I don't know what to do :(
Posted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 2:24 pm
Hello...
I just wanted to talk about my feelings.
I'm a 16 year old girl and a student.
When I think about my "problem" I just want to laugh. I felt depressed for about a year I think... everything started when I entered grade 10. Just like many other teenagers, I hate school. Doesn't seem like a problem, right? It's just a phase that will end in 1 year... after that, I will graduate from high school.
But let's start with my social life.
I'm someone who has a group of good friends, none of them can be considered as my best friend though... I don't talk to any of them about my problems.
They just see me as a calm, shy and happy girl.
My family consist of 4 amazing people, I love all of them. I live with all of them together, we seem like a happy family.
I'm also someone who is never going out with friends... I'm not very social I think. I prefer staying at home on a friday night and just play video games...
Sometimes I draw, but I lost interest in drawing some time ago..
I think the reason for my depression is the way I live. I don't see any purpose in my life. The day starts with waking up, being absolutely tired , getting ready for school , come back, eat lunch, go to my room and just listen to music or play video games until 10pm and then, go to sleep again. Every day is the same day. And I don't think it'll change in the future. Because I think i'll fail, won't get a good job and disappoint my parents. I feel like I can't do it anymore. My parents want me to have good grades , they are sad because of my brother who failed his A-level exams and don't want that this happens to me... I can understand them...
But I just don't have any motivation. Like 0. Just thinking about school makes me feel anxious and sad. I'm not even getting bullied by someone.. I don't know why I am such a failure. Everyone seems to go through it somehow, they just do their job and make their parents proud.. But I can't do that..
I'm too weak to survive in this world, I don't know how to stand and not fall
I think that I can't handle life anymore...
I don't do my homework, I'm not eating well, I'm not cleaning my room or helping my tired and old mother in the house, I'm not going out with friends, I just get C's and D's in school ... my written exams are around the B and A mark but I don't participate in class because of my social anxiety and that's why my grades dropped to C and D..
Friends and family ask me "why can't you just try, just do it without thinking about it too much"
They don't understand that I already try but I don't succeed because I'm too weak...
And when I talk to my family about my problems they just tell me to overcome this difficult phase like every other student...
This makes me feel like a failure even more
I often thought about killing myself, but I'm even too weak for that.. and I'm really afraid
Everything's too much for me, and I don't know why I am even doing all of this
"Living" my life
Others have stories to tell, about their youth
How they experienced a lot, found their first love, went out with friends, watched movies or took pictures
But I feel like my youth is non existent
I just waste my time living in this world
Today, Tomorrow, the day after tomorrow
Everything repeats
Nothing changes
When I think about killing myself, these thoughts are sincere.. they seem so sincere
It's something that always comes back, it doesn't appear only when I'm the saddest, it's always there
I had these thoughts for a longer time and I don't see any purpose in living my life like that...
I'm going to enter grade 12 in some months, the last year of high school ... life won't get easier nor better
Just more stress and more failure are ahead of me
I don't know what to do ...
I just wanted to talk about my feelings.
I'm a 16 year old girl and a student.
When I think about my "problem" I just want to laugh. I felt depressed for about a year I think... everything started when I entered grade 10. Just like many other teenagers, I hate school. Doesn't seem like a problem, right? It's just a phase that will end in 1 year... after that, I will graduate from high school.
But let's start with my social life.
I'm someone who has a group of good friends, none of them can be considered as my best friend though... I don't talk to any of them about my problems.
They just see me as a calm, shy and happy girl.
My family consist of 4 amazing people, I love all of them. I live with all of them together, we seem like a happy family.
I'm also someone who is never going out with friends... I'm not very social I think. I prefer staying at home on a friday night and just play video games...
Sometimes I draw, but I lost interest in drawing some time ago..
I think the reason for my depression is the way I live. I don't see any purpose in my life. The day starts with waking up, being absolutely tired , getting ready for school , come back, eat lunch, go to my room and just listen to music or play video games until 10pm and then, go to sleep again. Every day is the same day. And I don't think it'll change in the future. Because I think i'll fail, won't get a good job and disappoint my parents. I feel like I can't do it anymore. My parents want me to have good grades , they are sad because of my brother who failed his A-level exams and don't want that this happens to me... I can understand them...
But I just don't have any motivation. Like 0. Just thinking about school makes me feel anxious and sad. I'm not even getting bullied by someone.. I don't know why I am such a failure. Everyone seems to go through it somehow, they just do their job and make their parents proud.. But I can't do that..
I'm too weak to survive in this world, I don't know how to stand and not fall
I think that I can't handle life anymore...
I don't do my homework, I'm not eating well, I'm not cleaning my room or helping my tired and old mother in the house, I'm not going out with friends, I just get C's and D's in school ... my written exams are around the B and A mark but I don't participate in class because of my social anxiety and that's why my grades dropped to C and D..
Friends and family ask me "why can't you just try, just do it without thinking about it too much"
They don't understand that I already try but I don't succeed because I'm too weak...
And when I talk to my family about my problems they just tell me to overcome this difficult phase like every other student...
This makes me feel like a failure even more
I often thought about killing myself, but I'm even too weak for that.. and I'm really afraid
Everything's too much for me, and I don't know why I am even doing all of this
"Living" my life
Others have stories to tell, about their youth
How they experienced a lot, found their first love, went out with friends, watched movies or took pictures
But I feel like my youth is non existent
I just waste my time living in this world
Today, Tomorrow, the day after tomorrow
Everything repeats
Nothing changes
When I think about killing myself, these thoughts are sincere.. they seem so sincere
It's something that always comes back, it doesn't appear only when I'm the saddest, it's always there
I had these thoughts for a longer time and I don't see any purpose in living my life like that...
I'm going to enter grade 12 in some months, the last year of high school ... life won't get easier nor better
Just more stress and more failure are ahead of me
I don't know what to do ...