I Messed Up (Triggering)

[as5758]

I don't even know where to start... I know my problem(s) do not compare to what others go through, but they still eat at my insides and I need someone to talk too.

Everyone thinks of me as such a good girl. I'm an elementary teacher, I'm working on my master's degree, I've had long term boyfriends...
But I went through this really lonely year between my undergrad and my masters where I moved to a new town and was all alone. I was spending a lot of time with a boy I met at a wedding who lived 3 hours away. We spent every weekend together and I was only seeing him.
He broke my heart and that's whatever... But he was really my only friend. I was beginning to get really depressed before I met him and then he kinda "saved" me.
Well in a matter of a couple months I slept with 11 guys. That is not me at all. I was just so lonely and none of these guys honestly cared about me but i just wanted company and sleeping with someone was a sure way to have a friend for the night.
Along the way I met an amazing guy who is now my boyfriend. He knows none of this. He would be completely grossed out if he knew I slept with that many guys. I agreed to dating him bc I knew I couldn't let this one go.
I'm not okay. I still feel depressed. He's the most amazing person ever and treats me like a princess. He makes me wanna be a better person so badly but I just feel empty. I've cheated on him with 3 guys. I just feel like the most awful person ever. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's so hard for me to talk about this. It's been over a month since I've been with anyone but him and its going to stay that way... Forever. He's amazing and I will not let him go.
This has turned into me Self-Harming. I feel so guilty for cheating and my past and just so much... I'm not Self-Harming to Injure myself, but to cope.

I just don't know what's wrong with me. I've become such a horrible person.

[PeaceLove]

((((( Hugs ))))) Sometimes in life we must admit something hard to the people we love. You have to ask yourself if you would want him to tell you. It will be a shock I am sure but It's probably better than going deeper and deeper into a relationship that is not fully honest. You might be surprised at the results and be able to build a trusting relationship.
No matter the outcome just know you are human mistakes happen, try your best to not let this bring you down and know we are here for you and wish the best outcome.

Ps. What about trying some more positive coping mechanisms to vent the emotions other than Self-Harming?

Love,

PeaceLove

[as5758]

Thank you so much for discussing my issues and not me as a person. I really want to tell him about how I just don't feel happy and I Self-Harm because he is just amazing and will help me. The rest will then have to come out or he won't understand why I'd hurt myself. I feel that he'd still support me through the whole thing but might break off our relationship. & just be a friend
The thing about me cheating is I'd prefer not to know if my significant other changed and was never going to do it again. If I did it again I would break it off with him because I'm obviously not okay to be in a relationship if I can't be true.
I just wish I would've had this like desire to change before I met him so that everything bad would be prior to our relationship and I wouldn't feel so horrible for doing him wrong.