Depression Understood Forums

I'm severely sleep deprived lately.

Not that I could not fall asleep at all. It's more like I have been resisting sleep.
I know this is bad. I'm tired and zone out too much during the day. Needless to say my productivity is ruined and it's only a matter of time before my boss finds out. The lupus is getting nastier, edema is developing and my skin is cracking. I'm getting used to the awful pain here and there. Doctor has solemnly warned against staying up late... in fact he suggested that I take a long break so I can adjust my lifestyle. I don't know. It's almost like I'm trying to sabotage my own life.

Still love my wife and kid, but there are times I resent them. My wife is a stay-at-home mom but I do like 90% of the housework because our kid is her top priority. She spends almost all her free time using facebook and shopping online. I don't have free time unless I sacrifice some sleep hours which are already few. Our kid being still little can often be totally unreasonable. I've caught myself saying dryly to her, "Why am I even trying to be your daddy?" That's nasty, I know. I should have been patient, understanding and all, I should... I really want to say screw it. Sometimes I want to slap her when she screams for no good reason, but I remember how my father used to slap and belt me and how I still hate that, so I have been able to control myself so far. Wife keeps saying "she can't help it, she's just a little kid" and that doesn't help.

I want to sleep and I don't want to sleep, knowing one day I'll be able to sleep for all eternity...

BTW, don't know why but I've been recalling my childhood dreams. Wanted to be a cop-- quit after only a few years scarred inside and out. Wanted to be a doctor-- never able to go to medical school. Wanted to be a scientist who will contribute to humanity-- hahahahaha forget that. Wanted to be an artist-- believed it when my parents said I had zero talent and gave up permanently.
What am I now? Just a trivial living human whose life means nothing and who never positively contributed anything to the society.
Why am I even still trying? I want to believe my wife and kid still love and need me but part of me is whispering something else. I guess the brain does go crazy when you're missing too much sleep.

I think you should take your doctor’s advice, take some time off and adjust your lifestyle! This is just an example, I’m not comparing my life to yours-I have two kids and at one point I stayed home and took care of them for two years. It was a difficult adjustment and my wife and I had to seriously talk about responsibilities and who does what. Yes, taking care of a child or children is difficult and it is far better if a parent stays home, but there has to be an equal division of labor and I think you might want to get some professional advice.

Lupus and everything that goes along with it is an incredible adjustment, I don’t need to tell you, but maybe your wife doesn’t fully understand and needs to know what you need until you’re able to get back up to full speed. You’re important, your contribution is your child, that’s the important thing you’ve done. Don’t give up hope, don’t give up period, your family needs you more than you realize. Does that make sense?

Someone once said, “Emotions are temporary states of mind, Don’t let them permanently destroy you.’
Yes sometimes the brain does some crazy whispering. When I pay attention to those whispering thoughts, they drag me down; they cause me to become off-centered; I become bitter and angry; I can lash out. I don’t know if you have a faith system, but I have learned to deal with those thoughts by instead focusing on just the opposite. This powerful Bible verse gets to see hope...
‘Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.’
When I do that, I begin to see my life as an endless hope rather than a hopeless end.
Perhaps this article can help and encourage: http://bit.ly/2AML2FA
Sometimes I hear my wife but I am not listening. It may be a good idea to find out what her needs are and share with her your needs. When my wife and I talk, I stop what I’m doing and look her right in the eyes. I do this so that I know and she knows that she has my complete undivided attention and it also show that what what she is saying is important. You may want to work on having a good or better relationship- that begins with good communication and that starts with good listening.

You to calm down and go to doctor

Hey,
First make your self calm everything will be okay and go to the doc.