Toxic relationships

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2016 3:20 am

Toxic relationships

Postby Katjie » Wed Nov 30, 2016 3:49 am

Hi, I am new here!

I have been suffering with depression all my life because of a violent childhood. I tend to be hard on myself and judge myself by how others judge me, can't stop or help it.

I know it is stupid, but it seems that I always attract people who will eventually abuse my emosionally/mentaly....I will start a relationship (with a man) with no exspectations but only because he seems bright and nice...usually then when it becomes serious (from both sides), after al while he wants to control me and if I do not play the role of a submussive damsel in destress, he will try to destroy me by insulting me as a woman and person because I became cold because of all the abuse....I live constantly with feelings of guild that there is something wrong with me as n me, I always start out to be very warming an loving and dedicated, but men abuse my trust and I am clever enough to figure it out...then the trouble starts!

I seem to attract all the abusers, I was even married to a certified psycopath (my first love and I was 22) and was told that I was the reason he is a psycopath. It took me years after the divorce to learn to love myself.....I never do "desperate" when I start relationships, it is mutual always....but why do I keep having the "abusers" in my life?

Now I am in an engagement that is now broken but we still live together as "god knows what" because he can't give me a straight answer where I am in this with him....because again I am being emotionally abused and controlled financially (because he is the jealous type, so I resigned a good job 4 years back to help him in his business), I am not the vibrant, selfassured person he got to know, anymore....HE on the other hand, if our arguments get out of control, he will threaten me that he will throw me out on the street because I am cold and he does not get any love (not true, but he does not know how to "make love", he only does cold sex....and I have talked to him nicely about that many times, but HE is always right and I am always wrong, because I am the "crazy one" one pills....

IS it because I manage my depression with pills, that even my boyfriends discriminate against me? Will I EVER be able to be with a man who will uplift me instead of taking advantage of my "weakness". Believe me, I am friendly and "normal" as most persons...I just struggle with anxiety, but anxiety follows me...

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Joined: Fri Oct 14, 2016 5:03 pm

Re: Toxic relationships

Postby du4mmb » Mon Dec 05, 2016 10:10 am

Hi, Katjie, I'm fairly new here, also. Welcome!
I'd like to share what I believe to be true. And, again, this is my belief: That we are ALL are somebody. We were ALL created equal. No one, not any one person, is better than another. Again, simply put, we were ALL created the same. We may have a different skin color; yet the same. We, and I'm including myself, have to remember that and not believe in any other person who may want us to believe otherwise; when we do, that's when we begin to believe someone else's perception of us. Having said that, I believe that depression is real, is complex, and is not at the same depth or reason or same medical level for any one person. I can't say this is fact. This is just what I believe. And my belief is out of having experienced depression, a lack of confidence in myself, and allowing other negative people and things to affect me. For a long time, I thought it's up to me to turn things around -- I read a lot of self-help books thinking fixing self (me) was the answer; I thought I could go at it alone. But when I hit rock bottom, that was when the answer was made clear. It's not about me; it's all about the One Who created me. He is the Light at the end of the tunnel. He is there for us, and wants us to experience the good He made for us. I pray that you may see the Light -- a choice that is available to everyone.

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Joined: Wed May 25, 2016 2:11 pm

Re: Toxic relationships

Postby Helloraspberries1 » Wed Dec 07, 2016 2:53 am

Hi Katjie, welcome to the forums.

I am sorry to hear what you been going through. I can't imagine what it must of been like for you from be treated unfairly from your parents to being in toxic relationships. I'm sorry you had to go though that.

It's good to see your talking about this and opening up to others about how it's made you feel. That's always a good starting point and you should be proud of yourself for that.

From what the other person said below, it doesn't matter who you are, where you have come from and what you look like. We are all humans and should be treated the same way. No one is better then anyone else. Also I agree about looking into self help books. I have read one and it did help alot and they give you so much advice on how to go about things in a different way and give you advice on what to do.

I think starting with building your confidence and getting to know who the real you, should hopefully give you the reassurance you need to deal with these problems ahead. Also by talking and sharing your story to others can help with building your confidence too. Trying to get social and be around people who understand what your going is always a good thing to see the good in things.

You should see a difference about how you feel in yourself. It is an ongoing thing and it takes time but with help and support from others you should get there.

Please do keep reaching out. Your not on your own and things will start to improve eventually. Try and stay strong and positive.

If you need any further help there are some helplines you can access on here to talk to someone in need.

I hope that helps and good luck.

Posts: 32
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2016 3:20 am

Re: Toxic relationships

Postby Katjie » Fri Dec 09, 2016 5:14 am

Hi there du4mmb & Helloraspberries1!

Thank you so much for your replies, I did not expect to hear from anyone because when I have joined I saw that a lot of posts were long ago...
The whole point of joining this forum (I was looking for this kind of webpage because I needed to talk and get advice) was to help me with a different perspective.

You are both so right, I AM a special person, for G*'s sake I was the lucky sperm who got trough haha! You know, if you go through all the posts and comments, I have also give some others advice from my experience. It helps a LOT to talk about things like that because it is over the internet and we are not under any obligation with each other and therefore there is no room for judgement or dependency. One can talk us much as we like.

It helps me also to be reminded that I am not alone, I have plenty of experience and inputs to share still and will post them as I have the time.

Naturally one can't turn off the way one feels, I WILL have bad days that are still to come, but I appreciate people like you to support me all the way and you both (and others) should feel free to talk about ANYTHING with me as well.

I am slowly trying to make peace about my damaged 4 year old relationship - we are living as "friends" now, after we broke our engagement this year, but it is difficult to change matters as sex and emotional intimacy if you had a deep relationship and was even engaged.

He might move out next year and I want to interview a few candidates for a housemate because I don't want to loose my rented home that will be too expensive to keep on my own....when he moves out, I WILL have to deal with it and it will not be pleasant.

At least I have support in you guys, thank you so much again!!!

Posts: 260
Joined: Wed May 25, 2016 2:11 pm

Re: Toxic relationships

Postby Helloraspberries1 » Fri Dec 09, 2016 1:19 pm

That sounds like a good idea. You won't know the outcome till next year and so it shouldn't do you any harm by looking for other housemates.

I don't know if him living with you is a problem or not but I see that you two was once a couple and had feelings for each other so I don't know if he leaves whether you will feel sad or not. That's what I'm thinking?

Whatever happens you can go about your life the way you want it. Concentrating on what's important like your kids is a good sign. Still having a social life is a good thing to maintain too. It is about staying strong so keep doing that.

There is always someone to talk to on here so you can talk to us anytime. We're always here no matter what.

Take Care and Good Luck x

Posts: 32
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2016 3:20 am

Re: Toxic relationships

Postby Katjie » Mon Dec 12, 2016 3:37 am

Hi all

I am feeling sad again, well, for a while at least.

This "ending of my relationship" does not have a real ending, no conclusion....

He is friendlier as ever, he kisses my goodbye and goodnight and hello again if he is coming home. He says constantly he is moving out soon because his teenage daughter needs him near, she apparently said so...which I know it is not really her saying that, because I know her, she is spoiled....but he coaches her into making promises and statements and she does says "yes and huh" and she is NOT the person saying directly that she needs he tells me that SHE said in full sentences she wants him to move nearer (just 40km away from me????).

He is confusing me, because when I become sad and in a sad mood (I am NOT trying to manipulate him), he picks it up and wants to know why I am sad...then he explains his plans all over again, instead of being sympathetic....then I stop the conversation before it becomes out of order.....when I start to cry (because I still love him) he hugs me and say that anything can happen in a few months, it will not be NOW...maybe he will think about it more because he loves me to.....He CONFUSES me, I don't know what to think of his constant "thinking" about you think he is messing with me because he also can't affort to move out now?

He promised me there is no-one else, no other woman and I believe him because he doesn't have the privacy or time and I spy on his mobile sometimes and there seems to be only his clients contacting him....he is still warm towards me, BUT he doesn't want to make love anymore and sleeps in another room the past two is cruel of him to be warm and going on as if nothing has happened, he even takes me out to dinner etc like at the beginning - he is the nicest to me more than the past 4 years...

Is there any male person out there who can explain to me what my boyfriend (or whatever he wants me to believe) is thinking? I don't understand him hurts.

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Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2016 2:25 pm

Re: Toxic relationships

Postby Lwoodall » Wed Dec 14, 2016 3:23 pm

Dear Katjie, I am very sorry about what is happening! Unfortunately, we have suffering in this life. I can relate to some of your pain and I know that we need a lot of help from God constantly. Some of us have hurts that are affecting us and that is one reason why we struggle with things like anger, negative thoughts about ourselves, intense attachment to others, etc. But I hope that you know that you are valuable and important. One thing that has been helpful for me at different times is meeting with a counselor. Many people have said that counseling, or mentoring, can be very helpful. There is an organization called Focus On The Family and they have a staff of licensed professional counselors who are available to listen, pray, and provide guidance. You can arrange to speak with one of their counselors at no cost by calling 1-855-771-HELP (4357). Also, some people attend a ministry called Celebrate Recovery, which can be very helpful too, and you can visit their website to find out about meetings in your area. May God be with you! May God be with all of us always! You are a strong person and God cares about you.

Posts: 32
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2016 3:20 am

Re: Toxic relationships

Postby Katjie » Thu Dec 15, 2016 7:13 am

Hi Lwoodall

Thank you for caring. I am from South Africa, we do have other helplines to phone if we feel lost...but I have lost trust in psychologists and counseling overall, the ones I have had appointments with so far (a lot of them), made me feel like a lab rat, it is if they can't wait for it to be over, because they make their money (They are very expensive per hour) and others are waiting in line. NOBODY has every given me the direction to follow to cope, they just sit there and "uhm, ahhhh, ok, how you feeling? bla bla bla) but afterwards I step out of their offices and feel cheated out of money and time. I could have talked to the walls....

I had to talk to psychiatrists as well, because it is only for them to know what kind of meds I need, but it is just for monitoring purposes, they are not really interested and you have to be quick as well because there is a looooong line of other patients waiting, again feeling of cheat.

I stick to my meds (it is compulsory) and I do see the psychiatrist every 6 months to monitor me, but nobody else understands, so I have resorted to this forum where I can talk freely and those who are not bored with me hahaha, have a choice if they want to talk back and it is for free :P

It helps if I support the others here as well, it makes me put my own problems in perspective.

I do appreciate your advice, keep talking if you want to... :-)

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