Trying(possibly triggering to those with eating disorders)

[MJ]

I'm finding it hard at the minute not to binge and purge. I spent all day yesterday with my ex boyfriend-come-best friend. The feelings i was having were so confusing. We ordered take away food and I ate a lot knowing how I would feel. I didn't get the chance to purge and today I've been punishing myself for it and have made my throat raw from vomiting. Now, I feel disgraceful. I know how upset he would be with me for treating myself like this. But the guilt makes me feel I should eat but eating makes me feel guilty. It's a cycle I hate.

Sometimes I will be ok for long periods of time but the past month I've been getting worse and worse again. My self-worth's vanished. I'm confused because I'm so upset with my behaviour yet at the time it makes me feel so good. I feel like I'm accomplishing something, if that makes sense. Kind of like I can decide what stays inside me. And of course the physical rush. If only I could restrict myself from eating so much in the first place...the purging is taking it's toll on my body.

I don't want to be like this. The anxiety that someone will find out i've relapsed is horrible. I can't talk to anybody about it because people are only interested in stopping me, not helping me...if that makes sense? All they care about is if I'm sick or not. Not how I feel.

I'm sorry for over-venting. It's made me feel a little bit clearer though. I've been in a haze all day and i'm coming around from it now. I wish I knew what made me act this way.

[aim]

MJ... I am so sorry I did not see this post until now. I do not have an eating disorder, but I certainly can relate to your feelings about food.

Although I am not overweight, I eat too much. I eat when I'm happy, sad, anxious, calm... it doesn't matter. I think to me, the most complicated relationship I have in my life is with food.

Please look at how this is making YOU feel. Do not worry about how your ex-boyfriend turned friend feels about it. It's not his body. It's yours.

As for people being disappointed about your relapse - please take it for what it is. A relapse. Not a defeat. You beat it once and you can do it again.

I remember when I quit smoking everyone was so proud of me. I quit for 18 months and then started again - for absolutely no apparant reason. I have not let my parents know that I smoke again, because, like you, I am ashamnd of it. Then my friend, who I had not seen in quite some time, who was also a smoker who had quit, told me... don't think of it as a failure. It's the hardest thing in the world to stop smoking. Just look at it as a relapse.

See? Relapse is not a bad word. It's just a means to a victorious end.

Take care, MJ...

[stronger]

I don't have an eating disorder either, but I can still relate. I've always had the perfect body, lately I've gained some pounds, my freaking grandmother of all people pointed it out too. So I tried to throw up one time. My body wouldn't do it though. I tell you this because I hope you understand that your problem doesn't make you any less of a person than me or anyone else. It doesn't make you any weaker. I wasn't successful in my attempt but I still felt the self loathing and lack of confidence that your feeling. I don't know exactly what to tell you other than just don't beat yourself up about it. Seek professional help. Start thinking positively. I'm working on not eating as much, I've been blessed with a relatively high metabolism so I've never had to worry about it but lately I eat and eat and eat to make myself feel full inside, ive just felt so empty. But I've been trying to sit down, eat slowly, and REALIZE that when I'm full theres no need to eat anymore. So then you put the food completely away. Sip on a glass of water or chew a piece of gum if you need to. And there's no need to feel guilty about eating a perfectly good meal as long as you don't gorge yourself. And excercise will give you endorphins and make you feel better about what you ate. Hope I helped a little bit...
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Honda gl500 history

[Monty]

Sorry that you are going through all of this MJ. I recognized your name from before. You know that you have a safe place here to vent. Keep in mind that there is no judging here. If you need to let some stuff out, let us read it.

Thanks for putting the trigger note attched to your topic. Very thoughtful of you.

I don't have an eating disorder but do sometimes use food as what seems to be the only thing that I have control of anymore. It also has to do with how upset I am. Sometimes I don't eat because, like I said, that is pretty well the only thing I have in my control. Sometimes I don't eat, because I am so upset. If I eat, it just all comes back up.

You mentioned in your post, that your self-esteem is suffering. I wish that we could help you with that. You know that once you feel better about yourself, you will want to take better care of your body.

I really do feel for you.

Like I said, if it helps to come here to vent, come and vent, as often as you want. We may not be able to "fix" your problem but you can lean on us for support.

Aim was right. Relapse is not defeat. For me it is just a few steps backwards.