Seven Year Itch

[Frame]

It hasn't happened in 14 years, not this bad. I don't engineer these things; at least I don't think I do. But I certainly remember the stress seven years ago, something had to give. And seven years before that. That wasn't my fault. But it doesn't really matter. What mattered then was how to survive and take care of my family. The stress was just as bad as it is today. And I'm just as alone.

And the skies opened up and a miracle happened, the same miracle that brought our great recession. Then seven years ago another miracle, the same one that's killing me today. What's next God. Sooner or later it has to end. Where will I be when the music stops. And what will good intentions mean. I don't like screwing up and the worse this gets the more I will. So why don't we make a deal.

There is so much, so much, so much. I can't get my head around the simplest things. I push people away; I don't want them near, but I'm sad they're not. What am I talking about; I'm just sad.

[nenkohai]

Frame,

I've been working on it for years, but, I'm learning how to not take pain and suffering in life as personal.

Seems good and bad come in equal measure in life. A lot of it (maybe most) is unavoidable.

So, KNOWING its going to happen (without regard to your actions sometimes), is it worth the energy to resist the pain? Perhaps its enough to acknowledge it, experience it, and then let it go. Why hold on to pain? Why store it up? Know what I mean?

Hope you feel better, friend.

Peace

[Pilule]

Frame,

Lately, I thought you where doing better???

[Frame]

Pilule, I'm sort of using this forum as an escape. Kind of like reading or writing a book (In fact I'm saving some of my posts hoping to work them into some form of art piece.) But my daily life meets more disaster every day. It's a long slow slide I can't seem to halt. I can't make myself reach out for help. I'm not hiding, but I'm not looking for answers very hard either.

Perhaps, somewhere subliminal, I've made a decision that seeing clearly what's going on inside is more important than saving what's on the outside. At least if that were true there would be some plausible reason. But I really have no liminal excuse.

[Pilule]

Frame,

I know it's hard to ask for help but sometimes, when you do get help, it's such a relief.
Aren't you sure that using anti-depressant is worse than what you're living now?
I must have asked you before, but I'm not sure, how did you manage to go through school and get all your degrees in your condition?

[Frame]

I look back now, Pilule, and it's hard to understand in contrast to today. I drank much much more and I slept much much less. It was like I was on the rapids in the middle of a river. Someone said pottery isn't getting you anywhere how about chemistry; I said sure. Chemistry's too broad what about engineering; I said sure. We need a short term development engineer in Buffalo; My Mom's home town, sure. Hey, I know a professor down here that needs grad students; sure. There's a project in Pennsylvania; whatever.

Seriously, things happened, still happen, because I'm unhappy, bored, and don't think before I say yes. Mind you, once I get there I work like hell. But my life has no foundation, my experience is scattered all over. Even my family; my ex-wife followed me to graduate school, married me, got her degree and a daughter, she was gone. I won't take full responsibility but then again I probably pushed her away. I worked two and three jobs to get my daughter through private school. She works a few blocks away and I see her maybe four times a year. That hurts but what hurts more is can't always afford to take her to dinner.

I just...I'm a rolling stone. No that's not true. In Chinese astrology I'm a Wood Ox; that kinda fits. I can apply myself; I need direction though, so many ways to go. I have so many interests. I'm good at so many things. I take so many risks cause, standing still, I don't feel alive.

But I'm trapped; I've been standing still too long. And I sleep to much and I don't drink nearly enough. Funny thing is, all my life that's what I wanted, to get more sleep and drink less. Be careful what you ask for.

I don't know if this brings any light to your question Pilule.
P.S. I spilled coffee on my keyboard; just a warning in case I stop capitalizing words.
P.S.S. Oh, and as pertains to Wood Oxen; I'm pretty hard headed too.

[Pilule]

Frame,

I have a hard time understanding how people, like you, can achieve so much and then have the rug pulled from under their feet.

One thing I seemed to have noticed, ever since I joined this forum, is how similar, the lives of depressed people my age are; it started at adolescence, we managed, somehow, to get an education, lot of us got married and had kids, get divorced, except for me, have very little or no friends, having no social lives, then work menial jobs, spending years going nowhere, having this feeling of emptiness and wishing to die.

In high school, every thing was fine, my only responsibility was to decide what I would do in life, and I kept putting that decision ‘till later. I finally made a decision but when I started college, it hit me hard, “Is that what I want to do?” “What would I want to do?” it got me doubtful and depressed. Every semester, my grades would go down. After four semesters, I didn't continue, it was just too much for me to handle. These feelings are the same today.

It looked like you had everything going for you and then something happened.

[Frame]

In a way I did and in some important ways I didn't. I went to an excellent public school in New York State and in some ways I learned well. I don't want to be arrogant but I am bright and always have been. I make connections; I can absorb a subject with little effort. But playing the role of student was never a talent I had. I didn't cotton to teachers who knew their subject didn't have teaching skills, partly because I learn in non-traditional ways (they need to put in some effort, they mostly don't cotton to that.) and partly because both my parents were teachers. I know what good teaching is and what it's not.

But let's face it; call them emotional problems, arrogance, acting out; I got thrown out of classes a lot. I picked up the ideas, the gist, the knowledge but not the marks. I've missed a good deal of normal growing up for various reasons and I've never developed any real discipline. What I missed I made up for in effort and enthusiasm.

I guess, in the past, before I got to this state of anger and desperation, someone would have tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if I wanted to take a ride, try another school, help out on a project, buy a business. And I probably would have said, 'sure I got nothing else going on. I've always had things going on and I've always up for a change. But I've never paid much attention to the value of what I was doing, I don't come from money, and I've never cared about money; so I have none.

Craziness is cute in an 18 year old, attitude is OK in a 38 year old, but desperation is unbecoming of a 52 year old; at least that's what I think. I don't know what I'm talking about. But I took apart my keyboard and cleaned it, so the shift key still works.

[Frame]

I think it's possible that I've never been able to take care of myself, that I've always needed some sort of cognitive support. I don't blame my parents, but I don't think they could ever provide it on an ongoing basis. They had five children, they had jobs, they knew I had needs they left me to fend for myself. Those are my earliest memories.

My older siblings are extremely competitive and trying to get what I need generally got me hurt and denigrated. I'm pretty sure my most destructive pathology is that I've accepted that I'm not going to get the help I need and that reaching out for emotional help is bound to get me hurt. So this mind set is breaking out like chicken pox lately. I've made too many mistakes. I used to call them choices but today they all seem like mistakes. And my latest mistake just doesn't seem like it will ever stop cutting little slices of my life away till there is nothing left.

On a brighter note: 1) my shift key still works. 2) I had some St. John's Wart left and started taking it. So we'll see check back in ten days. 3) I heard, on a radio show of a book dealing with Adult ADHD. The author being interviewed had some interesting insight. Perhaps, if that's my issue, then there is hope. The book hasn't made it to my library yet but I've my fingers crossed.

Oh, and I know I'm not the only one with problems. I'll try and buck and be of some use.

[Pilule]

Frame,

For a long time, my father and I didn't have a very good relation, I was terrified of him, although he never laid a hand on me, or threatened to do it. Right off the bat, it showed my weaknesses, my fear of everything.

I used to blame him for sort of picking on me, when I was younger, telling me to toughen up, to be a man. What I would have needed was more support instead but I realized that if I didn't have this weakness, he wouldn't have needed to toughen me up and I wouldn't have depended on his encouragement. I was an emotionally week kid and at adolescence, when I would have been supposed to turn into a man, depression set in.

I have two of my nephews that live close to where I live, I see them at least once a week and they are so different than me, they weren't cursed with emotional weakness, when they where kids and they are far from depressed today. It tells me that I was screwed up the moment I was born and been fighting it ever since and I'm loosing the battle.

One of my very good friend is the youngest of five boys, he is 5'3", short, but he is by far more successful than his four brothers. I'm saying this because I think that, when parents have kids like us, it's impossible for them to be able to "cure" us, even if they are aware of the problem and they have the best intention in the world. Psychiatrist and psychologist can't do it, and they are trained for that, so imagine our poor parents.