimes when we try to understand other s problems and try to solve them...the whole thing make us non biased for our own problems and it is at that moment when we surprise ourselves by seeing at our own problems from a very different angel / perspective.
And yes although it doesn't sound good but yes sometimes i feel like my problems r not as monstrous as some people i know have. May be that's the reason why i haven't shared my own life's story as yet.
On this site, when i read a newcomer's story and if i don't find words to console or to help or to solve their problems...it comes to my mind that "what a whiney person i am...for having so small small problems." so i guess this way i got charged indirectly to deal with my own problems.
But plz don't think that i am a selfish devil who enjoys listening to others sorrows. I really hate myself when i don't find answers...words to solve other's problems or just to console someone. I really hate it when i lack words.
No I don't think you are selfish, its a help you help me situation which is a good thing. I haven't written out my problems on here either, by answering to other peoples' posts I am getting the answers that I need in some way.
A hurdle is a hurdle whether it is big or small, you have kindly taken the time to read and commented about other peoples' problems so when you need help, I believe others will do the same for you without judgement ^_^
i am trying to learn not to expect any sweetNess from any1
Hello frame,
I re-read ur post. It sounded sooo practical and realistic.
I wud like to compare the whole scenario of ur friend with an example.
U know! If neither we have a personal vehicle nor we have enough money to buy one, we go for a second or third hand car, instead of new one. And on the day of its delivery at our doorstep...we get to smile from one ear lobe to the other....because we think that our problem is solved at a low cost. We start loving it...start trusting its features!
But then gradually that same car start asking u for repair or service or this and that every now and then. It is THEN when we realize that we have made a wrong choice of saving money, in fact we have wasted our money. Then we realize that the problem of not having a personal vehicle is still standing. Unsolved or partially solved.
By all this i meant, that the focus shld not be ONLY on how Much We Are Saving. The focus shld also be on How Smartly We Are Investing.
This thing shld be applied while investing in a materialistic thing as well as while getting involved in someone else's emotional scenarios.
I mean, if u have a caring & understanding heart and u genuinely want to help the person in need....then u shld first clear ur mind as to
***WHY i want to help and give an emotional support to this person??...just for the sake of humanity....or i have a purpose in exchange...or just because u think that there ws no one by ur side when u were going thru the same, so u just don't want this person to feel alone in that same way?
***Do i expect anything in return?? Like...a help with something....or a genuine honest friendship and love....or just that...that person Would Be by YOUR side in future, if at all u go thru the same hunger for emotional support.
***Will it be okay with me, if i don't get anything in return after i give my honest empathy and help to this person.
Frame, i know friendships, love and care--giving should not be based on calculations. I know it very well. But i think my previous experiences with people have taught me one thing. And ie,
EITHER embrace ur loneliness and push away coldly every person who tries to be ur friend or in relation with u.
OR start learning the fact, that u shld give (within ur comfortable zone) whatever u want to, in a relationship...but before that make up ur mind for one thing and ie "Don't expect that the other person will reciprocate ur honest care and love and genuineness....if u get it, don't raise ur hopes...just embrace it with open arms and keep walking steadily"
Oh god i know this much???
But still Everytime someone shows me their sweetness and so called understanding nature...my scared heart says...is it real or just way i have been experiencing???
And then i unwantedly step back.
Frame, i myt have been reading ur point of views with my own glasses (umm...perspective) but i ll be glad if u wud correct me.
Take care,
Sara.
I re-read ur post. It sounded sooo practical and realistic.
I wud like to compare the whole scenario of ur friend with an example.
U know! If neither we have a personal vehicle nor we have enough money to buy one, we go for a second or third hand car, instead of new one. And on the day of its delivery at our doorstep...we get to smile from one ear lobe to the other....because we think that our problem is solved at a low cost. We start loving it...start trusting its features!
But then gradually that same car start asking u for repair or service or this and that every now and then. It is THEN when we realize that we have made a wrong choice of saving money, in fact we have wasted our money. Then we realize that the problem of not having a personal vehicle is still standing. Unsolved or partially solved.
By all this i meant, that the focus shld not be ONLY on how Much We Are Saving. The focus shld also be on How Smartly We Are Investing.
This thing shld be applied while investing in a materialistic thing as well as while getting involved in someone else's emotional scenarios.
I mean, if u have a caring & understanding heart and u genuinely want to help the person in need....then u shld first clear ur mind as to
***WHY i want to help and give an emotional support to this person??...just for the sake of humanity....or i have a purpose in exchange...or just because u think that there ws no one by ur side when u were going thru the same, so u just don't want this person to feel alone in that same way?
***Do i expect anything in return?? Like...a help with something....or a genuine honest friendship and love....or just that...that person Would Be by YOUR side in future, if at all u go thru the same hunger for emotional support.
***Will it be okay with me, if i don't get anything in return after i give my honest empathy and help to this person.
Frame, i know friendships, love and care--giving should not be based on calculations. I know it very well. But i think my previous experiences with people have taught me one thing. And ie,
EITHER embrace ur loneliness and push away coldly every person who tries to be ur friend or in relation with u.
OR start learning the fact, that u shld give (within ur comfortable zone) whatever u want to, in a relationship...but before that make up ur mind for one thing and ie "Don't expect that the other person will reciprocate ur honest care and love and genuineness....if u get it, don't raise ur hopes...just embrace it with open arms and keep walking steadily"
Oh god i know this much???
But still Everytime someone shows me their sweetness and so called understanding nature...my scared heart says...is it real or just way i have been experiencing???
And then i unwantedly step back.
Frame, i myt have been reading ur point of views with my own glasses (umm...perspective) but i ll be glad if u wud correct me.
Take care,
Sara.
Wait Loss
Leonard Cohen, Prokofiev, Beethoven, Mick Jagger,.... Many people I rejected in my youth because their mode of expression was difficult to penetrate, for me anyway. But I kept listening. Often, I didn't like what I heard, but I tried to understand. And, over time I discovered qualities, reasons these people were creative giants. I began to appreciate, to enjoy the art for what it was.
Now there is a ringing in my ears. It never stops, I've noticed it for almost a year. I don't know where it came from. It's not enough to make hearing difficult, but it seems to be getting louder.
Our bodies require stress to grow. Exercise releases endorphins but it also grows muscle. That is if we have the resources in our body to grow muscle. If we don't, then our bodies rob us of our muscles turn them into energy to keep us going.
I lost interest in many things. There were always other interests to take their place. But some things I never lost interest in, like music. Until about ten years ago. (New things irritate me. I think I'm getting old.) But I still enjoyed listening to music I recognized. Until a couple years ago. Now I'm alone most of the time and lack of silence scares me; listening to any kind of music gives me a creepy feeling inside after a few minutes. But then, there is this ringing; maybe I was never quiet enough to hear it. Why does the music I love make me sad any more?
So, if our bodies need stress as well as nutrition to grow and stay strong wouldn't that be true as well for our minds. Stress on our bodies without food makes us waste away. Food without stress and we lose definition. My mind surely seems to be losing definition. At the same time I think I've got plenty of stress. Am I losing it? And what am I actually losing? Am I wasting away? I try so hard to take care of myself.
Meaning, like the skin of an onion, seems to be detaching and floating away, leaving me more vulnerable. And the roar of the world is entering my brain.
Peanut Butter
Don't know why I said that; I don't even like Peanut Butter.
Now there is a ringing in my ears. It never stops, I've noticed it for almost a year. I don't know where it came from. It's not enough to make hearing difficult, but it seems to be getting louder.
Our bodies require stress to grow. Exercise releases endorphins but it also grows muscle. That is if we have the resources in our body to grow muscle. If we don't, then our bodies rob us of our muscles turn them into energy to keep us going.
I lost interest in many things. There were always other interests to take their place. But some things I never lost interest in, like music. Until about ten years ago. (New things irritate me. I think I'm getting old.) But I still enjoyed listening to music I recognized. Until a couple years ago. Now I'm alone most of the time and lack of silence scares me; listening to any kind of music gives me a creepy feeling inside after a few minutes. But then, there is this ringing; maybe I was never quiet enough to hear it. Why does the music I love make me sad any more?
So, if our bodies need stress as well as nutrition to grow and stay strong wouldn't that be true as well for our minds. Stress on our bodies without food makes us waste away. Food without stress and we lose definition. My mind surely seems to be losing definition. At the same time I think I've got plenty of stress. Am I losing it? And what am I actually losing? Am I wasting away? I try so hard to take care of myself.
Meaning, like the skin of an onion, seems to be detaching and floating away, leaving me more vulnerable. And the roar of the world is entering my brain.
Peanut Butter
Don't know why I said that; I don't even like Peanut Butter.
Ringing
It's just that, I have felt better. Why? When? I don't think I've ever been so aware or tried so hard. Of course the reason I'm trying so hard is that nothing is working. The animate world is feeling more and more like an enemy.
That's it. That's really the fundamental reason. If I could look at the world around me as my friend, it would be a totally different world.
That's it. That's really the fundamental reason. If I could look at the world around me as my friend, it would be a totally different world.
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