Hi

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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Will0w
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon May 29, 2017 7:32 am

Hi

Postby Will0w » Wed Jun 14, 2017 9:23 pm

Hi,
I'm new on this forum so this is my first post, i'm kinda unsure if I should post here because I think like my problems aren't real problems. I mean, there isn't something that makes me particulary feel sad but I still have a lot of difficulty to handle things in general these times.
I don't know if there was a beginning to all of this but if there was it was probably last summer, when I began to talk to a person who became my internet friend, then bestfriend. Even if my thoughts are now a big mess, the one thing that is still clear to my mind is that I shouldn't ever had talked to this one person. I believed everything she said because I was naive, she told me she was depressed and suicidal which made me suffer a lot. I was 14 at this moment and she was 18. She told me about all of her problems and literally dragged me down because I cared so much about her. I realized too late that she was a manipulator. She said things I will never forget, made me feel horribly guilty a lot of times. (I culpabilize over everything, it's very easy to make me feel guilty). I lost count of all the nights I spend trying to stay awake to help her but she was never listening and it was always the same over and over. She was putting so much pressure on me I felt like I was drowning, she told me that she couldn't live without me. Now that we've stopped talking, she told another person she didn't remember my name. I feel so stupid because late at night, her name still race trough my mind though it's been mounths we don't talk anymore.
At the beginning of the year, I've started to cut myself, I used to dot it probably the whole year, rarely or more often. Now that summer came, I can't anymore because I don't want anyone to notice it.
It's been a few mounths I feel like "this". I don't know exactly, but I feel like my life is becoming a mess. I thought things would get better, but days after days, weeks after weeks, I realized that I'm only getting worse. It's weird because I don't truly have any reason but I'm conscious that I'm not okay, and usually far away from okay.
I still feel guilty really often for apparently no reasons. I'm anxious most of the time, and sometimes numb too wich is an "emotion" I hate. I've lost interest in things I used to enjoy, I often sit on my bed listening to music or silence and stare blankly at my messy room because I don't have the energy to do anything. Now, I don't like anymore being home, especially in my room, alone with my thoughts. When I'm bored, my stress is growing faster. I have also a problem with sleeping : tonight for exemple, it's almost 3am. One hour ago, I was so tired and about to go to sleep and then I began to stress about falling asleep and I made myself a cup of coffee so I can stay awake. I don't have insomnia, medical sleep issues or nightmares. It's just in my head, I can't explain it clearly. It's like I don't deserve to sleep, or I shouldn't because it could make things go wrong, I don't know, it's weird but it's really stressful sometimes.
It's like my emotions are a rollercoaster, i'm either sad, anxious, guilty or happy but in a strange way, as I feel euphoric, unstoppable, invicible. These moments of joy are really intense, it's like i'm no longer conscious of the reality, like I have two different personnalities.
Things have changed in my way of I'm considering my life. I no longer want to be happy, it's not my goal anymore, I found myself thinking happy people were only deceiving themselves, I know I'm wrong but I'm confused. I no longer have passions either, except writing, and I don't have plans for my future. I think of death a lot but I don't want to die, I'm just thinking, that's all.

I'm confused about telling my friends or family about everything, or one of these things. The problem is that I have kept it to myself, I've been silent for too long now and I don't know anymore how to express my feelings. I'm scared of making people worry about me, I don't deserve their help and I don't think they can really do anything.
So, that's it I guess. Thanks a lot for taking your time to read this, I just needed to get it out of my chest, sorry for all the repetitions and mistakes in my sentences, my english isn't that good.

Have a nice day/night, everyone !

Noir
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Jun 06, 2017 3:27 pm

Re: Hi

Postby Noir » Sat Jun 17, 2017 6:58 pm

Hi! :)
I kind of understand your feelings... I could say that I have a great life; I have an awesome family and amazing friends, but sometimes I just feel so empty and so depressed. Once I told my friend about it and she told me that the only thing that maters in life is to be happy. I really tried to agree with her but I still feel like being happy is not enough for me. I mean, if there is no life after death, does something really matter? When we won't even exist, we won't remember that once we were happy; because we won't exist. But then she told me, that is better to be happy now and then not remember it, than not to be happy because we think it won't matter and then live and remember that we weren't happy and that we wasted life. So I think she is probably right. Even if happy people are deceiving themselves, they are happy. And they don't care that happiness is a lie (if it is). If it is the only thing that can help us survive the madness of this world, then be happy. I know it's hard... It's very hard, but... It's worth it ;) And you shoul sleep! Definitely! Sleep is an effective cure for anything! Everyone deserves to sleep! :D Sou said that you are passionate about writing! That's awesome! Then write! If it's writing what makes you full and happy, then write all the time :DD And why do you think you don't deserve help? If you don't, then nobody does. And maybe a warm hug from a caring friend could light up your day ;) It's not a shame to talk about things like this :)
I hope that I helped you at least a little ;) You know, I think you have a realy big potential in you... let it grow... ;D

P.S.: Have you ever heard abou a site called: wattpad.com? :D It's a comunity of writers from all around the world where you can publish your stories and read the stories of other people. I think you would like it ;)

asmallkatamari
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Jun 10, 2017 3:01 pm

Re: Hi

Postby asmallkatamari » Mon Jun 19, 2017 2:17 pm

Hello, thanks for sharing with us! You articulate your words very well, I hope you keep writing a lot! ^^

I met someone online once who turned out to be really manipulative too and I know how hard that can be. They want to find any reason to blame you like you are everything that's wrong and control you as much as they can through guilt. There's never any pleasing these people no matter what you do. Just know that you deserve to feel loved and accepted for who you are. And you deserve to get help too! We all go through crap together, it's nice to know that we can help each other out. I'm sure your family would be so thankful and happy to help you and know how you're feeling. Opening up to the people you care about is a huge first step, and it can pave the way to therapy if you need too. It's scary, and I know very well the hopeless feelings you have, but know you don't have to go through it alone. Talking with others is the best thing ever for giving air to all these horrible thoughts that circle inside our heads for so long until they're basically growing moss..

I wish you the best and take care. ^^


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