Held in Place

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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nenkohai2
Posts: 143
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2014 12:43 pm

Held in Place

Postby nenkohai2 » Fri Mar 25, 2016 3:47 pm

I feel like I'm being held in place. Expectations need to be met. Money needs to be earned. Kids put through school.

Pieces of me die-off. I can feel it. Just like HAL when he lost his computer-mind. "I can feel it. I am afraid..."

And I wait. Waiting. I think for my responsibilities to lessen.

God. I don't want to be dead before I die. There's still things I want to do with this life. Many many things. Great things. Little things.

Am I impatient? Or slowly dying-off? I don't know. I don't know.



(no response is needed)

nenkohai2
Posts: 143
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2014 12:43 pm

Postby nenkohai2 » Mon Mar 28, 2016 3:16 pm

Really down day today. Haven't felt like this in a while. And I think I know precisely why: the in-laws are coming for a week. Their retirement home (in one of those stepped-care facilities... they're in a small single family home) re-does the carpet, flooring and paints every ten years.

I wish I could say that I don't mind it. But I do. When we talked about it, my wife said, "I don't want you to say no." My response was, "I won't."

I get to feeling trapped in my own home because I have change my behavior patterns around them. Mom-in-law is judgemental and Dad-in-law's health is failing. They're good people and have really helped us out.

And of course, I start the self-guilting thing. The end result of it all is that I spin into a depressive state.

Well, no way around it now. I'll just have to roll through it and try to keep my passive-aggressiveness in check.

It makes me want to swear a lot. Maybe that;s because dad-in-law is a retired clergyman. Although, I don't relish the idea of having to tell them why I have a statue of Buddha in the backyard. Wouldn't THAT be a fun convo (NOT)?

I'll live. Just I'll be pissy for the next 5 days.

(no reply needed on this one, either)

100footpole
Posts: 477
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm

Postby 100footpole » Tue Mar 29, 2016 12:19 pm

Hai Nenkohai2,

Last weekend the in-law who provided care for my mother-in-law took his yearly vacation. My wife and I took over care for my mother-in-law.

You are right that depression is a selfish possessive demon. My wife and I both felt a huge burden lifted from us when we were relieved. There is the "should" of ethical obligations, and then there is the reality of pissy old people. My mother-in-law did not acknowledge anything we did, but when we were leaving she said "What's your hurry?". She has alzheimers so she didn't realize we had been with her for five days.

The phrase is just a habit she has now, her form of "goodbye". But it was so hard not to lose my temper and explain why we were "hurrying". On the other hand we feel kind of fullfilled now that our part is done.

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viuuiuvy
Posts: 24
Joined: Wed Jun 15, 2016 2:29 pm
Location: Pontoon Beach, Illinois

Re: Held in Place

Postby viuuiuvy » Wed Jun 15, 2016 2:56 pm

There are times when I feel as if "I'm running out of time". As if there is not enough time for me to do what I want to do with hobbies and such. It's so hard sometimes to get up early & go to bed at a normal hour. It's a problem to have productive days (as sometimes I feel like laying in bed and not getting out). Currently, I'm doing a lot better.

I've managed to get up early & have good days. Although in the past, there were times where it was just the bed & my cat.

After my cat passed away, I've felt so pale & out of it & there is no one to comfort me through the night. It's been almost three years now & after moving from place to place things tend to just fade out and dwell in the past......

:)


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