No Feeling?

[crystalgaze]

I was going to write that I didn't seem to be feeling any thing.... & that was true about 15 mins to a half an hour ago....

It was just something of note.... You know, it worried me a little because I am starting to not just not feeling any thing but not feel any thing for the man with whom I've been intimate. I started pondering that whole thing. It is a bit distressing to me because it is yet another person who I cannot seem to love. What I thought was love might not have been it exactly.

It was so short-lived I wonder how it could have been love at all. Nothing went wrong per se, but it's just this sense I am getting. It is the worst.

The no feeling doesn't stop there, though.... It extends to most every thing & I stop for a moment to wonder why.

I will monitor this feeling, as I believe my monthly will arrive soon.... Maybe it's just the monthly.... It is a little frightening, though.

& when I thought I had no feeling, I looked at ABC News, where reporters were covering the earthquake in Haiti.... (which is just an island or two away from where I live) & a part of my suppressed self surfaced for a moment even if all I could muster was utter shock.... a wide-eyed gawking of sorts....like part of my soul had just fallen out of my body on the ground & couldn't get up....

That was tough.... Haiti is so close to here.... On the local news, they even mentioned the words "tsunami watch" & that threw me into further shock....

Edit: I will not say or think any thing in particular, but yesterday or so, I was just watching a documentary on the earthquake in San Francisco in 1906 & it is just downright wrong how a few hours later after I saw the program & learned about liquefaction that lo & behold almost right in my backyard there it is....

The damage shown in the documentary virtually looks the same as what was shown tonight on TV.... Almost the absolute same.....

[stanelyshane]

As my view you are fear from the public and you constantly think about it which is confuse to your mind about the expressions. It occurs due to the lack of the confidence. So, you should avoid the negative thoughts and control on the thoughts. Another thing is that you should require to increase the confidence level.

[Obayan]

((( Crystal )))

Please do keep monitor on these feelings and let us know how it progresses.

((( sending you strength and love my friend )))

[crystalgaze]

Confidence.... Maybe/Maybe not.

It's here again. It feels like a dying of sorts. This time I think I'm more aware of what's happening.

I am trying to bury an emotion/feelings/stuff when I am, in all honesty, raging mad. Perhaps bury is not the word.... I'm trying to let it go, so I'm not angry. Anger promotes spikes in my pressure (& I'm simply too young for it). (I've already done my personal experiment with it, monitoring my pressure and monitoring my mood/after I'm triggered. It's not pretty.)

Also, I am running/trying to escape my parents. I really don't like when they start squabbling. It only happens when they're both in the same space or when one calls the other (cell phone). They really shouldn't be living together or married for that matter, but that's not my business.

Regarding the guy, I do my best to suppress because I know he's not serious about me. In short, it's not like that. & even if it were like that.... I don't want to be in [romantic] love or any of that crap. (I think it's BS. I want to remain in control of myself & look at things for what they are.)

I'm actually ready to give up on it or at least answer his calls after a 2-week period. I'm just tired for now.

I think I know part of the reason for the fatigue as well. I'm doing my best to harden my heart & my being, although ultimately it will probably lead to my downfall. In one of those odd moments in my life, I was listening to something a minister was saying concerning that. I don't remember everything that was said, but what I took away from it was that hardening your heart was not good. I'll see if I find a way to manage! (I'm pretty sure there is a way.)

[crystalgaze]

Finally.... A No-Feeling Moment I Consciously Chose.... I think I can even give it a title....


& So I Went Away Somewhere....


After that last bout with my mother,
I cracked at the seams....
& everything fell out all over the place,
much like my current surroundings.

It was probably the ultimate living timeout.

I can say that for the past few days I
have truly been gone.

As to where I went, I have no idea....
But I can liken it to my spirit having left
& returning revived to carry on--if only a little.

I did feel defeated in more ways than one,
However, I am still here with a life-sustaining
Calm air about me..... as if to say:

One thought at a time.
One thing at a time.
At a time, one moment.
If it gets done, GREAT; if it doesn't, well, just do it LATER.


At first, the state of being away
occurred due to anger & hostility.

I remember my initial thoughts
toward all in my environment being:

"Stay the __________ away from me."
"Leave me alone."


In response to phone calls, I felt:

"Don't bother me."
"What are you calling for?"
"Hmph."
"Don't bombard me." (or rather, I won't allow you to bombard me.)

& when I realized I was annoyed,
I took the ringer off on the house phone.
(My cell is on beep, so it is not too intrusive,
although I admit, there are lots of times I
actually don't hear it.)

So, they stayed away for the most part, and
I was very glad.

After I move their stuff out, I am
going to try to get the locks on the doors
changed possibly or maybe even revoke the keys.

I would like my space to truly be my own--
where I don't have to worry about just WHO
will walk in on me & how much of an incovenience
that is.

Planning for the future is just going to take
some patience....

But if I can stay calm, it might work.

There was only one problem with being gone
in this ultimate timeout..... I didn't eat or drink
much, much less much else, for a few days....

(That was too many much-es too close together....
but whatever)

Yet, I wasn't hungry really--still am not....
Nevertheless I may grab a little something--
If only to ease a slight guilt I have about it
(in other words for psychological reasons).

You know...
How the human body can very well survive
for a while without much food
(so long as liquid is consumed)....

I haven't been able to sleep much lately,
but that's probably due to the allergy
raging in & ravaging my body....

I don't miss sleep either really....

In the end, I just know these sorts
Of things don't bode well in the long run....

& so I went away.... and
I came back somewhat renewed.

(Don't ask me how.... I'm not sure myself!)

The whole event was a little worrisome, but I am glad to be back somewhat today.

[Obayan]

I'm glad you are back sweetie. I wish you good days ahead.