I can't stop cutting after six years of cutting.--triggering

[sickheart]

I've been cutting for six years. I started when I was 13 years old and I'm 19 now. I've tried to stop so many times. But it's my addiction. It's like I got into it and now I'm stuck with it. It's what I turn to when I'm really depressed, which is most of the time. I've got scars everywhere. On both wrists, my legs and arms. The scars will eventually fade away as best they can, but never completely. And the scars on my heart will never fade at all. At times I feel like a failure at this too, because sometimes the cuts are never deep enough and they don't bleed enough.

I'm surprised my boyfriend is still with me. For how many times he's walked into my apartment and found me laying in the bathroom floor, blood pouring out of my wrists. It hurts him every time. I'm such a bad person for hurting him like that. He deserves better than me but he loves me, so I'm lucky to have him. Almost every time I've cut myself or threatened to, he says he'll leave me next time I do it. But he stays every time. Because he's the best person I've ever met. Sometimes I wonder how it would be the other way around. If he were the depressed cutter, and if I were happy. It would kill me to see him laying in bed with blood stained wrists. I would just want to take all the pain away from him and keep it for myself. I think he feels that way about me. He picks me up off the floor, washes my wrists under the sink and brings me to bed. We cuddle as I cry and tell him how depressed I feel, he listens and tries to comfort me the best he can.

And my parents, I disappoint them so much, every time they see the cuts.They haven't been the perfect parents and perhaps I could have been raised differently and not disciplined for my depression and anger, which they thought was a bad attitude. But they are definitely much better than most and gotten better since they found out about my severe depression. Mom tells me how she feels when she sees the cuts or scars. I wish I never made her feel that way. Dad doesn't say anything really, but I know it hurts him. I wish I never hurt him either. My sister went to school one day and got made fun of for wearing a set of cute gloves. They called her "emo" and asked why she cut her wrists. She would never cut herself, but it hurt her so bad because she knows her older sis has been cutting for years. My brother can't stand thinking about it and gets upset when I do it. He hugs me and tells me that I'll be okay.

But will I ever be okay? I feel drenched in pain all the time. Crying doesn't let it out, cause after I'm finished crying, I still feel just as depressed. No amount of words could possibly describe the intense feelings of sorrow I suffer every day. I just have to cut myself. I just have to see that crimson blood.

[mamasam]

I have no idea what its like to cut yourself...i personally can't cut myself. with that said, my heart goes out to you, i do know what it is like to have cried so much and the pain is still there, just as real as it ever was and your eyes just won't produce the tears anymore. I wish you would consider seeing a counselor or getting into a rehab facility. Someone can help you , if you want to be helped and i think you do...or else you wouldn't have posted on this site. There is no greater love than self love, just as there is no greater hate than self loathing. Learn to love yourself, do it for yourself and no one else.

[sickheart]

I have been seeing counselors and psyciatrists for over a year. And was in the psyc ward in the hospital. It takes a lot more than pills and counseling, I think. I'm not even taking my pills anymore cause they don't help at all. But thank you for your reply and consideration. Maybe someday I'll be able to say that I am no longer a cutter. I hope so anyway.

[mamasam]

I am so sorry for your pain, you have been on my mind all day. I wish i could have the magic solution for you. I am thinking of you and hoping for the best for you. Please try to love yourself enough to NOT cut the next time...or cut a little less ...maybe if you do that each time, just a little less each time, maybe you can slowly wean yourself off of it.

[sickheart]

Really? Wow, thank you for your consideration. I've tried doing that, to cut a little bit less, but it's weird. It's like every time I want to cut myself, my mind automatically blocks out everything else. Like common sense, objective thinking, thoughts of how much it would hurt others. When I feel so bad enough to cut, nothing can possibly cross my mind other than taking apart the razor and cutting. It's my addiction. Then after I cut once, a thought comes to my mind... `maybe I should stop now...` but another thought comes to mind that one cut is pathetic. I don't know.. but I will definitely try to think of what you said next time I feel like cutting and maybe I wont hurt myself as much. But regardless of what happens, you have helped me and I want to thank you for that.

[mamasam]

I am glad that you feel i have helped you somehow. Maybe sharp objects should be kept away from you...although i feel as if you may have already tried this and if you have the urge you'll find something....Try to love yourself. You are the only one who can make it stop...no one else can do it for you, you know this. You also know that you have to do it for you and only you. I wish i could say i am praying for you but i honestly do not pray ...i know i should, but... i am thinking of you and i am totally on your side I believe in you

[sickheart]

Yeah, I wish I could keep them away from me. But every kitchen has knives and every bathroom has razers. I really honestly don't know how to love myself. I like myself. But deep down there is always an underlining hatred toward myself. Like when things go wrong, I blame myself. I'm my own worst enemy. The way I'm looking at it now, I'm really just waiting for situations to get better. I think I'll be better once my boyfriend and I move in together this summer because he has a good paying job lined up so I won't be worried about money. Because the lack of money is a big stress in my life. I won't be so lonely either because we'll be living together. And I think I'll start to feel even better when I go to college cause I'll be doing something I love every day. I'm counting on things to get better when the situations change to better.
Anyway, I really appreciate your msgs. Thanks for your help

[gem]

i cut myself too its just that feeling of taken away the pain i feel inside but touch wood i havent done it in a few weeks now but still has the urge to do it again as i hate the way am feeling now

[crystalgaze]

Hi again Julie! Just a hug & hoping you will be able to conquer it!

(((((((( gem )))))))))))))