Anyways, like I said, I suck with relationships. A few months ago I met a very special girl. I didn't think we'd ever hit it off or what not, but we did, immediately. We were friends for the past few months, but after awhile we were really acting like we were pretty much going out. I had been having a hard time with depression and she really seemed to be bringing me out of it. She was there for me and she liked acting in as a therapist and we actually got somewhere with my feelings and emotions.
So we were both happy and everything, but then she wanted to do more. I set my boundaries at sex and anything related, and she agreed with me. Just so you know, she's a very extroverted girl and she's more comfortable around guys than girls. Anyways, so we were hanging out about every day, and we were both loving it. About a week ago we had our first kiss and she went a little farther. The next day I got depressed and I thought it was because of that and us not actually being boyfriend and girlfriend, so I asked her out, and she said yes.
That's when things got bad. I started getting jealous when she flirted with other guys (not really flirting, just flirting motions, but it was always with guys she would never date). But she never seemed to do anything with me. I couldn't figure it out, and I'm not one to go to the source of a problem and try to figure it out. So I just kept to myself, but that brought on a ton of depression. So I was pretty much f*****.
She started getting pissed off at me, and we didn't talk much. Last night we got into a fight and it ended up with us just being friends, but I don't know how long I'll be able to do that. I've tried before and I always want more, and that just causes more pain for everyone. My longest relationship was 2 weeks. I sabotage myself.
So I've been trying to be happy all day, but I just crashed, and so here I am. I've been doing individual therapy and group therapy each week, and I'm afraid to take pills. I tried once and they made me sick for 4 days. I don't know what else I can do. Besides the therapy I have a few friends I can go talk to and they do a good job of helping, but they're all busy tonight.
I don't want to see myself right now. I'm losing faith in love and all that. And please, nobody say "There's someone out there for everyone," or "You'll find someone someday." I'm sick of waiting, I hate being single so much, for 2 reasons: 1) I feel unloved, and 2) I need to love someone. I feel empty without it. I'm getting like full-body spasms/tenses right now. I just don't know what to do right now, or to get myself better. It just seems impossible. I know other people have done it, but I don't think I'm getting any better. I've had 4 different types of therapy with 2 different therapists, and none of them have helped.
Anyways, that's my bitching for the night. I'm gonna try to find something to do, even if it's just take a shower and go to sleep.
