I hurt.

[Xarvon1412]

I am not suicidal, but I do want to die.
This is the motto that I have lived with for the past few years, ever since I stopped self-harming. I honestly believe that statement to be true. I really don't want to kill myself, but honestly? I want to die. I want to no longer be alive. To be more precise, I wish that I had never existed at all. I have an amazing family, great friends, and a beautiful girlfriend, all who love and support me and want nothing for the best for me. They are why I wish that I didn't exist. If I die, they'll be sad, and that crushes me on the inside. I wish that I had never come into their lives at all, I wish that all of this could just go away. I don't know what this is, a confession I guess? I can't tell anybody in my life how I'm feeling, because we've gone through this before, this depression thing. I cut for a long time, pretty badly. I've been suicidal, I've had attempts on my own life before, but none that came to anything, obviously. They all felt so happy when I got better. When I started smiling more, when I came out of my shell, when my voice got a little louder, when I started doing things for myself. To be honest? I felt better. I felt good. I felt like the person that I was finally meant to be, not some waste of life that was only here to die. I felt like I was finally a part of something. I haven't been religious in a long time, so my sense of a greater purpose was still missing, but I finally felt like I had a purpose at all. It felt good. I don't know, I finally felt good. Recently though, I've fallen back into my old ways of thinking. I'm no good. I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I don't deserve any of this. I don't know what happened, but I feel like the old me again. I hate it. I hate me. Maybe I'm just having an off time lately, but I really don't want to go back to the way that I used to be. I really don't want to go back to the person that I was. I know who I was, and I acknowledge and respect my past self, but I don't ever want to be them again. I feel broken. I finally got my life back together, and now suddenly is falling back into the same depression that I worked so hard to scrape my way out of. I really don't know. I know that depression never really goes away, it will always be hard, but I'm letting it affect my life again. This just can't be happening, this isn't right. I don't know what this is. I don't know why I'm typing. I don't know why I'm going to hit submit. I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to fall back into my old ways. I'm scared. Please, save me. Please, send help. I am lost and alone, and I hurt. All of me hurts. Nothing is okay right now, and I need it to be okay again. Please. I don't know how, but save me. Save me. Somebody please.

[Seann]

Wow, that is pretty deep. Are you feeling better since you got this off of your chest? An emotional outpouring like that can sometimes be the first step. It is for me at least. I feel your pain, and for a lot of the same reasons that is why I'm here as well. Did you notice something recently that triggered the reimmergance of these feelings? I guess the trigger doesn't matter as much as finding a way out of that crushing hopelessness. Can you take a day or two off from life and get a change of scenery?

That feeling that you value the life that you created has to be a good thing at least. So many people, including myself, want to tear everything down in some kind of self destructive rage. The fact that you like who you've become might be a good start. What can you do to enhance the good to overcome the bad? I'm not a therapist in any way, but if you want someone to unload on I am available. I know for me it helps getting the thoughts out there in the open. They don't feel as scary then. Hang in there

[100footpole]

This is deep:

I finally felt like I had a purpose at all. It felt good. I don't know, I finally felt good. Recently though, I've fallen back into my old ways of thinking. I'm no good. I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I don't deserve any of this. I don't know what happened, but I feel like the old me again. I hate it. I hate me.

When you read about depression you see that we do oscillate between feeling OK or good, and our old ways of thinking. This has shown me that I can have influence, but not control. When I read Star (JonsDragonEyes) post called DON'T You Dare Ever Give Up you can see the means of influence. I recognize I cannot cure myself, but after 58 years I know that

I am not suicidal, but I do want to die.

Is a great start.

If you commit suicide, that is the punctuation mark that people remember, If you don't then your memory will live with the people who knew you. I have seen the after effects of letting go, and they simply send the pain you are feeling onto the people who remain. Staying with us gives them a better chance.

[specter]

I feel this way almost every single day. Only ... now it's, that I want to die, and that I am also often suicidal too. It changed a bit.

I'm sorry you feel like that, Xarvon. It's a pretty helpless state. When I feel like that, it lasts for a long time, and then it wans, but when it comes back, it gets worse, and that's when I have ideations. You're not alone.

The sad logic in my mind is that there is no possible way so many people in my life have been wrong about me. By that, I mean, there were people who saw what I didn't want to admit to myself. Those people were not kind in sharing it with me. All of the negative aspects of myself are so overwhelming that I find no meaning in anything potentially "good". I've come to hate the "good", just as much as I've come to hate the "bad". So to speak. It all turned into an insurmountable degree of self-hatred that I decided to stop fighting it and just hate myself. If people who are better than me in so many ways look down their nose at me, tell me that I am "beneath them", and tell me that they "do not have a high opinion of me", then there really must be something wrong, here. There is no possible way that so many people can have similarly negative views of who I am and what I am and all of them simply say those things to make themselves feel better about themselves. ... I use to tell myself that -- that they would say those things because they didn't like themselves -- but no, these people have a pretty big opinion of themselves. They're fine in that department.

What I mean is that, if this were all coming from a handful of people, then I probably wouldn't see it as such a big deal. This has come from many different people, from all walks of life, spanning the majority of my 25 years. I even had adults talking to me like this when I was a child. It occurs to me that there's no way these people are making it up to feed their own egos. How could a large amount of people be the ones with the problem and there's nothing wrong with me? All this time, I have always been "the problem". And trying to be "positive" about it and talking it off, like I know a lot of people will attempt to do, is not going to help. It is what it is, even if I can't deal with it. I'm less than other people.

I realize none of that is helpful but I have said some of that same things you have said. In fact, I remember saying that for many years, off and on, since I was a little kid. I wonder how many other people said that kind of stuff as little kids too. And I meant it, by the way. Really miserable person.

*hugs*

[Xarvon1412]

Wow, that is pretty deep. Are you feeling better since you got this off of your chest? An emotional outpouring like that can sometimes be the first step. It is for me at least. I feel your pain, and for a lot of the same reasons that is why I'm here as well. Did you notice something recently that triggered the reimmergance of these feelings? I guess the trigger doesn't matter as much as finding a way out of that crushing hopelessness. Can you take a day or two off from life and get a change of scenery?

That feeling that you value the life that you created has to be a good thing at least. So many people, including myself, want to tear everything down in some kind of self destructive rage. The fact that you like who you've become might be a good start. What can you do to enhance the good to overcome the bad? I'm not a therapist in any way, but if you want someone to unload on I am available. I know for me it helps getting the thoughts out there in the open. They don't feel as scary then. Hang in there

@Seann To be honest? I do feel a little better. Not good, but better, and that's important. I agree that it's a good step to outpour like this, especially when someone is listening, even if they are just online. I really can't name anything in particular that would have triggered this. Honestly my life's been pretty good. College has been kind of stressful, but that's just been kind of an all the time thing, so maybe I just kind of broke? I don't know, in my opinion, I really don't think that there has been one thing to make me feel like this. I wish that I could do that, but between my social life, college, and work, I don't really get a whole lot of free time, especially not in terms of scenery. I wish I could just get away for a day or two, I really do. I've honestly been wanting to go on a trip away from people for a while now, but there just never seems to be a good time. Maybe with summer coming up I can find some time to get away. Maybe. I really do like who I am. That person deserves this. That person deserves to be happy. That person is an amazing guy who really tries his hardest to make a lot of people happy. I don't know about enhancing the good, I really don't. I honestly wouldn't even know where to start there. That sounds like something I could work on, something to make a goal out of. Thank you, I really appreciate that. And thank you for the offer of letting me unload on you, I crazy appreciate that, you've no idea.

[Xarvon1412]

I feel this way almost every single day. Only ... now it's, that I want to die, and that I am also often suicidal too. It changed a bit.

I'm sorry you feel like that, Xarvon. It's a pretty helpless state. When I feel like that, it lasts for a long time, and then it wans, but when it comes back, it gets worse, and that's when I have ideations. You're not alone.

The sad logic in my mind is that there is no possible way so many people in my life have been wrong about me. By that, I mean, there were people who saw what I didn't want to admit to myself. Those people were not kind in sharing it with me. All of the negative aspects of myself are so overwhelming that I find no meaning in anything potentially "good". I've come to hate the "good", just as much as I've come to hate the "bad". So to speak. It all turned into an insurmountable degree of self-hatred that I decided to stop fighting it and just hate myself. If people who are better than me in so many ways look down their nose at me, tell me that I am "beneath them", and tell me that they "do not have a high opinion of me", then there really must be something wrong, here. There is no possible way that so many people can have similarly negative views of who I am and what I am and all of them simply say those things to make themselves feel better about themselves. ... I use to tell myself that -- that they would say those things because they didn't like themselves -- but no, these people have a pretty big opinion of themselves. They're fine in that department.

What I mean is that, if this were all coming from a handful of people, then I probably wouldn't see it as such a big deal. This has come from many different people, from all walks of life, spanning the majority of my 25 years. I even had adults talking to me like this when I was a child. It occurs to me that there's no way these people are making it up to feed their own egos. How could a large amount of people be the ones with the problem and there's nothing wrong with me? All this time, I have always been "the problem". And trying to be "positive" about it and talking it off, like I know a lot of people will attempt to do, is not going to help. It is what it is, even if I can't deal with it. I'm less than other people.

I realize none of that is helpful but I have said some of that same things you have said. In fact, I remember saying that for many years, off and on, since I was a little kid. I wonder how many other people said that kind of stuff as little kids too. And I meant it, by the way. Really miserable person.

*hugs*

I'm deeply sorry friend. However, I want, no, I need you to understand something for me. Nobody on this planet is perfect. Not a single person. So, when you tell me that people say that you have things wrong with you, all I hear is those people telling you that they lack so much empathy, that they can't take a step back and put themselves in your shoes. All I hear is that there is a beautiful person, who is being told lies, who is being told that they're not good enough. I want you to look back at your life. Have you made someone smile? Have you made some laugh? Have you ever done something just to see someone happy? Then you already have more empathy than they ever will in their entire lives. Yes, we all have problems, but are they going to destroy us? No. They are going to be in our way until we try for so long that we get strong enough to get around them. Then guess what? Next time you come across the obstacle, you're already going to know what to do. You are good. You are amazing. You are beautiful. I believe it, and so do many others I'm sure. You deserve happiness. I'm deeply sorry that you are going through this, but you are not alone. I promise you.

[captainklepto]

That's heavy. I can feel the weight of it and I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish I could think of the right words to say to help you move along, but I don't know if I could put it all together to do it justice. You are obviously, loved and cared for; you have a good life and much going for you. Challenge yourself to find one good thing that happened in the day. See a something that you did that was positive. See how you add value and worth to those around you, even in the smallest of ways. Sometimes all it takes is a shift in our perspective to help lift up our spirits.

[powerisperfectedinweaknes]

Please know that the way that you feel in not uncommon. Anyone who has ever faced depression, the true depths of depression, knows how it feels to want to cease to exist or at best to run away. You claim that you don’t want to kill yourself but you want to die. This statement alone shows just how depressed you really are. You express in your post that you don’t want to become that person you were when you were suicidal and helplessly depressed, that is understandable. However, the path that you are headed down now without reaching out for some kind of professional help may lead you back down the path to that person. My advice would be to seek help be it through a medical doctor or a counselor to help ease you out of this depression that you are sinking back into before you hit rock bottom again. You also claim to have a very strong support system from your family and girlfriend. Please don't be afraid to reach out to those who love you the most. You will not disappoint or hurt them. That is exactly what people such as that are placed in your life for, to support and love - even in hard times.



Please, I strongly encourage you to reach out to someone in your life (be it family, girlfriend, doctor, or counselor) and discuss the feeling that you are having. If you need direction on counseling advice I can help you get connected with someone who can help you just let me know.

[specter]

I'm deeply sorry friend. However, I want, no, I need you to understand something for me. Nobody on this planet is perfect. Not a single person. So, when you tell me that people say that you have things wrong with you, all I hear is those people telling you that they lack so much empathy, that they can't take a step back and put themselves in your shoes. All I hear is that there is a beautiful person, who is being told lies, who is being told that they're not good enough. I want you to look back at your life. Have you made someone smile? Have you made some laugh? Have you ever done something just to see someone happy? Then you already have more empathy than they ever will in their entire lives. Yes, we all have problems, but are they going to destroy us? No. They are going to be in our way until we try for so long that we get strong enough to get around them. Then guess what? Next time you come across the obstacle, you're already going to know what to do. You are good. You are amazing. You are beautiful. I believe it, and so do many others I'm sure. You deserve happiness. I'm deeply sorry that you are going through this, but you are not alone. I promise you.

This is a very sweet post. Thank you.

It's neat that you're from Utah. Never been there myself, but the scenery in photos is gorgeous. Overwhelmingly beautiful. It's very from where I live, but I have been tempted to visit that state one day.

I used to have lucid dreams as a child about laying atop the mountains in the Southwest U.S. Miss those dreams.