The subject on this post is how I have felt a lot lately. As if I am In a dream and seeing myself from outside my body, watching through a thick haze, wondering what to do next, trying to stay focused, trying to do something, anything that would be considered even slightly productive.
No motivation, no strength, no appetite, only confusion, and worry. Do people really think this is how I want to feel? Why do they not understand, why do they not care?
Sometimes I wish I had Cancer, then at least I could say, "What? Whats wrong with me, oh I have a socially exceptable disease, Cancer" however I cannot say that, I cannot tell them anything in regard to my illness because in their eyes, its not real. They can't see anything wrong so therefore I am an outcast and a liar in their eyes.
How do we bring awareness to people that are so ignorant, how do we get through to them? What can be done? Is there a bill that can be passed in Congress? Must we stand on our soap boxes on the corners of the busy intersections and shout it to all that would listen?
Like everyone else on this site, I did not pick to have depression and anxiety. They picked me and they care nothing about age, race, religion, gender, status, or anything. We all have a desire to keep a positive attitude, to stay functional and live each day without remorse or mental anguish.
Our best hope is to rely on other people that have been there or are going through what we are going through right now. To confide in them and know that they are genuinely concerned. To not try and bear the burdens of our life alone but to channel our feelings through others that will listen with unbiased ears.
You and I know that what we are going through is real, yes as real as any physical ailment that someone can see. So we must be each others support. This way we can claim a victory over what other people say or think. This way we can stay strong, and know that we are not alone no matter how long the night may last. Use this site and any other measure you have at your disposal to make it through anything that may bring you down, or cause you to have harmful thoughts or feelings. There is strength in numbers and there is a venue for each of us to use anytime we need it. Thanks to those that have been an inspiration and support for me since I have been here, and I will keep, Hanging On.
On the outside, looking in.The harsh Truth about my disease.
Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
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Hanging On
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2009 11:59 pm
walk tall
my mind is destroying me right now ,43 years ive been like this ,yes a long time indeed ,as a child i was bullied and stoned by the other kids
in work as an engineer,i was called terrible names ,things would be written on the factory walls in a morning when i came on shift
you know miserable b,,,,,,,,d and other lovely things ,eye contact with anyone is very hard for me ,i dont like conversing with anyone either
unless really nessarcery,but i work in a charity shop now ,part time paid
and on the first day ,i told the other staff my problems ,and they are understanding ,not patronising but aware ,you see my main problem is and ive had this for about 15 years i cry spontaniously 2/3 times a day
it doesnt bother me ,but i dont want them to feel akward ,like yourself life is seen through a misty window sureal ,my life but i cant reach out a feel it i have no emotions ,day and night dont exist ,merely one continous hell with breaks of day and night ,i fear the day coming so much i try to stay awake during the night ,for if i fall asleep the night will pass to quickly and the day will be here once again ,if the choice were mine i would leave this earth ,but my family need me and i love them ,and no matter what cost in pain to me they will have a good life .for me all hopes of getting better have gone ,lithium keeps my mood stable ,it is the hand that works the puppet at the moment ,,,not sure if i have welcomed you to the forum ,but here you are ,,,,freind welcome home ,,,,,,,,,xn728,,,ken
in work as an engineer,i was called terrible names ,things would be written on the factory walls in a morning when i came on shift
you know miserable b,,,,,,,,d and other lovely things ,eye contact with anyone is very hard for me ,i dont like conversing with anyone either
unless really nessarcery,but i work in a charity shop now ,part time paid
and on the first day ,i told the other staff my problems ,and they are understanding ,not patronising but aware ,you see my main problem is and ive had this for about 15 years i cry spontaniously 2/3 times a day
it doesnt bother me ,but i dont want them to feel akward ,like yourself life is seen through a misty window sureal ,my life but i cant reach out a feel it i have no emotions ,day and night dont exist ,merely one continous hell with breaks of day and night ,i fear the day coming so much i try to stay awake during the night ,for if i fall asleep the night will pass to quickly and the day will be here once again ,if the choice were mine i would leave this earth ,but my family need me and i love them ,and no matter what cost in pain to me they will have a good life .for me all hopes of getting better have gone ,lithium keeps my mood stable ,it is the hand that works the puppet at the moment ,,,not sure if i have welcomed you to the forum ,but here you are ,,,,freind welcome home ,,,,,,,,,xn728,,,ken
Hanging On... i'm sorry to hear how much you are suffering, i understand how it feels to feel so detached from yourself and the world, a lot of the time i am so dissociated i feel like a robot, numb and confused, eerily separated from the world...my hands feel numb,my voice feels like it's coming from someone else. i totally agree that there is so much misunderstanding about depression and anxiety, i have met many people who think i can just 'pull myself together' or that all my problems can be sorted with a big girls night out...if only. sometimes people say 'i don't know what to say' or 'i don't understand' but i prefer that honesty to people who are just hurtful about the whole thing. at the end of the day, as many as 1 in 4 people will have some kind of mental health problem in their lifetime and i think the more awareness is raised the better
Hanging On - You are so right....there is a lot of misunderstanding and stigma attached to the disease of depression. I know that many of my acquaintances view me as weak for not being able to "snap out of it". I am glad you have found us here. We truly do understand and will support you in every way we can. Welcome.
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Hanging On
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2009 11:59 pm
Honesty at the workplace
Ken I am so glad that you are excepted at your place of work. It makes me feel like there is some civility still left in this world. Thanks for the welcome and your sincere response my friend.
I tried being honest at my workplace in July of 2006. Many years after I had been diagnosed with the unseen disease of depression and anxiety. Unseen in the public's eye. I worked at a very large Communications Co. As of July 24 of that same year I had also celebrated my 28th year of loyal service.
It was only after several tragic episodes of grief and stress that I confided in my Manager due to the extensive sick leave I had acquired prior to that time. I should advise you that my personal record kept on file with the company was spotless, other than my attendance which was always backed by a hand written letter by my psychiatrist explaining in detail why I was off from work.
In October of that year I was terminated. Reason for termination, Unjustifiable leave of absence. The ordeal to say the least is far from over.
I have been forced to hire an Attorney to represent myself, and have felt like I have been in a downward spiral ever since. Again I am so thankful that you are at a location with your job that you can be upfront and honest, because that my friend is certainly a rarity. Good luck to you in your further endeavors with your workplace.
Thanks for the extended friendship and support.
I tried being honest at my workplace in July of 2006. Many years after I had been diagnosed with the unseen disease of depression and anxiety. Unseen in the public's eye. I worked at a very large Communications Co. As of July 24 of that same year I had also celebrated my 28th year of loyal service.
It was only after several tragic episodes of grief and stress that I confided in my Manager due to the extensive sick leave I had acquired prior to that time. I should advise you that my personal record kept on file with the company was spotless, other than my attendance which was always backed by a hand written letter by my psychiatrist explaining in detail why I was off from work.
In October of that year I was terminated. Reason for termination, Unjustifiable leave of absence. The ordeal to say the least is far from over.
I have been forced to hire an Attorney to represent myself, and have felt like I have been in a downward spiral ever since. Again I am so thankful that you are at a location with your job that you can be upfront and honest, because that my friend is certainly a rarity. Good luck to you in your further endeavors with your workplace.
Thanks for the extended friendship and support.
this is so unbeliveable
listen to this ,i to kept breaking down at work ,had a very lentghy heart to heart with my manager ,oh so understanding ,i had 2 weeks off
yes you got it ,letter through the post ,you know what it said ,fired
this was a blow ,as you should know ,now heres the good bit ,i to fought them not for my job ,because really i had become to ill any way ,here in england there is the disability discrimation act ,i took them to court and won hands down ,it was long and a strain on someone who was at breaking point just noticed same year also ,so good luck ,,,,my dear freind ,,,,goodnight 10pm here
,,time for some rock musik to blank out the horrors once more ,,,ken
i enjoy our conversation here ,i will look forward to more thankyou
yes you got it ,letter through the post ,you know what it said ,fired
this was a blow ,as you should know ,now heres the good bit ,i to fought them not for my job ,because really i had become to ill any way ,here in england there is the disability discrimation act ,i took them to court and won hands down ,it was long and a strain on someone who was at breaking point just noticed same year also ,so good luck ,,,,my dear freind ,,,,goodnight 10pm here
,,time for some rock musik to blank out the horrors once more ,,,ken
i enjoy our conversation here ,i will look forward to more thankyou
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
Dear friend, I so empathize. I love my mom very much, but she said one time to me "You could get well if you wanted to." That hurt so much. Like it was my fault. Does she really think I want to be in pain?
Unfortunately, there is only one way to change things. We have to do it. Its hard when you are depressed and feel low-self esteem and to weak to fight because of the impairment of the disease, but LET YOUR ATTORNEY HAVE AT THEM!!!!!!!!!!
I filed a human rights complaint against a hospital that violated almost all of the 13 pages of the substantive portion of the human rights regulations. Had I been stronger, I also had a criminal claim, could have pursued tort action and a federal civil rights case. But I was unable. It was a catch 22, they so traumatized me I couldn't fight, but what they did, I had grounds to hold them to account.
You were wronged to be fired basically because of your disease. Don't let them get away with it! A former friend who suffered both depression/anxiety and physical health problems was let go for too many absences, because she wasn't healthy enough to work, but then denied disability by her company repeatedly. She didn't fight. She eventually got government disability, but I so tried to urge her to sue. When you are depressed, you are too weakened by the illnesses, and often feel as if you deserve wrongful actions against you somehow, at least I do. And I feel ashamed. I don't want my extended acquaitances to know I am mentally ill, like I'm a leper. They probably know anyway, but so much stigma.
I have often thought that as my lawyer suggested I write the credentialing agency regarding the doctor. My lawyer wanted me to go to the papers, but I was too traumatized to bear the public stigma on top of everything. Your fight against your employer gets me pumped up a little to do more. At least, they made a lot of dramatic reforms at the hospital and hospital policies that were contrary to human rights guarantees were exposed and corrected.
Sorry to get into my stuff so much in your post, I just wanted you to know you are not alone. You are right, we are in this together, and when one of us stands tall like you are in fighting your former employer, all of us gain. We may be weakened by our disease, but different people can be strong at different points, and so collectively we can help each other.
When you feel weak, just remember you are fighting not just for yourself, but for all of us. The more of us who stand up when we are wronged, eventually society may learn they have to treat us with dignity and respect, even if they don't fully understand the disease, they will learn to acknowledge it it very, very real.
P.S. In the U.S. Congressman Kennedy, who is bi-polar, pushed through a mental health parity act, so that mental illnesses are treated by insurance companies as real illnesses like cancer. Progress. A step at a time.
Wishing you light in your day and inner strength...
Unfortunately, there is only one way to change things. We have to do it. Its hard when you are depressed and feel low-self esteem and to weak to fight because of the impairment of the disease, but LET YOUR ATTORNEY HAVE AT THEM!!!!!!!!!!
I filed a human rights complaint against a hospital that violated almost all of the 13 pages of the substantive portion of the human rights regulations. Had I been stronger, I also had a criminal claim, could have pursued tort action and a federal civil rights case. But I was unable. It was a catch 22, they so traumatized me I couldn't fight, but what they did, I had grounds to hold them to account.
You were wronged to be fired basically because of your disease. Don't let them get away with it! A former friend who suffered both depression/anxiety and physical health problems was let go for too many absences, because she wasn't healthy enough to work, but then denied disability by her company repeatedly. She didn't fight. She eventually got government disability, but I so tried to urge her to sue. When you are depressed, you are too weakened by the illnesses, and often feel as if you deserve wrongful actions against you somehow, at least I do. And I feel ashamed. I don't want my extended acquaitances to know I am mentally ill, like I'm a leper. They probably know anyway, but so much stigma.
I have often thought that as my lawyer suggested I write the credentialing agency regarding the doctor. My lawyer wanted me to go to the papers, but I was too traumatized to bear the public stigma on top of everything. Your fight against your employer gets me pumped up a little to do more. At least, they made a lot of dramatic reforms at the hospital and hospital policies that were contrary to human rights guarantees were exposed and corrected.
Sorry to get into my stuff so much in your post, I just wanted you to know you are not alone. You are right, we are in this together, and when one of us stands tall like you are in fighting your former employer, all of us gain. We may be weakened by our disease, but different people can be strong at different points, and so collectively we can help each other.
When you feel weak, just remember you are fighting not just for yourself, but for all of us. The more of us who stand up when we are wronged, eventually society may learn they have to treat us with dignity and respect, even if they don't fully understand the disease, they will learn to acknowledge it it very, very real.
P.S. In the U.S. Congressman Kennedy, who is bi-polar, pushed through a mental health parity act, so that mental illnesses are treated by insurance companies as real illnesses like cancer. Progress. A step at a time.
Wishing you light in your day and inner strength...
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Hanging On
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2009 11:59 pm
Thanks!
Mich, Ken, Shatteredhopes, & Lisalou, I cannot tell you enough how much your words of encouragement, support, and reassurance have meant to me. I get a renewed spirit of hope from your heart felt comments.
I have, as I'm sure each of you have as well, been through so many trials that have taken me down and when your as low as you can get there is no place to go but up. You all have jump started my momentum so that now I am aware that I don't have to make that arduous climb by myself but that I have fellow climbers with ropes attached ready to assist at a moments notice.
Thank you again.
I have, as I'm sure each of you have as well, been through so many trials that have taken me down and when your as low as you can get there is no place to go but up. You all have jump started my momentum so that now I am aware that I don't have to make that arduous climb by myself but that I have fellow climbers with ropes attached ready to assist at a moments notice.
Thank you again.
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