Death..... the reaper cometh
Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2018 3:35 pm
Does any ever pray for death, because they are to much of a coward to do it them selves or believe that it's a sin before God, and there is no forgiveness for that.
I try so hard to be a good person, but my depression gets in the way. I'm to the point that I absolutely can't stand myself. I'll go as far as to say that I hate myself, and want to know why I'm even alive. I feel worthless like I can do nothing right. If i make a decision it's always the wrong one. Then that is usually followed by a big fuss between me and my wife. Usually I'll just tell her to do what she thinks. Then it's on again because I NEVER make a decision. So I've got that going for me. Me being out of work isn't helping, the doctors won't release me because I have to many health problems. So yeah......... Then there is my health problems, and they are many.
So why would God put me through all theses many things and leave me hear to suffer. I've heard it said, That whatever doesn't kill us can only make us stronger. BULL****.!.!.!. Why did he even let me get off the operating table is beyond my own logic. He had the opportunity to take me then.I don't have a clue why I'm even alive.
I'm such a failure to my friends and family. Once apon a time I was making a living and taking care of things like I'm supposed to do. One day I'm working the next day I'm in the hospital waiting on a double bypass. If you looked in the dictionary and looked up the word failure there would be a picture of me.
I can't stand feeling like this.I want it to be over. I want to go back to my life not this prison of guilt, cowardice, loneliness, heart broken, despicable, shell of a life. I feel wore than the fat kid at school that everyone picks on and called names. Guess what I was that kid to, until I learned how to fight. Then I was ok. But how do you fight something you can't see, but only feel.
I do everything that the doctor tells me and I take my meds just like I'm supposed to. And I sill feel this way. Like I've been abandoned by everyone, alone in a crowded room. Usually before the day is through I pray for death to come four or five times a day. I get no answer. He must be to busy to hear me or he's telling me the answer is NO. How long, how long do we have to wait. If God doesn't want to take our lives for us then why don't he cure us.
Depression make me feel like I'm an emotional monster that no one wants to look at or touch. Behind bars in a side show and watching the people turning away because they want no part of me and my fate. I can't control the monster it comes from out of no where and hits me like a freight train. No warning, no signal, just full steam ahead. And it hurts physically and mentally hurts. So sometimes alot of time I cry. I'll go in another room away from every on and cry my eyes out, because it hurts so much.
And that's when I really pray hard for death to come quickly. The pain is almost to much to bare. I don't want to die but if that's what it takes for me to get rid of these feelings. Then I'm ready to check out.
I was just wondering if anyone else felt like this. I'm not suicidal I just want the pain to stop. I want to have a normal life again like everyday people who don't have this deamon monkey on their backs like we do. I'm just starting to figure out that this is a real sickness, so why can't they find a cure instead of doing nothing to make us better.
I try so hard to be a good person, but my depression gets in the way. I'm to the point that I absolutely can't stand myself. I'll go as far as to say that I hate myself, and want to know why I'm even alive. I feel worthless like I can do nothing right. If i make a decision it's always the wrong one. Then that is usually followed by a big fuss between me and my wife. Usually I'll just tell her to do what she thinks. Then it's on again because I NEVER make a decision. So I've got that going for me. Me being out of work isn't helping, the doctors won't release me because I have to many health problems. So yeah......... Then there is my health problems, and they are many.
So why would God put me through all theses many things and leave me hear to suffer. I've heard it said, That whatever doesn't kill us can only make us stronger. BULL****.!.!.!. Why did he even let me get off the operating table is beyond my own logic. He had the opportunity to take me then.I don't have a clue why I'm even alive.
I'm such a failure to my friends and family. Once apon a time I was making a living and taking care of things like I'm supposed to do. One day I'm working the next day I'm in the hospital waiting on a double bypass. If you looked in the dictionary and looked up the word failure there would be a picture of me.
I can't stand feeling like this.I want it to be over. I want to go back to my life not this prison of guilt, cowardice, loneliness, heart broken, despicable, shell of a life. I feel wore than the fat kid at school that everyone picks on and called names. Guess what I was that kid to, until I learned how to fight. Then I was ok. But how do you fight something you can't see, but only feel.
I do everything that the doctor tells me and I take my meds just like I'm supposed to. And I sill feel this way. Like I've been abandoned by everyone, alone in a crowded room. Usually before the day is through I pray for death to come four or five times a day. I get no answer. He must be to busy to hear me or he's telling me the answer is NO. How long, how long do we have to wait. If God doesn't want to take our lives for us then why don't he cure us.
Depression make me feel like I'm an emotional monster that no one wants to look at or touch. Behind bars in a side show and watching the people turning away because they want no part of me and my fate. I can't control the monster it comes from out of no where and hits me like a freight train. No warning, no signal, just full steam ahead. And it hurts physically and mentally hurts. So sometimes alot of time I cry. I'll go in another room away from every on and cry my eyes out, because it hurts so much.
And that's when I really pray hard for death to come quickly. The pain is almost to much to bare. I don't want to die but if that's what it takes for me to get rid of these feelings. Then I'm ready to check out.
I was just wondering if anyone else felt like this. I'm not suicidal I just want the pain to stop. I want to have a normal life again like everyday people who don't have this deamon monkey on their backs like we do. I'm just starting to figure out that this is a real sickness, so why can't they find a cure instead of doing nothing to make us better.