Feeling Unlovable

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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specter
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Feeling Unlovable

Postby specter » Mon Jan 18, 2016 2:49 pm

The feeling of being unloved is the main cause for my depression (I stated that elsewhere on the forum). While I hope that no one else has to experience this, I'm sure I'm not the only one. I don't know how to handle it. I'm fairly sure it terrifies me, but at the same time, it causes me to feel too depressed to take the full brunt of the terror. The lack of love to the human brain, which has a sort of intuitive intelligence of it's own, it seems, represents death. The brain, somehow, realizes that a lack of love is a lack of life. Nurture is a necessity for a born human being to grow, and without it, they cannot survive.

Even as an adult -- really, I can only speak for myself, but my opinion is that this applies to most other people -- the brain understands and registers this same need for love. Do we really die without it? Do we really understand the importance of love, how to give it properly, and it's impact on health, as a human species? It's possible, to me, at least, that it's a powerful expression of emotion that human beings are either programmed to keep or discard as they age. The expression of emotions has a strong impact on people, and this can be seen whenever someone gets into an argument and has negative physical responses, verses someone who is hugging another person, who happens to have positive physical responses.

Love is powerful. Does anyone realize how essential and powerful it is?

How do you live without it if
    1. you don't know how to give and receive love in a healthy, genuine way,
    2. and you don't know how to keep anyone in your life who loves you because you don't know how to reciprocate genuine expressions of love?


Self-love is hard. It's especially hard for a survivor of various forms of childhood abuse. There is no guarantee, for me, that I can hold onto the idea of being lovable, so the idea of self-love is fleeting. It comes and it goes, for me; the idea of it doesn't stay. It wouldn't matter how much I worked on loving myself because the ever-present doubt of me being lovable would be in the back of my mind all the time. It waits until I think I am lovable and then it comes out and attacks that idea and makes me hold the belief that I am not lovable.

People are important in our outside environment. This is why places like psychiatric hospitals really push the concept of contacting family members and friends for something they like to call a "Safety Plan". Not everyone has friends and family members in their lives who are good enough to be on someone's "Safety Plan". It was a matter of coming to this realization, for me, that not having those types of people in my life for this so-called "Safety Plan" that it was the very reason I ended up in the psychiatric hospital in the first place. The fact that no one else but me could see that was sad.

virtualhope
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Postby virtualhope » Mon Jan 18, 2016 7:22 pm

I am so sorry for the hurt and rejection you have suffered in the past and still are. Yes, it is very true that feeling both unloved and unlovable are extremely painful consequences of former childhood abuse.

You mention not having a support system and I agree that this is probably the most important resource one can have to help them get through life.
It seems like it might be easy for you to engage in conversation and that others would be comfortable sharing with you. Would it be possible for you to join a local support group and make friends with whom you have some things, either experiences or hobbies, in common? Although this is a great place to meet new people, sometimes being in the physical presence of others can be really helpful during especially difficult moments.

If you can, I strongly encourage you to consider what available support group options are in the area where you live. Some great friendships have formed this way and have lasted for a lifetime. It is here that many people often learn how to give and receive love, which can be totally life-changing.

I don’t know what your religious beliefs are, but I believe in a God who can change any situation and that nothing is impossible for Him. I encourage you to stay strong. While things may look bleak now, I believe that things will get better for you. Hold onto hope. I’ll be praying for you.

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specter
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Trying to Relate

Postby specter » Mon Jan 18, 2016 7:52 pm

Have you had difficulties with self-love because of mental illness? If so, what was that like for you? Feel free to post about it, if you are comfortable. That's ultimately why I made this thread.

It's a sad reality that there are particular places with a low concentration of people who are compassionate or understanding. I'm not confident that this is the best US state to attempt to reach out for social support. One day, it's possible that I will move to a new location where there could be a high concentration of people with those two traits. In this period in my life, based on trail and error, I'm afraid I have to answer your question with a "no". The Internet is my only outlet. I'll take it.

Where I currently live, I have a very limited amount of resources for people with disabilities. I am only able to take an insurance-based form of transportation to see a therapist and a nurse practitioner (who takes the place of a doctor, which I much prefer), and I can only afford to take a taxi ride through town because of the price. I get a limited amount of funds per month, so I have to be smart about my spending. There are a lot of limits in my situation and I do my best to make due.

If anything, pray for me to move to a new state one day. That would help me out the most.

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specter
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I'm good.

Postby specter » Mon Jan 25, 2016 10:47 pm

I'm not really interested in support groups. I'm only interested in posting about personal experiences on an online forum. ... It is, after all, one of the few outlets that I have ... where I don't have to be worried about scathing criticism from people who lack understanding and compassion.

Sorry, but I'm just not convinced that Ohio is the type of place where I can actually find empathetic listeners. Remember, I grew up here. This is my home state. Sadly, I have been embarrassed and shamed out of sharing the tiniest shred of vulnerability with people in this state, over all. It hurts worse than I can put into words. ... And that's what it takes to truly get help: the willingness to be vulnerable.

Aside from seeing a therapist, posting in an online chat room, plus a forum, I'm good.

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specter
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Sharing feelings?

Postby specter » Mon Jan 25, 2016 11:10 pm

Is anyone else willing to open up and share feelings in regards to this post?

Anyone else have experiences with feeling unlovable?

nenkohai2
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Postby nenkohai2 » Tue Jan 26, 2016 12:21 pm

Specter

There've been times when I felt unloved and unlovable. It took me years to find out why I tended towards that awful feeling. Maybe this will mean something to you:

In trying to treat others the way I wanted to be treated (The Golden Rule in the Christian tradition... but also found in all others), I got pissed/upset when others did not treat me in a way I WANTED to be treated. I mean, they had this example of MY attitude towards them, so, if they didn't respond in kind, they must not like me. In fact, I got so hung-up on external approval, that if someone explicitly disapproved of me in some way, I was devastated... often for days and weeks. This problem cropped up in my marriage even!

I started to work on this issue. And still am. But, I feel much less "damaged." Do I love myself? There are times. And it's becoming more frequent.

On re-reading all that, maybe its all of NO help to you.... I say this - take what works, leave everything else.

All Best to you

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specter
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Painful Cycles Start at Home

Postby specter » Tue Jan 26, 2016 5:16 pm

Yes, internal approval is "where it's at". : ) Really is a good thing to work towards.

... Deal is ... it's a very difficult task. There is no denying that we are born into a world that ends up molding the personalities that we are meant to have. This is why it's so hard. This is what causes rejection to be painful. Love is a need, not a want. We understand this, instinctively, even as babies, so even infants and children often go out of their way to do whatever it takes -- even emotionally neglecting themselves -- to make sure that no one else will ever do that to them. Sadly, that's what ends up causing the painful cycle of emotional neglect and rejection to be ongoing later on in that person's life. : ( This stuff starts at home. It all does.

I think the best way ... and perhaps not a perfect way ... to help rekindle feelings of self-acceptance and self-love are to try to "link up" with the "light" and positivity that (sort of?) existed in us as children. ... Before the painful event of having to reject our inner-child took place, trying to find that shred of light ... can sometimes help. It helps for some people. For me, and for people like me, it can be pure agony. It almost always ends up reminding me of physical and s-x-l abuse. ... Incredibly ugly things.

Knowing how to love myself and to not lose that sense of self-love is a necessity in my life right now.

*hugs* Thanks for your post.

100footpole
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Postby 100footpole » Wed Jan 27, 2016 1:02 pm

Nenkohai writes:

Do I love myself? There are times. And it's becoming more frequent.


Spectre answers:

This is what causes rejection to be painful. Love is a need, not a want.

....
I think the best way ... and perhaps not a perfect way ... to help rekindle feelings of self-acceptance and self-love are to try to "link up" with the "light" and positivity that (sort of?) existed in us as children.


I think we can cause ourselves a lot of grief because of our need for love. There are people who we love who are not good for us ... or worse who come attached to people we love, decrementing their value to us. This is the classic "bachelor paradox" where a married man has less and less in common with his bachelor friends.

The important part, for me, of Nenkohai's answer is the idea that each of us has an concept of what is best for ourselves. We need to accept ourselves when we do things that are right for ourselves. I think that is what Spectre is getting at. I have lot's of memories about being asked "Why did you ...?" and getting punished. The answer for "Why" was because I didn't think. Those memories became traumas instead of teaching moments. As adults, we need to trust ourselves to NOT think sometimes ... and like kids to adapt and share when one of our friends wants to do something different than us.

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specter
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Taught to Believe

Postby specter » Wed Jan 27, 2016 3:27 pm

I'm sincerely not trying to offend anyone, but I type it "specter" because of it's meaning, being "ghost". The name "Spectre" has to do with some Pop movie ... that I'm not interested it and I am not trying to emulate. I do not type this to offend anyone. It seems to confuse people, so I make sure I put it on here so people know what I'm talking about. I got a lot of comments (and still do) in the chat rooms about the name "Spectre", which is different from the word "specter". Again, sorry if I offend anyone.

We need to accept ourselves when we do things that are right for ourselves.


We always need to accept ourselves. We need to accept everything about ourselves. It is unloving to reject any part of yourself, any time you decide -- or, rather, have been taught to be convinced -- that you did something "wrong". ... Maybe, when we do something we are taught to believe is wrong, we should see it only as a learning experience, congratulate ourselves on learning, and choose to accept the entire experience, ourselves, and everything about ourselves? Not doing that will only serve to hurt us. Any painful feelings we will have later on down the road will be a reflection of any parts of ourselves that we have rejected because we were convinced and made to believe that we were somehow inferior based on a "right" or a "wrong".

We all have thoughts. Even kids have thoughts, but they are mostly impulsive, and therefore subconscious. Our subconscious thoughts are far more powerful than our conscious thoughts. ... Most people would be surprised. ... Kids follow their impulses because they haven't (yet) been taught to totally suppress their emotions for the sake of self-control.

Socialization at it's finest.

100footpole
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Postby 100footpole » Fri Jan 29, 2016 10:25 am

Kids follow their impulses because they haven't (yet) been taught to totally suppress their emotions for the sake of self-control.


I love how your post differentiates between Spectre: I think that is the evil organization that is always threatening James Bond, and Specter: A spirit whose intentions we can never judge. I think the best example of that is the movie "The Sixth Sense" ... that ends with the boy reframing the specters around him. The part that the director didn't make clear was how few of the specters the boy could really help ... What could the boy do for the people who were unfairly hung in the courthouse?

I think we are talking about two sides of the same coin Specter. You'll know what I mean when you read my other post about patience, serenity, and wisdom. :)

I really like what you have been adding to these forums. Please, if I seem offensive to you let me know how, and what you think I should have said differently. You are a very wise person.

nenkohai2
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Postby nenkohai2 » Fri Jan 29, 2016 12:05 pm

I think I can get specific about what happened in my marriage without it triggering me. I learned a lot about myself during the time.

At the time, our youngest was probably 3 years old (he's 20 now). I was working full time, and my wife was working very part time and mostly taking g care of the the two children. Being a sensitive guy, I recognized the work she was putting in on behalf of the family... that it takes a toll physically, emotionally... all that. So, when she didn't want to be intimate, I respected that. But the lack of any intimacy went on for about 6 months and I began to feel like a piece of shite... for even asking when she does so much work; and for being rejected. At some point in there, I started to ask her if there was something about me that she found unattractive if even if she was falling out of love with me.

She seemed genuinely bewildered by the questions and my concerns. Years and years later, we figured out that my wife expresses love by doing things for others, while I express it physically (I know.... sterotypical, ain't it?). The pain I felt then echoed down through time, even to the point where I had a full-blown affair with another woman.

After that (the affair) EVERYTHING changed. She understood how much pain I had been in and how she was conforming to what she thought was the correct way to be a wife. We got counseling. We both got individual therapy.

As my body chemistry changes as I get older, my sex drive is dropping. Believe it or not, that is something I prayed for 20 years ago. But there is still the occasion when we mutually miss each other's boat, as it were. I suppose I don't feel unloved any more. But I can tell you that the quality of the love has changed and I'm not so sure I like it. But, I am glad for what I do have.

100footpole
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Postby 100footpole » Sat Jan 30, 2016 12:10 pm

Bad conclusions are the basis for depression.

The fact that you and your wife worked things out is a positive lesson for all of us.

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specter
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Postby specter » Sun Jan 31, 2016 4:44 pm

100footpole wrote:
Kids follow their impulses because they haven't (yet) been taught to totally suppress their emotions for the sake of self-control.


I love how your post differentiates between Spectre: I think that is the evil organization that is always threatening James Bond, and Specter: A spirit whose intentions we can never judge. I think the best example of that is the movie "The Sixth Sense" ... that ends with the boy reframing the specters around him. The part that the director didn't make clear was how few of the specters the boy could really help ... What could the boy do for the people who were unfairly hung in the courthouse?

I think we are talking about two sides of the same coin Specter. You'll know what I mean when you read my other post about patience, serenity, and wisdom. :)

I really like what you have been adding to these forums. Please, if I seem offensive to you let me know how, and what you think I should have said differently. You are a very wise person.


I think it's only that our perspectives differ, but there is a common thread that links them together. Admittedly, I am a hypersensitive person with a fragile ego. Can't sugarcoat that no matter how hard I try. I choose my words carefully, but behind the screen, I take what other people say to heart. Not sure how apparent it is to others online.

And thank you for that compliment. I'm very insecure in that area. It (usually) can brighten up my day when someone tells me that. I want people to see what I say as having depth and being meaningful. My ego desires to be the thoughtful, pensive, insightful one. ... I'm either hard on myself about it and I don't accept it, or I am good to myself and allow myself to believe I'm good enough. Different day, different response.

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viuuiuvy
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Re: Sharing feelings?

Postby viuuiuvy » Wed Jun 15, 2016 4:51 pm

specter wrote:Is anyone else willing to open up and share feelings in regards to this post?

Anyone else have experiences with feeling unlovable?


Out where I live there isn't much of anything really....it's a very small town & there aren't many people living here. The town used to get on my nerves although nowdays I'm used to whatever comes my way...lots of suspicious activity & living out in the ghetto is what I'm used to. For some, there are problems: although for me, I mind my own business & don't want anymore friendships. At the age of 28 I find myself worn out from the younger days where I had my fair share of fun & I don't listen to the city out here.

Just ignore the town & keep yourself situated. Things work out better in the long run if you keep to yourself.

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viuuiuvy
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Re:

Postby viuuiuvy » Wed Jun 15, 2016 7:31 pm

100footpole wrote:Bad conclusions are the basis for depression.

The fact that you and your wife worked things out is a positive lesson for all of us.



Bad conclusions are the reason why depression escalates into the "I can't stand it anymore" world. Having a healthy life currently helps my relationships with others, although as I grow older the relationships with those who seem to go into drunken stupors of mania stop growing. I've had good conclusions with ending relationships & they were all based on a decision to better my health. If you want a good conclusion to a relationship that is ending, make sure that you aren't under the influence.


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