How on earth to get help? (A newcomer)

[Innocenta]

It's a catch 22. I'm pretty sure I have at least moderate depression, but how can you tell a doctor this without sounding like a hypochondriac?

Some dark episodes aged 16-18 lead me very reluctantly to the surgery, then to a couple of therapists, but they all said the same. That it was natural for a teenager to feel down sometimes and not to worry, there was nothing wrong. Far from being reasurred, this made me feel more alone and isolated than ever.

I know why I'm probably messed up. I had an abusive childhood. It doesn't take a genius or a professional to spot the link. How to get better though, is a much more difficult question, which I struggle to answer.

I find explaining my feelings excruciatingly difficult, especially to older people. I tried to explain this to the elderly counseller, but she didn't spot the irony. I didn't go back to her.

Now, aged 20, I have repeatedly tried to fix myself but the progress is just too slow.

Friends I used to do as well as in school are now at top universities, while I struggle to get even menial jobs. From getting straight A*s at 16, I sunk into self loathing and passive self destruction. I lost confidence. I left sixth form. I did an arts course but the same problems blighted my progress. I decided to start A levels again as a mature student. Things went well, until I found myself unwilling to get up or leave the house, despite my better intentions. I have stuck to a few crap jobs because I desperately need the money, but even those have dried up, and I am very worried about the future.

I have been better, I have been worse. Most of the time, I feel deadened, lifeless, like my energy is draining away. I stop sleeping, or I sleep too much, trying to kill time. I avoid seeing people. I am unproductive and uncreative. I have been this way on and off for the past four months now.

I don't want to go on like this. I want a better life. My actions don't reflect my intentions. A diagnosis would be helpful if it helped me to change, but I don't want to go through the embarassment of more patronising dismissive professionals.

Anyone kind enough to have read all that have any advice?

[aim]

Innocenta - hello and so sorry for your pain! Sounds to me like you have been seeing the wrong doctors. Anyone, especially in the medical profession that would dismiss your feelings is incompetent at best. Please do not give up on doctors, ok? It takes time to find the right one.

Also, when you go to the doctor, make sure you are 100% honest, and tell he or she everything. Tell them your desire to succeed in life, but how you feel that a depression is robbing you of doing that.

There is counseling and medication available to help you, Innocenta. Do not let ANYONE tell you that what you are feeling does not warrant them to take it seriously. You know yourself better than anyone else; if you feel that something is wrong, something IS wrong, ok?

If you haven't already, think about joining the chat room that is linked to this forum. Lots of nice people who understand and support you.

Take care, Innocenta... and look for a new doctor who will have the brains to take you seriously!

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((( Innocenta ))))))))))))))))))

A hug for you. Have read your post and please continue searching for the proper help. This forum has no 'professionals' in it, just people that deal with depression/anxiety. But sometimes the best ones to talk to are the ones that deal with the same.

Continue posting, that sometimes helps to vent things. And do take care.

Warmie

[stevenirishlad]

Hey Innocenta

1st of all don't let any1 tell you how your feeling because you are the 1 to know that, Ive been just about dealing with depression for the last few years & yes it's like a Mind cancer, no energy, confidence, self esteem, motivation...to be honest it feels like theres nothing going on inside, like a mindless zombie.
But, do believe me when I say there is a light, the light can be turned back on by travelling back to your past and acknowledging and discussing exactly what happened, however bad it was it can't hurt you now...trust me I know because Im dealing with mine through Hypnosis..which I recommend highly to any1 here who feels like absolute shit...it may be expensive but so worth being in the heiht of debt because being in debt is the last thing on your mind when you do start feeling better...
Your younger than me Innocenta & you've your whole life ahead of you...start making changes now because depression doesn't go away itself over time...

Hope you do see the light

Stephen : )

[aim]

Stephen - so wise for such a young man... Glad you're continuing to post, Stephen. And Innocenta - I do hope you're still around... keep the faith guys, it's worth it!!

[Monty]

I know someone who is a clinical psychologist by training but refuses to join their professional society because she figures that often "they are too full of themselves".

I am sure that anyone that has read your post realizes that you are reaching out. Hope that you know that in joining a forum like this you are with like-minded people. In dealing with a support group it should be noted that this one is not professionally moderated by a physican. I have dealt with depression for a long time and have often found that just having someone out there to listen, helps, immensely. As with most things, people who have experienced something personally sometimes are the best "experts".

You deserve someone who treats you as a "person who has an illness and needs help". Often it seems that we are looked at by professionals only as far as our diagnosis. Of which I am not sure if we are not sometimes labelled by the afflication of the month. I ran the gamut of diagnosis before they settled on bipolarII.

I don't know where you are from so don't know how easy it is to "pick and choose a doctor". I am from western Canada where we have a chronic problem with getting all who need to see doctors, to get to them. People try for years to hook up just with a GP, so it is a real challenge to get a pdoc. As a result having no continuity of care. We don't have too much of a choice here, you see who you can. I hope that you aren't in that kind of situation. Make sure that you are seen by someone who treats you with the respect, that you are entitled to.

"I am not bipolar, I am Monty with a bipolar II diagnosis". May sound like playing with words but it is an important distinction for me. I refuse to believe that any of us are a disease, we are people with an illness.

If either of my two mantras offend anyone (I have been in the system so long I am a little cynical though I do have excellent clinicians in my corner now) I will apologize in advance.

"50% of doctors finished in the bottom half of their class, though being proficient in the art of reguritation is not an indicator of how compassionate and caring a physican is. This is not sour grapes because one of my children is quite academically gifted so, in part, I am saying that tongue in cheek"

"In an insane world, only the insane are sane".

Good to see you posting Stephen.
We need to stick together.

Go Team.

[aim]

I completely agree with Monty that people are NOT merely a disease, but a human being suffering from something. Disease does NOT define who you are... your morals, wishes, dreams and the type of person you are does.

It's good to see everyone posting! There is strength in numbers. And the stronger this forum gets, the stronger everyone on it will be.

[Monty]

I checked my email, just before going to bed and saw that there were additions to the thread. This one will be quick.

Thanks aim, it is always nice to see someone agreeing with you.

aim made me think of something that I wanted to share before I forgot.
I don't very often say that people have depression, I pretty well always use the phrase "suffer from depression". Sometimes it may seem that I get too picky with words, but I find that sometimes words are important if trying to describe a condition that can be totally all-consuming in a person's life.

I have mentioned before that I was diagnosed back in the 80's. So often it seemed like I was desperate to explain to others that were fortunate not to have this "black dog" in their corner, so that I could get the help. How do you make sure the people in your life "get it" without seeming to be obsessive.

That is one reason why I am so glad to have found this site. I find it a great comfort when I see on my email account that there is another message for me to read. I find you all very helpful and hope that I can return the favor sometime.

So often I feel like I am alone. Know this comes from the fact that I spent more than 25 years in a town with less than 50 people. Talk about the stigma of having mental health issues when everyone in town knows what you are having for supper.

In the past have found it difficult to share, with you people, I don't.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( Monty )))))))))))))))))

There are no guarantees in life, even for those that love you to understand this 'black dog'. Found the ones that love you, take you as you are. Not sure if that makes sense.

I live in a small town myself, not as small as yours, but still, everyone seems to know everyone. Kind of like that, for I realize I am not in a town of total strangers. Yes there are down falls of small towns, but it is amazing how people come together. First name basis, knows the family.

Please continue posting....... ((((((((((((((((( Monty )))))))))))))))) a warm and gentle hug for you.

Warmie/Jeanie

[aim]

Monty - depression or not, you have definitely not lost your sense of humor! You're a great lady, Monty. And I'm so glad you found this forum.

I remember when I went through the whole nervous breakdown all of those years ago, my parents were incredibly supportive, but they also got frustrated eventually when nothing was working to make me feel better. Trying to explain everything to them was as useless as telling a child not to touch the cookie on the kitchen table.

However, when my health anxiety came back full-force not too long ago, I decided to try and help my parents get it. I printed out several things from the internet trying to shed some light on the illness for them. It did seem to help.

Luckily for me, my boyfriend does understand it, having suffered from some issues of his own. Perhaps that's why he gives me peace? Because I don't have to explain this part of my life to him? Maybe.

Anyway, I do agree with Jeanie that small town have their pros and cons, but we must learn to not allow what other people think and say to affect our recovery... easier said than done, I know, but you know who you are, Monty. And obviously that is a sweet, kind and generous woman who has raised wonderful children! That's all that matters in life, in my opinion. That we are true to ourselves and love as many people as we can in our lifetime.

It's great getting to know you, Monty!

[Monty]

Thanks for the postings. Due to a lot of pretty bad stuff that happened when I was a child I have had such low self-esteem that has followed me all of my life.

I did live in a small town for a lot of years. It was really the lack of privacy that I had difficulty with. The hiding of the depression seemed necessary, at least to me, at the time because my children were small and I was so afraid that they would be ostracized because their mom wasn't totally with it. When I realized that hiding the illness was really just helping to perpetuate having other people needing to draw inward, and not get the help that they needed, I wrote a letter to our local newspaper.

I can remember how I opened it "I Monty, suffer from mental illness.No chicken little, the sky isn't falling because of what I said. What it did was release me from trying to hide the secret that I have tried to keep for too many years". It went on from there to last about a column. I was somewhat afraid of what the response would be, but was totally blown away from the positive comments I received. People came up to me and talked to me right face to face where I was, some pulled me aside and talked to me thanking me for what I did.

The lady that I paid in the gas station for fueling up thanked me for the article and said that she took it home, sat her kids down at the table and they discussed it.

Being in a small town also helped me cope with my illness.When I look back on it, I realize that the good greatly outweighed the bad.Everyone knew my kids, knew where they belonged and I realize that they were also, loved. There is a closeness that you don't get in a bigger center. With having to try to keep a secret, which I realize probably was only a secret in my own mind, it seemed so just daunting.

One of my problems I know came from the fact that when I first got there I encountered party lines for the first time. We were on the same line as the local garage, and I have many tales of the things I shouldn't have repeated on the phone before I realized just how people would listen in, the thought had never occurred to me before of doing something like that.

Due to divorce I moved to a much larger center. I admit, the privacy issue when in a small town, was turned around when I came to the anonymity of a city. I have been fortunate though to make some very good friends, who look out for me. A few times I have mentioned to some of them that I am afraid that I run off at the mouth sometimes (I had ECT a little over a year ago and it has totally changed my personality), it is like I now have verbal diaharrea (sorry for the image that may come to mind) .It's like all the 49 years of keeping quiet in the corner has taken an about turn. They just give me a hug, and tell me to keep talking. I am so grateful that I know the meaning of true friendship.

Not now, but sometime I will maybe comment on what ECT (shock therapy) did to me. I was fortunate, it worked for me. I have a friend that it didn't work for and I sometimes feel guilty, that mine did.

We need to stick together. Nothing feels better than to know that someone has your back.

Go Team.

[aim]

The courage that it took to write a letter to the paper is daunting, Monty. God, good for you!!! I've never been one to hide my anxiety either. Most of the people in my life know that I have this health anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder, and that it is being treated with medication. I don't care. I'm not ashamed of it.

I have to say that my outpouring of support came with my confession as well. I always tell people that it's harder to hide what's going on with you than to be honest about it. Like a giant weight lifted off of you!!!

Thank God for friends, huh? I agree! All we need is one person to listen to us and tell us that everything is going to be ok.

I hope you do share your experience with the shock treatment one day, Monty. Perhaps it will be freeing for you and help some others in the long run. As for guilt... I believe everything happens for a reason, Monty. That's how I deal with guilt, I think.

[stevenirishlad]

Hey

Whatever condition I have I feel like Im ready to throw my stomach up, I have no motivation to move & if I go and do any type of weight training or any sports I feel like I cannot carry my Body...total tiredness and sickness like,
Can any1 relate to that feeling? If I'm not tired and sick I just feel manically all over the place

[aim]

Hi again, Stephen. I'm not a doctor, but oftentimes, Depression can make you feel that way. Losing interest in things you used to enjoy...fatigue....achy. I definitely suggest you go see the doctor so they can check you out and possibly rule out any physical illness, this way you can be treated appropriately.

I'm sorry you're not well, Stephen... I hope you keep posting! You're an asset to the forum.