I have got myself into a constant battle of trying to get the tasks I set my self done, and they never will be as I am always finding new ones. I don't think I ever enjoy the NOW, it is always looking forward, tying to reach the end of the list, if that makes sense. It is so hard to explain but I can't relax untill everything is sorted, how I like it, in my control and it never will be as I'm a nightmare.
I want to change this, I want to feel free.
There is always house work to be done, by the time it is all done it is time to start again.
I never feel like I can enjoy the clothes I am wearing as after about an hour they are dirty in my head to I am then looking forward to when I can get them washed and ready to wear again.
Having the garden done, I should be excited but all i can focus on is when it is done and everything will be back under my control again.
I hate me, I think if I just buy this top, or just lose a bit of weight, or do a bit more running I will like myself!!!!!!!!! Never happens, I feel horrible in my own skin and it makes me want to scream.
I hate this, it makes me feel trapped. I feel so bad towards my husband, he has had a not so great past and now he is stuck with me, a neurotic nightmare who feels like she is about to explode with all the issues that are building up.
I just want to be better to like myself and be good for him, he deserves it, and I think I do as well, but how do I put this into practice.
Constant battle
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
we all live in the same place /but in differant rooms
i know how hard it is ,i feel like that when i wake in the morning ,i dont like to get my hands dirty ,but guess what i work in an animal rescue center ,so everyday i get my hands covered in poo ,i just have to get on with it ,you cant give in ,or the deppression will have won ,this is what it wants you to do GIVE IN ,dont ,im 50 male ,i have screamed ,and i have cryed in front of my work mates ,its so hard ,we can only support you with our kind words and thoughts, were thinking of you now ,how about this ,i will suffer the worst day of your depression ,so you can have a rest ,im not afraid anymore ,your husband loves you ,it may be hard for him to understand but you will make the journey together ,stop now and then and look behind and you will see how far you have come . welcome home xn728,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
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georgiapeach
- Posts: 1729
- Joined: Fri Mar 21, 2008 8:59 pm
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Haitch -
When I read what you wrote, I thought I was looking at one of my own posts. I feel exactly like you - can't clean off the table until I go through the bills, but can't do that until I open and sort them, can't do that until I call the bank etc. etc. etc.
Right now I'm stuck in a terrible circle - I, we - my husband B. and I, are at that age where we need to get our wills sorted out, and such things, and since he has terminal, incurable prostate cancer, and since my health is failing at an astonishing rate, I feel as though I need to get ------ this is strange, but it has to be faced, ready to die. I want to go take all the crap one accumilates over a 19 year marriage that we don't want and go to the flea market and sell it. Start getting it ready for whoever is going to end up having to deal with it when we die. We are planning on going together. (Another story for later.) And since what little I have of a family left would rather I lived on the other side of the planet, I have to figure out what to do with family stuff. The sister is too mean and selfish to give anything to, and the two neices don't need or want any more 'stuff'. So I want to sell it. But for me, because of my arthritis, degenerative disc disease, fibromyalgia, bursitis, and a fusing pair of vertebrae, it is agony just to get up out of a chair. And, if it is not the fibromyalgia that brings with it extreme tiredness, I probably have chronic . . .what is it called - oh, yeah, chronic fatague syndrome. We have no good family members close by and all the friends live 5 hours away. B. is too sick to do much of anything, even though he does a lot. I . . .that is another story too. I would be thrilled just to be able to vacuum the house. Standing up to wash the dishs ruins my back, if I vacuum, I am down for the rest of the day on oxycodone and muscle relaxers. Any movement pinches a nerve. You talk about being free. I feel the same. I want just to be able to do everyday things that people do. I can't.
So recently this loop of being too sick to do what I need to do, combined with being destitute because both of us are fully disabled (he finally got disability - took almost 2 years) and unable to work, B. still pulls in just enough to get the rent paid, gas in the cars, and pay our state health insurance, this loop is killing me. The insurance is a load off, but the copays for laser surgery are probably going to be more than I can afford. Thus I can't get my back fixed, so that I can work so that I can pay the insurance so that I can get my back fixed - - - - -you get the idea. I can't physically do what it takes - load the truck, go out there, set it up, put up with wind and dust devils all day, haggle with people who want a dollar book cheaper, load it all back up and on and on and on. I need help, and there is no one, and I can't afford to hire someone. This is going to start giving me nightmares.
Enough about me. What about you? Is it like that for you too? Thank god I've got the worlds' finest husband.
I can relate to you soooo well. If we don't drive each other crazy, we might be able to shore each other up. Let's try.
Aurelia5
When I read what you wrote, I thought I was looking at one of my own posts. I feel exactly like you - can't clean off the table until I go through the bills, but can't do that until I open and sort them, can't do that until I call the bank etc. etc. etc.
Right now I'm stuck in a terrible circle - I, we - my husband B. and I, are at that age where we need to get our wills sorted out, and such things, and since he has terminal, incurable prostate cancer, and since my health is failing at an astonishing rate, I feel as though I need to get ------ this is strange, but it has to be faced, ready to die. I want to go take all the crap one accumilates over a 19 year marriage that we don't want and go to the flea market and sell it. Start getting it ready for whoever is going to end up having to deal with it when we die. We are planning on going together. (Another story for later.) And since what little I have of a family left would rather I lived on the other side of the planet, I have to figure out what to do with family stuff. The sister is too mean and selfish to give anything to, and the two neices don't need or want any more 'stuff'. So I want to sell it. But for me, because of my arthritis, degenerative disc disease, fibromyalgia, bursitis, and a fusing pair of vertebrae, it is agony just to get up out of a chair. And, if it is not the fibromyalgia that brings with it extreme tiredness, I probably have chronic . . .what is it called - oh, yeah, chronic fatague syndrome. We have no good family members close by and all the friends live 5 hours away. B. is too sick to do much of anything, even though he does a lot. I . . .that is another story too. I would be thrilled just to be able to vacuum the house. Standing up to wash the dishs ruins my back, if I vacuum, I am down for the rest of the day on oxycodone and muscle relaxers. Any movement pinches a nerve. You talk about being free. I feel the same. I want just to be able to do everyday things that people do. I can't.
So recently this loop of being too sick to do what I need to do, combined with being destitute because both of us are fully disabled (he finally got disability - took almost 2 years) and unable to work, B. still pulls in just enough to get the rent paid, gas in the cars, and pay our state health insurance, this loop is killing me. The insurance is a load off, but the copays for laser surgery are probably going to be more than I can afford. Thus I can't get my back fixed, so that I can work so that I can pay the insurance so that I can get my back fixed - - - - -you get the idea. I can't physically do what it takes - load the truck, go out there, set it up, put up with wind and dust devils all day, haggle with people who want a dollar book cheaper, load it all back up and on and on and on. I need help, and there is no one, and I can't afford to hire someone. This is going to start giving me nightmares.
Enough about me. What about you? Is it like that for you too? Thank god I've got the worlds' finest husband.
I can relate to you soooo well. If we don't drive each other crazy, we might be able to shore each other up. Let's try.
Aurelia5
You guys are amazing, I have tried other web sites and never found anything like this.
georgiapeach, i will, life it too precious to give up, and having you guys is making me keep my head high.
xn728, i totally admire the work you do, I would love to do something like that but there is no way I could bare it like you. I work in an office and people take the piss out of me about how clean it is, and I have to force myself not to want to hover once anyone has been in!!!! I am managing it though, most of the time.
When you say don't give in, I feel like that is what I am doing at the moment, I have said in the past that I have always had episodes like this but been able to shake myself out of it but this time round it has been months and I find I am just going through the motions, i listen to music that suits my mood, I have been doing a lot of running which I have found helps me with my pent up stress and anger, gets it all out.
xn728, also so proud of how you have opened up to those around you, I just can't. I have one friend I have told about the abuse (told a past boyfriend who just left the room and we never spoke about it again) but I just can't seem to get myself to talk to her about how I feel at the moment. I feel stupid, feel like I am being over the top and I have so much good in my life that I shouldn't feel like this. Atleast you are being the real you, I don't think anyone knows the real me, not even myself, she is so far hidden behind my act she is barely visable.
xn728 I will not let you suffer the worse of my depression, even though my gratefulness for this comment can not eveb be written, you have enough on your own plate and just having you here is enough for me to suffer it myself.
Your words bring a tear to my eye and give me hope, thank you.
Aurelia5, my heart goes out to you, you sound like a truly brave human being. You should be incredibly proud of yourself. I so totally understand where you are coming from and believe I would be the same. Even in death, we want to be organised and in control. I wish I could help you, there are companies that could assist with the sorting out of possetions, maybe giving it to charity would make you feel good or I know in the past I have used a company called Necessary Furnture who take furniture and bits a peices to give to those that can't afford them.
Both you and your husband will be in my prayers and I look forward to getting to know you better.
Thank you again, all of you. My day seems that bit better due to you.
georgiapeach, i will, life it too precious to give up, and having you guys is making me keep my head high.
xn728, i totally admire the work you do, I would love to do something like that but there is no way I could bare it like you. I work in an office and people take the piss out of me about how clean it is, and I have to force myself not to want to hover once anyone has been in!!!! I am managing it though, most of the time.
When you say don't give in, I feel like that is what I am doing at the moment, I have said in the past that I have always had episodes like this but been able to shake myself out of it but this time round it has been months and I find I am just going through the motions, i listen to music that suits my mood, I have been doing a lot of running which I have found helps me with my pent up stress and anger, gets it all out.
xn728, also so proud of how you have opened up to those around you, I just can't. I have one friend I have told about the abuse (told a past boyfriend who just left the room and we never spoke about it again) but I just can't seem to get myself to talk to her about how I feel at the moment. I feel stupid, feel like I am being over the top and I have so much good in my life that I shouldn't feel like this. Atleast you are being the real you, I don't think anyone knows the real me, not even myself, she is so far hidden behind my act she is barely visable.
xn728 I will not let you suffer the worse of my depression, even though my gratefulness for this comment can not eveb be written, you have enough on your own plate and just having you here is enough for me to suffer it myself.
Your words bring a tear to my eye and give me hope, thank you.
Aurelia5, my heart goes out to you, you sound like a truly brave human being. You should be incredibly proud of yourself. I so totally understand where you are coming from and believe I would be the same. Even in death, we want to be organised and in control. I wish I could help you, there are companies that could assist with the sorting out of possetions, maybe giving it to charity would make you feel good or I know in the past I have used a company called Necessary Furnture who take furniture and bits a peices to give to those that can't afford them.
Both you and your husband will be in my prayers and I look forward to getting to know you better.
Thank you again, all of you. My day seems that bit better due to you.
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