"My mind/prison" An excerpt from my Journal

[dennislp3]

I am writing this to express myself....like a journal entry...with the exception of the fact that it is written in a way that is ment to be read by people. When I journal It isnt pretty or well composed so I'm sorry if its hard to follow....Ive been thinking of starting a blog....but only if people read it...we shall see how this post goes and if a blog is a good idea. Sorry for the length


Many people in the chat room may have noticed lately that I havent been myself. Many people would say it is my new meds I'm trying (paxil). While I believe this may be true I don't believe the meds are affecting me all to negatively...I believe they are working. I feel less anxious and my major depression seems to be better....but I feel my depression helped balance things out...it helped control things by keeping me in a low mood...low but consistant.

Since I have started taking my meds my rapid cycling bipolar has been horrible...dragging me down to depths I have rarely gone before and bringing thoughts that were buried deep under my depression...I dont know who I am anymore...I have always struggled with my identity but now im really lost....

I often feel worthless, alone, empty, exhausted, angry, confused, and out of control....I can no longer even take care of myself...I dont eat well at all, I dont shave everyday like im supposed to and dont care when i get yelled at for it, I dont do my homework, I cant sleep, I cant bring myself to shower, I havent done my taxes...I have bills piling up on me (over $400 worth), I'm withdrawing from people, and I cant make good decisions anymore. I am a complete mess....I cant concentrate or think straight...the thoughts in my head are uncontrolled and I am often thinking of multiple things at once

I often lose my sense of awareness and find myself "snapping back" to reality after spending 5, 10, 15, or even 20+ totally unaware of whats going on around me....during this time I am in my own head...thinking and trying to answer questions, trying to calm my mind, and most often just trying to not go crazy. I spend so much time inside my head thinking and trying to figure things out that I begin to question why I even suffer like this and if life is worth it if this is all I have to live for....Every day is a struggle....I know whats wrong with me but I cant help myself...I need help....I am so disconnected from the world and the people in it that I dont even feel real or anything....the physical world to me is something that I dont feel in touch with.

I find it very frustrating that I can seem to have the wisdom and knowledge to help anyone with any problem...Ive helped rape victims, abuse victims, those who suffer from depression, bipolar, insomnia, loneliness, grieving for people who have passed recently, people i n bad relationships, people without motivation, people who are at crossroads with tough decisions to make, people who cant find themselves, people who want to kill themselves or SI, people who hate themselves, people who cant express themselves, people with phobias, people who need general guidance, and people who just need the love and attention of a friend who cares...Ive helped everyone from ages 14 all the way up to 60+.....Ive been asked if I'm a doctor, a priest, a therapist, a chat room OP, and even an angel....yet I am none of those...I am a marine....

Despite being able to fix the worlds problems I cant even help myself...its on of the most frustrating things ever

******WARNING SI CONTENT BELOW**********

To escape myself I can only really do a few things...I go to the DU chat and burden and annoy people, help others, or cut.....in the end though cutting is my only true release. It is the only thing I have freely available to me that takes away all my mental anguish....If I could I would prolly do drugs too....When I cut its the only thing that makes me feel real...the sight of blood and the pain it brings to me gives me a sense of euphoria that I can not attain in any way....its so powerful that when I do cut I lose control of my breathing, sense of awareness, and eventually my mind is quiet...its hard to explain I guess....

Suicide is also something that runs through my mind rampantly...I cant control it anymore...It seems like it would be such an easy thing to do...and then i could no longer exist....


All that I have said is stuff that is always in my head....I have much more to say...but I have already written a book and we will leave it at that....Im sorry for the long post...I hope you can all understand me a little better and I hope to see you in the chat room

Love you all
Dennis

[JovianHalo13]

I love you lil brother, i'm glad you're thinkin about journal/blogging. and if you do i will be here to read every single word of it. I want to hear/read all that you have to say.

<3
~me~

[aim]

I was the no!!! NOTHING PERSONAL OK??? I just don't read any blogs... got enough going on in these forums. Love these polls though - keep doing them!!