Social Outcast

[dennislp3]

It seems that my entire life connecting with people has been my greatest challenge....one that I have failed at so much that I have more or less given up.

I won't sit here and blame anyone for anything...what will it do? but at the same time I will not sit here and say it's all my fault because I have not seen anything in my character that warrants constant rejection.

It started at a young age with my parents. Due to there drug use and inability to deal with there own issues they held me in a spot of responsibility...as an answer for there issues...there scapegoat. I remember trying so hard at such a young age to understand and comprehend what was happening. I even remember being fairly positive at one point in time. When my parents would blame something on me or claim i attributed to there problems I would tell myself "it's ok there just under a lot of stress" or "they probably don't mean that" and I would quickly rebound and do my best to be the best child a parent could wish for....a mindset that is not meant for a child. I never did form a relationship with my parents and have always felt that as if though they were just someone I knew. They never hugged me, never said they loved me, were never there for me, and never seemed to care for my feelings. Eventually over time I gave up. Instead of trying to win there favor through attempting to be perfect I became very active in sports at the youngest age possible. I was under the impression that perhaps my character alone wasn't good enough but if I were to accomplish something they would be proud....much to my dismay...they were not. I was one of the best because of how hard I tried. I won awards, competitions, and gained a lot of recognition in the field of athletics. All for nothing though because they never showed up to sporting events, never told me I did a good job no matter how many awards I won. In my freshman year In high school I broke my ankle...ironically because I was trying to impress them with sports even after 3 years of it being all for not. That's when I gave up.

Meanwhile during all this I grew up with no one. I had no friends and was never accepted anywhere. Everyone was quick to come to me for help or answers but once I had served my purpose i was discarded as nothing. the usual flow of my relationships is that I meet someone, they think I'm great, they use me, then they treat em like I have a plague and are quick to slander me.

I don't understand why I have been given this lot in life but I still wonder daily...how is it that I am so ridiculed and looked at as an enemy and trouble maker when there is no evidence in such claims.

I am writing this simply because I have no where else to write this and I have no one to express my pain to....but I figure what more can I lose...and why should I hide and hold everything in simply because I am scared...no one should be scared to express there inner pains and hurts...that's what this place is for If I remember.

I wrote this more as a way to express a lifelong trouble than anything else...but also as a way to maybe reach out and see if I am not alone.

Has anyone else constantly met rejection there entire life? Does anyone else feel like when they falter in the slightest way it is blown to catastrophic proportions? Does anyone else constantly wonder why they have to suffer alone and be rejected by everyone....knowing that %90 of peoples lives revolve around relationships.

It has left me feeling like this world isn't for me...like somehow along the line I wasn't meant to be a human but rather something lower. I don't know how i am expected too meet the expectations of the world around me while being left to do it alone....its not supposed to work like that.

I don't write this against anyone...there is no merit or gain in such an action and is ultimately a foolish idea that leads to the worsening of ones situations...I just hope that maybe I can find out that I'm not alone as I think...that maybe this isn't really how it is....

Dennis

[xn728]

dennislp3 , ive read this post , as for the connecting ,and rejection part ,i was always nice as a kid and all through life into adulthood ,i would do anything for anyone ,but yes as you say once they get what they want ,well you know how it goes ,also even now i believe people can sense that theres something differant about someone ,when there deppressed ,they dont know what it is ,and thats what they dont like .so they treat you differently and in a negative way ,we are differant ,we are strong and brave and we live with a horror they could only imagine ,we are the same ,you and me ,me and you we are equal ,as simple as that ,,,,,,,
,,,,,,xn728

[koalaburger]

Hey Dennis,

This is the most I have ever identified with a post. I have been battling this aloneness all my life. I had about 10 mates who sat together at school and played soccer together. So I was not alone. However, at all times I lived in absolute terror that they would all start dumping on me and hound me out of the group after finally having enough of me. I bumped into one of them about 10 years after leaving school and he said he though I was cool at school. Go figure. I have been battling this crap for about 25 years. I have read lots of self help books on cognitive therapy and emotional recovery. I have been in therapy on and off. I have attended AA and Al anon and Co-dependents anonymous. A lot of the problelms stem from codependency. Books on that have helped.

With my latest therapist I go to poker or bridge and observe my feelings. I then practice strategies to change my reactions and behaviour. One thing I have learnt (and please don't take this the wrong way) is that I developed defenses to protect me from abuse. These were useful when I was a child but work to alienate people from me as an adult. I just call them acting out behaviours. The beginning of recovery is to begin self observation and being ruthlessly honest. I also repeat to myself that I am just a person among persons and I am not some strange rotten creature. Practicing objectively seeing myself and detatching from my subjective and false views helps. That is why I need a healthy therapist to mirror back the reality of the world and of myself because my filters are so damaged.

By the way Dennis you write very eloquently and I wonder if this in not an avenue for you to examine as a hobby or job.

[crystalgaze]

Ah... Koala. Hi there! You've surely got some insight.


"The beginning of recovery is to begin self observation and being ruthlessly honest. I also repeat to myself that I am just a person among persons and I am not some strange rotten creature. Practicing objectively seeing myself and detatching from my subjective and false views helps."


Gosh, that is probably the best quote I've seen in a long time!


" Everyone was quick to come to me for help or answers but once I had served my purpose i was discarded as nothing. the usual flow of my relationships is that I meet someone, they think I'm great, they use me, then they treat em like I have a plague and are quick to slander me. "

Growing up, people did the same thing to me. I told myself that it was okay & that I will triumph in some way. I also realized that there was a lot wrong with the people whom I encountered.


"I don't understand why I have been given this lot in life..."

This may sound odd, but that is not your lot. It might only be your lot when you give up and/or you accept it. I will agree that it's happened to us more times than we would like, but it doesn't have to continue happening for the rest of our lives & in the future.

I've been making sure that I don't put more energy into others than I put into myself. That's usually where I've seen it go wrong enough times.

I am still alone, but seeing as the people I meet are not genuine, I don't have a problem with it. I will not have people use me & abuse me any more. My approach is also different now. It's more of a "when it happens, it happens--if it happens" sort of thing.

I've decided I'm not going to let it get me down any more & rob me of my life, my joy, my every thing.

I know I am a great person & I believe that you are a great person as well & so is Koala & that we did not deserve what happened to us. It probably even had nothing to do with us, meaning the folks we met just weren't good people & those who decided to prey on us were only coming for what they could get in the 1st place.

It's on them, not on us.

I think in my head, I have also gotten to the point where I am thoroughly annoyed with it. My thought is: "So people wanna reject me? Okay. Fine. I will reject the world, until I see something/someone that is worthy of me doing otherwise."

To the non-genuine people who want to roll my way, they can bring it on (because they're not going to win--not today, not tomorrow, not ever. & if I slip up, I slipped up, but they're still not going to win (in terms of affecting my whole aura, emotions, etc. for the long term) I'm not going to let them or their actions/stupidity/selfishness/idiocy/whatever destroy me.

I believe that something better will come our way. Take care.