I feel empty.

[confused]

This is new to me and I don't know quite what to write but I do know that I need to express how I'm feeling and that I need some help.

Depression is new to me this year, I guess it started to creep in about January but I didn't know it at the time. I still haven't actually been diagnosed. I had a really bad period where I couldn't get out of bed and I managed to snap out of it long enough to see a councilor. He said that I wasn't depressed but the problem was that it was only afterwards that I realised that I hadn't really told him what was going on. I only told him what I wanted to be the truth and not what was actually the truth. I have a very hard time opening up to people. I just don't think I'm worth anyone's time or energy.

I have had problems eating for the last 7 months or so. I just can't be bothered some days and I don't feel like it. I'm not hungry. I've also had problems sleeping for the longest time. I used to have crying spells but now I just feel empty and numb. I'm sitting here writing this without any emotion, it's like I'm talking about someone else.

I find it so hard to talk to people about this because I don't want to sound pathetic. I don't like myself so why should anyone else care? I've been reading posts here for a while but I wanted to write something because it feels safe here.

I'm sorry. I seem to say that a lot.

[SoulInDespair]

Dear Confused

What it sounds like you're experiencing is depression. Despite what the doctor said. He/she can only make a diagnosis based upon the info you give at the time. Eating and sleeping problems are key symtoms to depression. I have both of these. Except, I over-eat to cover the pain and stress.

I know how you feel. I often feel empty too. Totally numb and dead inside. That's just a sheild you put around yourself to protect yourself from further harm. At least, that's the way it is for me. At first, I wasn't aware either that I was depressed. My depression started at a young age of 14, maybe even before that but I didn't know what it was called. I just felt blue all the time and wanted to hide away from my family and world.

I find it hard to talk sometimes too. It's painful and exhausting to express your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it seems like to much work so you keep it all bottled up inside. That's not healthy. You need someone you can trust to share this burden with. Coming here was a good start. I thought people would find me pathetic too if they knew how I felt. You're not pathetic. Remember that.

I understand about not liking yourself, that's another thing you and I have in common. But if you don't like yourself that will reflect on the outside. If you want people to like you, the first step is to like yourself. I know it's hard, it's hard for me too but it's the truth.

Take care

[julie]

I so understand what you are feeling. I felt have felt like that so many times too. In fact, i would it have written every single word you wrote, is like am reading a part of my dairy.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I did something very similar when I saw my doctor. I told her enough to be diagnosed as depressed, but held a lot back, perhaps because I'm a man, and " real men " don't talk about their feelings do they? Also, I find it very hard to talk about my feelings, although I've had to learn to do so to recover, but it still feels like trying to speak a foreign language.
However, my depression and anxiety got severely worse. So worse in fact, that I realised that I wouldn't be able to survive if I didn't get help.
So, I went back to my doctor and told her exactly what I was thinking and feeling, and she was really helpful. I got a lot of help as a result, I was fast-tracked to see a psychiatrist, referred to a specialist therapy unit at my local hospital, allocated a support worker to help me recover, and given a lot of helpful advice.
Now I won't even pretend to have all the answers, in fact, it's only recently that I'm starting to ask the right questions. So, these are just a few thoughts.......
First of all, you are worth helping!!!! You are no less valuable than anyone else. The Jewish people have a very wise saying, " Whosoever saves a single life, it is as if they had saved the world entire. " You are no less worthy, valuable, or important than anyone else on the planet.
Also, might I suggest that you might consider revisiting a doctor, counselor, or someone else, ( I don't know how the US health service is organised. ) and explaining exactly how you feel, without holding anything back. I found this so difficult. However, even the very best doctor can only work on the information that they have. If I hadn't told my doctor everything that I finally did I don't like to think where I would be now.
Good Luck!
( Sorry this post is so long. I'm Welsh, and we just don't do brevity! )

[Mich]

First of all, you are worth it. You are worth receiving help and compassion from others. You do not have to suffer alone. I would love you to make an appt with your doctor and possibly even take this post in with you for him/her to read. You are having a very rough time but things can get better if you reach out for help. You don't sound pathetic at all and I am so glad you were able to share this with us. Would you consider reaching out for help?