A dump

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kaitkay
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun Jan 14, 2018 4:58 am
Location: Wales

A dump

Postby kaitkay » Mon Jan 07, 2019 1:51 pm

I was bored (i guess?) in lunch and wrote down notes of what i feel. i thought to just dump what i wrote here and see what some people think? idk..
these are just what i think and ik that doesnt make any of this true:

Education: in year 11, GCSEs soon and am f***ed.
not the smartest person and even for someone with loads of freetime cant seem to revise (can get a high d or just about a c from not revising sometimes).

School: nobody really likes me.
everyones a c*nt.
schools sh*t.
i'm shy af and awkward and people i do talk to dont care.

Friends: not many real friends.
only really have jesse which is f***ing terrifying.
could easily have nobody.

mental sh*t (?):
believes everyone hates me.
believes everyone will leave (as usual).
believes theres no point anymore and have only one choice.

family: dads always in work.
no mum (age 3ish)
feel as if ik my nan more and even though i had a childhood with my dad i mostly think of memories incuding my nan.
too shy to talk to my dad.
(it isnt as bad as it sounds tbh)

future: (believes) things will continue/worsen.
nobody will ever like me.
wont get a good job (aware you dont necessarily need grades to have a good one)
doesnt know what id like to do in the future & no ideas (lowkey given up)

personality: awkward.
shy.
not likeable.
'innocent' (other views)
'goodie two shoes' (other views)
secretive (personal)
insecure.
people find a lot i do surprising or something to make a big deal out of (hate being centre pf attention)

other: feels as though i have a time limmit.
doesnt know what i want to do (job)
sleeping patterns change all the time (currently staying up till 4am and waking up at 1pm)
feel drained all the time.
caring less about things.

-Again this is just some notes i wrote when bored and are just what i think.-

FroshtonPips
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Jan 07, 2019 5:18 pm

Re: A dump

Postby FroshtonPips » Mon Jan 07, 2019 5:51 pm

Hey. I'm not an expert. I'm just some stranger on the internet and you're absolutely right to question everything I say. I hope this helps -- I want to help -- even if that only occurs because I'm *so wrong* you're able to come to the right answers yourself.

I carried a lot of guilt inside me as a pre-teen/teenager. Maybe that's why appearances meant so much to me. If I looked like I had everything, then maybe it wouldn't matter that I was irreversibly flawed. I thought I had to achieve great, great things in order to be worthy, and even then another part of me was fairly convinced that being worthy, for me, wasn't possible.

It really bothered me when people said bad things about me; I felt I had to defend myself, attack. Sometimes it didn't even bother me; I just assumed that retaliation was the only logical course. The retaliation didn't solve anything; it just fuelled the really horrible girls at school to target me because they knew they would get a wonderfully entertaining reaction, and I lost a lot of confidence, and became very, very miserable. Off the back of this I felt I had to not only atone for my sins, but also avenge myself. If I had all this negative energy in my life, it was there for a reason, because Life wanted it to be there, because it was supposed to fuel me to greatness. In fact I came to love (sort of) that negative energy, hold on to it as much as possible; if I wasn't stressed, it must be because I'm being lazy, I'm not taking exams, my future, seriously enough. Maybe I also thought, the more I'm miserable, then the more Life is guaranteed to make it back up to me. Well, the atoning and avenging feelings got me 10 A*s at GCSE, but they didn't really bring me the feeling of being atoned and avenged that I wanted; I wasn't featured in the "straight-A* students" photograph on the school's GCSE results web page/magazine, because I only got straights A*s after a History re-mark which happened later. I got an A in GCSE Drama a year later (an extra-curricular thing), and then I felt practically back to zero again. After Year 11, I left my secondary school to go to a highly esteemed sixth form, thinking I could re-invent myself. This time round I was totally quiet, totally withdrawn, because I didn't want to be picked on. I tried making friends at the beginning, but in the end, nobody had any time for me. I would stutter and stammer, talk rubbish, because I couldn't think of anything to say. I felt like I was the most stupid person there. In class I never raised my hand. I spent every lunchtime and free either studying in the library, studying in one of the language rooms, or tucked away in a music room. At A Level I got A*A*A. Again, up until very very recently, that A really bothered me; I was one mark away from an A*, one mark away from getting invited back to this special prize giving ceremony for people who get straight A*s.

Now I'm a law student, almost 22 years old, living my teenage self's dream, in a state-of-the-art, newly-built campus in France, studying at a very prestigious French university; I'm here for the second part of my degree; I studied for two years in London on a scholarship. Now I'm doing the first of my final two years in Paris. I spent a gap year in Germany between my first and second years, and I speak a fairly decent level of German. On paper, everything looks pretty much the way I always wanted it to. But the truth is my health has tanked so so badly, physically (I have an autoimmune disease), mentally (major brain fog, can't learn, can't remember a thing); I can't even scrape what would probably be the equivalent of a D at GCSE level anymore. I feel like I'm drowning; I can't carry on with my degree, especially not at the same time as sorting out my health, but I can't return home either, otherwise my parents will become stressed and ill too (they've aged so much and I know it's because I've recently finally confessed how sick I am and how terrible I feel). I don't have any friends here. I don't go out and do things 1) because I feel so awful, 2) because of my persistent social phobia. I just stay in my room. My French hasn't improved in all my time of being here. I'm getting sicker and sicker, and whatever medical label you want to attach to it (there are absolutely zero health issues in my family), it's honestly because of all those years of misery and guilt and stress, that have mentally and physically corroded my mind and body -- my gut, my thyroid.

I really really wish I could go back to my yes, for example, 15, 16 year-old self and say, this will all pass. Holding on to negativity isn't good for you AT ALL. Please please wake up and realise that your problems right now are manageable, rectifiable. Some of them aren't even problems at all! Don't worry. Be rational, calm, proactive. There is absolutely no need to feel insecure -- because you're not as smart as that person, because you're not as cool as that person, because you don't have as many friends as that person. You never ever know if you have it better or worse than anybody, and to be honest, it doesn't matter. Of course you should strive to be better, to do better, but please don't expend precious energy worrying about things you're still capable of changing if indeed you feel they need to be changed.

tl;dr -- Basically, don't stress. Don't worry about other people. Don't compare yourself to anyone. Do the best that *you* can and enjoy life. Indulging negativity does not solve A THING.

Education: I don't know about you, but giving myself a list of questions that basically required me to reproduce my notes, and then doing lots of past papers, was the magic formula. There's actually a lot of time between now and the summer, a world of time. Once you're in the revision groove, I think you'll find you enjoy it. Aim for the best that *you* can do. If that's an A*, an A, a B, a C, go for it. Don't give up on yourself. Exams aren't upon us yet. You've got everything to play for.

School: Be kind to people, really, not just in your actions but in your thoughts. Instead of thinking "She was so rude to me just then", think "[silence]", ie don't think about it! Move on! Have you heard of Eckhart Tolle? Maybe give "New Earth" or "The Power of Now" a try.

Friends: I don't know much about this one. Real friends would be nice, but how's that supposed to happen when you're not secure in how to behave, you're unable to "be in the moment", connected with them? Maybe the key is to forget who you are, who you're supposed to be, and make it all about whoever you're talking to. Really listen to what they're saying. Don't try to be anything.

Mental X: Everyone experiences mental X -- everyone -- and that's what I didn't get when I was your age. People you think are so together and wonderful and amazing -- all that confidence, all those facebook pictures and/or boy/friends and/or house parties and/or good grades, etc. all that proper teenage living of life -- might be going through things far worse than you are, the death of a loved one, anorexia, bulimia, compulsive self-harm, anxiety, issues surrounding their identity, chronic stress, chronic jealousy, imminent autoimmune disease, etc. 9 times out of 10 they're definitely going through something. Know that you can choose not to suffer. Stop thinking about the awful things and start focusing on the things that you can do to change some, if not all, of them. Seeing a counsellor might be one of the steps you could take. It's not weak. It's about whether it works or not.

Family: My parents were always working when I was at school. It didn't bother me though because I was always studying and barely noticed anyway and I also have a very chatty, very popular younger sister (totally the opposite of me) who I find highly amusing. I learnt recently though that she's been to see counsellors in the past and they've really helped her. She's had/has issues with one of our parent's absence growing up, panic attacks, anxiety. I hope you have someone to talk to. Maybe counselling might help (it didn't help me, spiritual literature did, but different strokes).

Future: I never had any plan for the future. Don't worry that you don't know what to do yet. After my law degree I'm thinking of either doing a Masters of a medical degree! You believe that things will continue to be X or worsen, but at the same time I'm sure there's a part of you that knows they have to change. Don't listen to that nasty first voice. They're not helping you. *You* are the one who's going to change your situation, not your negative, "You'll never be good enough for that!" attitude.

Personality: Maybe try not giving yourself a label. One could say "I'm shy", but that's limiting, it's more complex than that, and most importantly, it doesn't matter.

Other: I used to revise hours into the night and while it probably meant I knew more information than my classmates, it also meant I couldn't apply this information to the best of my ability (my mind was a little slow), and it also made me very sick :/ During the working week, try getting to bed at or before 11 pm and waking before 7 am. I never watch TV in the lead up to exams (although, because I was studying French and Spanish at GCSE, I might watch a French or Spanish YouTuber or YouTube clip). Turn off all electronics when you're going to bed (phone, laptop, iPad, everything). I hope your digestion is OK (it's an autoimmune disease concern). Try eating more vegetables (eat the rainbow! as much organic produce as you can!), cutting down on sugar (that includes really sweet fruit!), cutting down on or (even better) eliminating all processed things from your diet (ready meals, crisps, etc.), drinking more filtered water and doing some form of exercise you enjoy.

I don't even know you but I do know you're a little seed of amazingness and anything is possible.

kaitkay
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun Jan 14, 2018 4:58 am
Location: Wales

Re: A dump

Postby kaitkay » Mon Jan 07, 2019 6:41 pm

FroshtonPips wrote:Hey. I'm not an expert. I'm just some stranger on the internet and you're absolutely right to question everything I say. I hope this helps -- I want to help -- even if that only occurs because I'm *so wrong* you're able to come to the right answers yourself.

I carried a lot of guilt inside me as a pre-teen/teenager. Maybe that's why appearances meant so much to me. If I looked like I had everything, then maybe it wouldn't matter that I was irreversibly flawed. I thought I had to achieve great, great things in order to be worthy, and even then another part of me was fairly convinced that being worthy, for me, wasn't possible.

It really bothered me when people said bad things about me; I felt I had to defend myself, attack. Sometimes it didn't even bother me; I just assumed that retaliation was the only logical course. The retaliation didn't solve anything; it just fuelled the really horrible girls at school to target me because they knew they would get a wonderfully entertaining reaction, and I lost a lot of confidence, and became very, very miserable. Off the back of this I felt I had to not only atone for my sins, but also avenge myself. If I had all this negative energy in my life, it was there for a reason, because Life wanted it to be there, because it was supposed to fuel me to greatness. In fact I came to love (sort of) that negative energy, hold on to it as much as possible; if I wasn't stressed, it must be because I'm being lazy, I'm not taking exams, my future, seriously enough. Maybe I also thought, the more I'm miserable, then the more Life is guaranteed to make it back up to me. Well, the atoning and avenging feelings got me 10 A*s at GCSE, but they didn't really bring me the feeling of being atoned and avenged that I wanted; I wasn't featured in the "straight-A* students" photograph on the school's GCSE results web page/magazine, because I only got straights A*s after a History re-mark which happened later. I got an A in GCSE Drama a year later (an extra-curricular thing), and then I felt practically back to zero again. After Year 11, I left my secondary school to go to a highly esteemed sixth form, thinking I could re-invent myself. This time round I was totally quiet, totally withdrawn, because I didn't want to be picked on. I tried making friends at the beginning, but in the end, nobody had any time for me. I would stutter and stammer, talk rubbish, because I couldn't think of anything to say. I felt like I was the most stupid person there. In class I never raised my hand. I spent every lunchtime and free either studying in the library, studying in one of the language rooms, or tucked away in a music room. At A Level I got A*A*A. Again, up until very very recently, that A really bothered me; I was one mark away from an A*, one mark away from getting invited back to this special prize giving ceremony for people who get straight A*s.

Now I'm a law student, almost 22 years old, living my teenage self's dream, in a state-of-the-art, newly-built campus in France, studying at a very prestigious French university; I'm here for the second part of my degree; I studied for two years in London on a scholarship. Now I'm doing the first of my final two years in Paris. I spent a gap year in Germany between my first and second years, and I speak a fairly decent level of German. On paper, everything looks pretty much the way I always wanted it to. But the truth is my health has tanked so so badly, physically (I have an autoimmune disease), mentally (major brain fog, can't learn, can't remember a thing); I can't even scrape what would probably be the equivalent of a D at GCSE level anymore. I feel like I'm drowning; I can't carry on with my degree, especially not at the same time as sorting out my health, but I can't return home either, otherwise my parents will become stressed and ill too (they've aged so much and I know it's because I've recently finally confessed how sick I am and how terrible I feel). I don't have any friends here. I don't go out and do things 1) because I feel so awful, 2) because of my persistent social phobia. I just stay in my room. My French hasn't improved in all my time of being here. I'm getting sicker and sicker, and whatever medical label you want to attach to it (there are absolutely zero health issues in my family), it's honestly because of all those years of misery and guilt and stress, that have mentally and physically corroded my mind and body -- my gut, my thyroid.

I really really wish I could go back to my yes, for example, 15, 16 year-old self and say, this will all pass. Holding on to negativity isn't good for you AT ALL. Please please wake up and realise that your problems right now are manageable, rectifiable. Some of them aren't even problems at all! Don't worry. Be rational, calm, proactive. There is absolutely no need to feel insecure -- because you're not as smart as that person, because you're not as cool as that person, because you don't have as many friends as that person. You never ever know if you have it better or worse than anybody, and to be honest, it doesn't matter. Of course you should strive to be better, to do better, but please don't expend precious energy worrying about things you're still capable of changing if indeed you feel they need to be changed.

tl;dr -- Basically, don't stress. Don't worry about other people. Don't compare yourself to anyone. Do the best that *you* can and enjoy life. Indulging negativity does not solve A THING.

Education: I don't know about you, but giving myself a list of questions that basically required me to reproduce my notes, and then doing lots of past papers, was the magic formula. There's actually a lot of time between now and the summer, a world of time. Once you're in the revision groove, I think you'll find you enjoy it. Aim for the best that *you* can do. If that's an A*, an A, a B, a C, go for it. Don't give up on yourself. Exams aren't upon us yet. You've got everything to play for.

School: Be kind to people, really, not just in your actions but in your thoughts. Instead of thinking "She was so rude to me just then", think "[silence]", ie don't think about it! Move on! Have you heard of Eckhart Tolle? Maybe give "New Earth" or "The Power of Now" a try.

Friends: I don't know much about this one. Real friends would be nice, but how's that supposed to happen when you're not secure in how to behave, you're unable to "be in the moment", connected with them? Maybe the key is to forget who you are, who you're supposed to be, and make it all about whoever you're talking to. Really listen to what they're saying. Don't try to be anything.

Mental X: Everyone experiences mental X -- everyone -- and that's what I didn't get when I was your age. People you think are so together and wonderful and amazing -- all that confidence, all those facebook pictures and/or boy/friends and/or house parties and/or good grades, etc. all that proper teenage living of life -- might be going through things far worse than you are, the death of a loved one, anorexia, bulimia, compulsive self-harm, anxiety, issues surrounding their identity, chronic stress, chronic jealousy, imminent autoimmune disease, etc. 9 times out of 10 they're definitely going through something. Know that you can choose not to suffer. Stop thinking about the awful things and start focusing on the things that you can do to change some, if not all, of them. Seeing a counsellor might be one of the steps you could take. It's not weak. It's about whether it works or not.

Family: My parents were always working when I was at school. It didn't bother me though because I was always studying and barely noticed anyway and I also have a very chatty, very popular younger sister (totally the opposite of me) who I find highly amusing. I learnt recently though that she's been to see counsellors in the past and they've really helped her. She's had/has issues with one of our parent's absence growing up, panic attacks, anxiety. I hope you have someone to talk to. Maybe counselling might help (it didn't help me, spiritual literature did, but different strokes).

Future: I never had any plan for the future. Don't worry that you don't know what to do yet. After my law degree I'm thinking of either doing a Masters of a medical degree! You believe that things will continue to be X or worsen, but at the same time I'm sure there's a part of you that knows they have to change. Don't listen to that nasty first voice. They're not helping you. *You* are the one who's going to change your situation, not your negative, "You'll never be good enough for that!" attitude.

Personality: Maybe try not giving yourself a label. One could say "I'm shy", but that's limiting, it's more complex than that, and most importantly, it doesn't matter.

Other: I used to revise hours into the night and while it probably meant I knew more information than my classmates, it also meant I couldn't apply this information to the best of my ability (my mind was a little slow), and it also made me very sick :/ During the working week, try getting to bed at or before 11 pm and waking before 7 am. I never watch TV in the lead up to exams (although, because I was studying French and Spanish at GCSE, I might watch a French or Spanish YouTuber or YouTube clip). Turn off all electronics when you're going to bed (phone, laptop, iPad, everything). I hope your digestion is OK (it's an autoimmune disease concern). Try eating more vegetables (eat the rainbow! as much organic produce as you can!), cutting down on sugar (that includes really sweet fruit!), cutting down on or (even better) eliminating all processed things from your diet (ready meals, crisps, etc.), drinking more filtered water and doing some form of exercise you enjoy.

I don't even know you but I do know you're a little seed of amazingness and anything is possible.


this actually made me smile a bit tbh. like you wrote an essay just to tell me this lol. its just yes im young and yes i have time to fix things but i feel i cant. im aware thats just my thoughts but its hard i guess? some parts of your past did (to my surprise) describe what im going though. like when the girls would pick on you to get that "wonderfully entertaining reaction" happened to me. as i said, i hate being the centre of attention so i ended up not saying anything because whenever i did it was funny to them as im the 'goodie two shoes' and wayy too 'innocent' to say such things (also why im shy because its funny to people). so i ended up being quiet and they sorta stopped. theyll still have a little laugh at me at times but it hasnt happened for a few months now.
losing friends has also been a problem of mine starting from year 6. lost more in year 8 and 9, 10 all gone but gained the ones i have now (although p sure they hate me. especially since when someone else is around im immediately ignored so surely thats not me overthinking? plus theyve been ignoring me a lot lately (before Christmas) but currently i only consider my online friend, jesse, a true friend. i have thought wrongly of her in the past many times and she knows this. i get scares af because how many times ive been ditched and no longer wanted so i assume the same will happen. luckily, at the moment i do not think this and have been okay with her for a month or two acc feeling (mostly) confident about it. it just doesnt help that i too hate my personality. i really wish i could change it ever so slightly (which would be a big difference to me) but i cant. and this isnt one of those "i want to be like her" moments im just genuinely not a fan of myself and can hate a lot of things i say which leads me to feeling embarrassed. it may be because of problems in the past causing me to hate myself in that way im not sure but it has happened. idk this ended up being a massive dump of thoughts that came to mind so excuse if it doesnt make any sense but i guess i felt the need to express these shitty feelings for once.

FroshtonPips
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Jan 07, 2019 5:18 pm

Re: A dump

Postby FroshtonPips » Tue Jan 08, 2019 4:17 am

You can fix things. You can. You will. I've given you my advice on possible ways to go about it. Unfortunately/fortunately that's all I can do. Maybe a starting point would be to try thinking about your situation objectively. What advice would you give to a girl your age, who thinks the exact same things as you do?

Forget about the mean girls, the people who put you down, who make you feel miserable. That's not to say you should ever resort to their level (maybe you never did, in which case you're already way ahead of me!). Focus on the important stuff -- school, joining clubs, taking care of yourself, etc. There are worse things in the world than being "ditched". When you're finally secure in yourself, you'll realise it doesn't matter. You know this!!!

Friendships change over the years, just like we change. Personally, I always found it a burden trying to stay in contact with certain chums from childhood; you just end up talking about all the hilarious things you used to get up in the past, because you don't really have that much in common now. It's always good to gain more friends, more acquaintances. If you can't really consider your friends real friends at the moment, if they're treating you unkindly (see above paragraph), don't feel disheartened. Be proactive! Weigh up your priorities! Again, what advice would you give to yourself?

Personality-wise, stop restricting yourself by labels; have you ever heard of self-sabotage? (There's this thing called law of attraction. Again, you might find that useful. Or maybe try keeping a diary full of positive things only that have happened to you in the day. After a while I worked out that neither of those things were really helping me, but I know they do help a lot of people). Today, right now, you can be anything you choose. I think a good starting place would be to stop being so negative. You don't necessarily have to lie to yourself (à la "I'm the most popular, ambitious, motivated person I know!", "I always express myself in exactly the way I want to!"). Just stop focussing on the negative ("Today I got a B in a practice paper. That's real progress and now, after going through the mark scheme and/or asking my teacher questions, I know what I need to do in order to improve, what technique I need to change. If I work hard enough, I know I can get to A-grade standard before the end of the month" or "I'm going to join a club that will force me to be social and make at least two good friends").

Trust life. Start being proactive. There's absolutely nothing bad with expressing your negative feelings (maybe try talking to a professional? or writing them all down then burning them?), but don't indulge on them like cake. Oh I hate myself! Oh I can't change things! Oh I've only got one option left! I know you might genuinely feel that way at this current time, and to an extent I'm very sorry about that, but now you've established that those feelings are there, that attitude is also just a waste of time and energy. Change the record ole pal! What are you going to do to improve things? (You don't need to tell me. Do it!)


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