Ranting like a child

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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poetrychild
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2015 2:49 pm

Ranting like a child

Postby poetrychild » Mon Sep 28, 2015 3:39 pm

I dislike it when people compare depression and anxiety to say cancer or some other physical illness. People can see that disease; or the effects of treatment. I have been off and on depression meds since I was 7. I am now 27 still playing lab rat. There might not be a medication that after 8 months or so does not make me freak out. Last year the amazing panic attacks returned. My family thinks I am crazy; my husband tries to understand but he really does not. I wake up every morning with a happy tape in my head saying I choose to be happy. I struggle throughout the day to not have that tape change to I am in hell. Because I have seen hell and my current place in life is not hell. I have a million things to be grateful for. I am thankful. I just can not control my brain chemistry and all the judging people who tell me I have no right to be sad because other people have it so much worse make me want to freak out even more. I try so hard to be controlled and stay fake happy. I feel so much anxiety that I want to explode; physically. I have tremors and high blood pressure and am on the verge of tears always and it is horrible. My last fun time with an antidepressant ended with me not eating; drinking a bunch; and taking the whole bottle. Very bad choice on my part. I can say all day long the pills made me do it; but it does not matter.
I had a great job that I loved for 5 years; I loved it. It was all the personal fullfilment all the time. I got to work with at risk youth. I was so happy to go to work and when I was laid off from lack of funding; I became a volunteer and worked stupid jobs so I could. Then I got hired back; then we lost all the funding. No one I talked to understood. I could not just leave the kids. I did in the end because the program ceased to exist. But it smashed my heart into a million pieces. Everyone is all like you have a child focus on him. I love my son. But I wanted to make a difference in the lives of youth who did not have parents that loved them. I did. Now I can't; now I get to work some lame unimportant meaningless crap that will eat my soul. Everybody says go back to school. Social work is not a high paying profession and the economy sucks. Where I live is beautiful but the people hate the poor and I do not wish to work as a CNA anymore because I do not want to watch old people die. So that leaves fast food or retail which I have never worked. All my job history is with the helping professions. See look at this 1st world problem crap. I live in a house I can not afford; own animals that make apartment living impossible. The idea of parting with my dog almost kills me with a physical pain. I will not ever apply for disability because for me that is giving up. I watched my mom who had major depression lay in bed and progressively get more and more ill because she would not make a change to get better. I try everyday to be healthy to learn new tools for my tool box. I totally understand how you think impacts how you feel which impacts how you act. After 20 years of medication and therapy I know lots. I think you should always learn and grow and change and never become stagnant in who you are. I do not want to need medication to function. I do not want to have a label. I do not want my friends to call me and worry that at any moment I am going to snap. See there it is again; first world problem; people care about *sad face*- I do not want to be a burden to anyone. I am unemployed which make me feel like a piece of garbage because my identity was highly incorporated with my profession. I have some interviews with some crappy companies. I have found that ageism is alive and well. Me with my white privilege; I do not have to worry about racism. But I get to have employers look at me and say well young people do not have good work ethics so clearly you are lying if you claim to have any variety of drive or pride in yourself. I am one of those silly people that thinks gosh if I am nice; nice things will occur. If I project love and kindness into the world; love and kindness will come back to me. That is not reality. My best friend says to me often; that the childhood I had should have created an addict or someone other than me. I want so badly to find some addiction to have and say it is not me; it is my addiction. I want to stop being accountable and responsible. I want to be weak and lay on the floor and cry that I can not move because everything hurts. But nope I can not do that. I get to strong and go pick up my kid from school and help with homework and make dinner and help everyone but myself. I can have all the healthy self talk and combat all the negative self talk. I can take a Xanax and calm down. I can stuff my feelings to function. I can write all the beautiful poetry and paint some pictures. I can pet my dog and harvest my garden. I can be productive and strong and beautiful. Because I choose to be these things. I choose to be weak and cry and whine and then I choose to play adult like a good citizen.There is not enough paper in the world to write out my sad thoughts. I can write until the feeling is less intense and I can put it back in the box; to take out another day. Look at it; feel it; hate it. Back in the box because if I felt everything all the time I really would go insane and be of no use to anyone. I have to control how I handle my emotions or I will not be in control and that is not okay. I think that is why I dislike antidepressants so much. I do not know if I feel something because of me or a drug. I had genetic testing done to see what drug would work best for me and I will follow its advice. But as much as I know; I may need medication to be "normal" I want to do it by myself and hate myself for not being able to. What a vicious cycle.

Oneday
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2015 12:22 pm

Postby Oneday » Sat Oct 03, 2015 12:29 pm

I'm new to the forum, and this is yours is the first post I read. I was so touched by your story. I have many of the same issues, feeling sad so much of the time. I've been on antidepressants for years, and continue to do therapy. Because I'm also responsible, it's hard for me to think about just giving up, but there are so many days I want to. It helps a lot to know that I'm not the only one going through what feels so painful most days. Thanks so much for sharing.

poetrychild
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2015 2:49 pm

Postby poetrychild » Sat Oct 03, 2015 2:41 pm

Thank you so much for replying to my post. I was worried people would read it and think poorly of me.

Oneday
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2015 12:22 pm

Postby Oneday » Sun Oct 04, 2015 11:34 am

I think the forum is here so that we can feel safe in sharing how we really feel, no judgements.

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viuuiuvy
Posts: 24
Joined: Wed Jun 15, 2016 2:29 pm
Location: Pontoon Beach, Illinois

Re: Ranting like a child

Postby viuuiuvy » Fri Jun 17, 2016 11:14 am

All in all there can be hope in difficult times. Use what is best for you & listen to the clear signs of hope. For feeling so down is not something one wants to feel.....and being so alive is something one should cherish for a lifetime. Listen to your inner self & wisdom so life becomes more comforting.

Sorry about your situation.

Hope things work out for the better...

Take care

:)


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