I've been depressed, suicidal, diagnosed with anxiety, OCD, anorexia, and so on since I was around 6 or so (fun times!), and had a lot of bad events and toxic personal relationships in life and the genetical mental health is very much stacked against me. And, I've never been able to get myself to really admit to someone that I wanted or needed help, specifically of a chemical variety.
Over the past few months, I've gotten to a strange point. I've moved out and that has helped me in so many ways. Mainly, without having to take care of people around me, I've started actually wondering if I should take care of myself. But, I'm noticing a lot of bad patterns in my mental health and I think, well, I don't think I want to keep living like this.
I'll have a few days, maybe a week/week and a half, where I am so happy. I love myself, my appearance, my friends, my life, and everything is a joy. And it's wonderful.
And then it's gone.
And for a week, usually two, I am so miserable and so full of self-hatred and nothing in life seems worth it or exciting. All the happiness is gone and I'm empty and beyond all else, sad. I feel imprisoned by my own company.
It's just this wave of up and down and it's...tiring. But, I've always told myself I don't need to ask for help because I still make myself do my work, I'm still productive, I still go through all the motions...When I'm sad, I think help seems futile, when I'm happy, I think anyone would laugh at me if I said I have a problem.
But, even if I don't know how to diagnose it or what is quite going on, I'm just...tired of feeling like this and staring to realize maybe there is a better way to not be living in fear of when the happy period will end or if the sad period will end.
How do people convince themselves that it's worth it to ask for help? How do I figure out what's going on in my head, in my brain, and actually explain it without just chickening out of seeking help? I guess I just wish someone could help me understand why I'm like this, if there's a chemical or other solution (I've been in talk therapy for about 12 years, not going anywhere because I'm not great at, well, sharing.), or if that's just how it is.
Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.
2 posts • Page 1 of 1
I could immediately relate to your post since i go through somewhat similarly, periods of immense happiness than a sudden low which makes it difficult to grapple on. The last few years also revealed a pattern - whenever i am a part of a group which goes to villages and serves people - like distribution of food to the poor or medicines etc - i feel immensely happy and when the event passes on i tend to turn south. My resolution is to continue to be part of social activities in order to turn my attention outward to understand and empathize with others than focusing too much of my own pain.
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