A Friend that Lost the fight/ Suicide-Trigger

[Hanging On]

Before writing this post I have had to have several sessions with my Therapist (Thank you Jean) and join a grief support group in order to cope with the loss of a very close friend of mine.

His name was Rick, however I called him Cat. I will re-post a thread from an earlier entry that will explain why he came to be called Cat.

(I have seen the cause and effect of depression so many times but it is different when it hits close to home. All I know for sure is my friend is gone from this earth. I hope he found the peace he so deserved. You are free at last Cat.

Cat, the name we both decided on for his recovery. Short for caterpillar. For it is the metamorphosis from one type of life to another. Out of the darkness of depression and into the light of freedom. The ability to change yourself to adapt to your surroundings. He was hopeful of that and confident that he was getting closer to that goal.)

He was in every sense of the word a Life saver to me on numerous occasions. I don't know what could have happened to Cat for him to have taken his life. When we talked he was mostly the one that empowered me to be able to handle the situation I would be going through that brought me down. It seemed as though he always knew what to say or not say.

We had both seen our fair share of tragedy, and knew what despair came with having the disease of Depression and Anxiety. Cat was unorthodox in the way that he dealt with his battles. People that did not know him personally even thought him to be crazy because he was talking to himself most of the time, no matter where he was.

When I first met him I was under the impression the he was skisophrenic. However after being around him just a short period of time I realized that he was constantly motivating himself by using vocal encouragement. He latter told me that it helped if he could hear himself speak the words, rather than just think them. None the less it seemed to work for him.

Cat still had his regiment of pills which he took on a daily basis, just as I did but unlike me, he never saw a therapist. It was as if he was his own therapist. He did have his low points. When his Grandmother died, after the Vet had to put down his pet Dog because it had untreatable heart worms. There were many times that he would call me and I would just listen to him and I would tell him that it would be alright then neither one of us would say anything for several minutes until he would tell me thanks and say goodbye.

When I said goodbye to him two nights before his suicide we had talked about his elderly neighbor. The neighbor had found a litter of kittens out back of his house. Cat was outside getting ready to take a walk when his neighbor called him to come see the kittens. Cat told me that their eyes were still closed and that they looked like little rats. We laughed about his comment and then he told me that his neighbor told him that he could pick out one of the kittens after they were weened. Cat said he was going to pick the one that was solid black with just a tuft of white under its belly. We even discussed coming up with a name for it together. We said goodbye and that was the last time we talked.

If you have read this post to here, I sincerely appreciate it. I am sorry that it seems as though I am rambling on. Cat was one of those people that had an astounding effect on me and with the direction of which I selected in everyday situations. I have missed him so much that I almost swear my heart is bursting at times.

We all have our own Cat's(people that help us when we are down). I am so glad that I found this forum and so thankful to everyone here, helping and supporting each other through difficult and trying times, for that is what is needed for daily recovery from what this world throws at us.

I am going to post the poem that I wrote for Cat now. I am finally able to speak of him and not feel any guilt with feelings that I may or may not have been able to do anything to change the outcome of what happened. Gone but never forgotten. I Loved him like a brother I never had.

On The Wings of a Butterfly

As I stood soaked to the bone in the pouring rain,

I let the water run over my face, to hide the tears and the pain.

The Pastor was kind with his Biblical Script,

When he spoke of how one of our own had lost his grip.

The people there were sollum with heads looking down,

But the emotion shown, hardly a tear or a frown.

The Pastor talked on of Streets Made of Gold,

Then I was lost in my thoughts and heard not what he told.

With my eyes closed tightly and my hands clinched in fist,

I thought to myself, How could he do this!

How can he have left me in this world on my own,

With the promises we had made, as if chiseled in stone.

We were to be strong for each other no matter what,

Standing close when this world delivered each cut.

Now he's gone and I'm feeling like I may crash and burn,

He still had so much to live for, so much to learn.

When I opened my eyes and as I turned to leave,

I caught a glimpse of a Butterfly that had lit on my sleeve.

My emotions were so heavy as I started to cry,

Looking up I saw the sun breaking through the clouds in the sky.

For Cat, his battles over, some say with the easy way out,

I overlook their ignorance, for they can't know what this disease is about.

Cat climbed the Mountains in his way and scaled the highest peaks,

But in the end he could not hang on, all the barriers had made him weak.

Your cocoon is gone, your free my friend to soar away up in the sky,

And I'll always be thinking of you, especially when I see a Butterfly.



Till I see you again, take care my friend.
Dave

[xn728]

what wonderfuls words ,im sure cat was looking over your shoulder when you wrote this ,and smiles down on you always ,,,,,,,,,,,ken and indeed ,you will meet him again one day as we all will

[shatteredhopes]

That is a beautiful and moving tribute. I cannot offer much in the way of comfort without risking violating rules of this website, but thank you for sharing your pain...for at my lowest when I am ready to give in I think how much it would hurt my mom and one dear friend who has always been there for me. Your pain reminds me I do not wish to hurt them, and gives me a reason to carry on when otherwise I don't think I can...

So thank you for sharing your tragic tale with us. I personally believe you will see him again. Peace be with you...

[xn728]

lost the link sorry ,i was meaning to say ,im sure he has left his strentgh
within you ,so you may carry on ,he could only know what made him leave ,but it was not an act ,carried out to leave you alone ,it must have taken an unimanginable amount of strentgh to leave this world as bad as it is for us ,i hope he has found what he was looking for ,im sorry ,as bad as you feel now ,be not alone ,,,,,ken

[Hanging On]

Ken & Shatteredhopes thank you for your responses to my post. It was so very hard to write but I knew part of my recovery would come from doing so. I have cried till I thought I could cry no more but I would be wrong. It is certainly a tragedy when someone cannot stand to be on this earth anymore and causes the ones they leave behind to have to deal with it. I do not wish that pain on anybody.

If my post can sway one person from doing something irreversible, from causing grief for someone else, than it will have been worth all the pain and suffering I have gone through these past several weeks. No one should have to face the magnitude of emotions that come with a tragedy like this.

I know that it will have a very large effect on my life for probably the rest of my life. I had to find the strength to be able to wrench myself beyond this great loss. Not just for my family but for my inner peace and well being. All those coping skills that I learned in group while in the Mental Hospitals really did pay off big.

I say that, because I know that if a weak person such as myself can do it then anyone can. Something caused Cat to lose all hope, and that is something that we all need to hang onto. I don't hate him for what he did, I hate this disease, with all of its pain and suffering and misunderstanding.

Thank you again for reading my post and responding to it.
Dave

[Mich]

Yes, a beautiful tribute. I am so sorry this happened. My heart goes out to you.