120 days of nothingness

[genie]

i have been here before, at this forum
i have been here before, i've done the chat
i wished i shouldn't be here, but yet im not able to
i'm having an episode today... and i dont want someone creepy from the chat
i just want someone decent to take me to these days
the days of nothingness that's ahead of me
i watched TED talks mainly of topics on success, failure, depression... motivation
it just make me more sad

i have no control of these days... i feel so helpless, i cant do anything i want
i hate verything
i hate myself mostly
the [people who are supposed to help me are being counter productive
i just tend to hate them more
i miss my shrink
but i cant see her anymore

im really desperate
yesterday i typed in my google search
what to do when bored... and what to do when extremely bored
no broedom isnt really my problem... but i was hoping to find something else out there

today is a pitty party... and all my negatives are having a blast (they might even have a pool)
i cannot face the following days know i cant do anything about it
now im paralyse
i cant sketch no more without feeling like a failure
evrything is about FEELING
i hate
ihate
i hate
i just hate

im lousy feeling so lousy... if its my life why cant i end it?

im just staring at the monitor now

... i cant talk to them anymore
ive attempted to talk to them
i followed my shrinks advice
im proud of that
i feel so vulnerable now
talking does no good

they asked if i had dinner
lunch
do i want to go to the grocery
do i want to go get my niece
they act like this doesnt exists
when i like to talk
about is my life and piecing it back
they ask me if i had lunch
what should we have for dinner

these yellow emoticons dont have any use
i might even hate yellow

you know that movie
its called the neverending story
its one of my favorites
well, anyway in the story the first one
their fantasia is being consumed by the nothingness
because no one believes in stories aymore
it fits me
im being eaten by the nothingness

i just hate
i hate

im messd up
im living inside my head
i cant sketch anymore!
that angers me the most
when i pick up my pencil
i just cant draw
... i just look at them
my skecthbook
my sewing book
my colorpens
they are jsut there
i feel so tired
i feel paralysed
i cant do anything

[kshaw2606]

Im a strong believer in talking (even tho o rarely do it) as it relieves some of what is in your mind. If I sit here alone my mind goes into places it shouldnt and thats why I joined this site. Hopefully talking to other people who feel the same as you will make me feel 'normal' if u ever do want to talk then feel free to message me x

[emily67]

it's a horrible feeling.

i can safely say that the whole of last year was wasted. (the whole of it)

also the year before, and the year before that, etc. i can't remember the last time something good happened in my life.

the sad thing is, that i've given up caring- or maybe sadder still, is that i don't have dreams and goals

it's a hard feeling to live with- especially when everyone around you seems to be living their life to the fullest and enjoying themselves in the process

[genie]

My main problem is solved.


It kinda sounds impossible but it is… by the time I was writing here, I was really in trouble (I had that moment where if I didn’t do anything I felt that I was really going to lose it. By losing it I don’t mean im going to go insane but that I’m killing something else that last spark of hope or whatever it is that is still in me to really die). I was terrified and crying inside, my soul itself was dying and it was my last chance – I felt and knew it.


I made my decision then to just let go and talk to my mother… she, I felt was my real downpoint. I talked to here. It wasn’t smooth but I wasn’t crying while we were talking. She was the one crying… I have hurt her I think… I see her tears- but I didn’t feel that I was hurting her. If your still reading this… let me just say, I let go. I just spoke whatever was in my mind, I totally freed myself. And the cure came from when she said …she was sorry. I kinda feel she still doesn’t understand me but I believe her apology was true and I felt saved. It wasn’t all too emotional for me like I think it would have but I sensed that whatever I had had finally had its cure. That night I haven’t had any anxiety induced dreams … my dreams were all positive. And that morning… my usual lose of appetite was replaced by real hunger. I was eating… I haven’t check this forum since then but I feel I need to write this.


I have things to do to make me like really go back to a shitless life… for example, I’m still unemployed, i still have insecurities, I still have worries, because I need to start all over again, but… you know, I feel secure. I have a sense of self … it isn’t that too complete hopeful life again but its that I have a sense of where my feet are. I am here… I no longer feel helpless. I don’t feel very hopeful but I am on way to that because I do not feel helpless. I have redeemed myself a bit.
I am able to laugh (for the past 2 days), I do not feel bitter… that’s a very big thing for me.


Facing my stressor, dealing with it, and just not caring about what it would do to my parents in this instance (not caring about them but just letting it all out, because I care about me) was how I made myself me again.


i have a use for the emoticon i'm going to do something again with my life... i just know it. thanks all!

[emily67]

My main problem is solved.


It kinda sounds impossible but it is… by the time I was writing here, I was really in trouble (I had that moment where if I didn’t do anything I felt that I was really going to lose it. By losing it I don’t mean im going to go insane but that I’m killing something else that last spark of hope or whatever it is that is still in me to really die). I was terrified and crying inside, my soul itself was dying and it was my last chance – I felt and knew it.


I made my decision then to just let go and talk to my mother… she, I felt was my real downpoint. I talked to here. It wasn’t smooth but I wasn’t crying while we were talking. She was the one crying… I have hurt her I think… I see her tears- but I didn’t feel that I was hurting her. If your still reading this… let me just say, I let go. I just spoke whatever was in my mind, I totally freed myself. And the cure came from when she said …she was sorry. I kinda feel she still doesn’t understand me but I believe her apology was true and I felt saved. It wasn’t all too emotional for me like I think it would have but I sensed that whatever I had had finally had its cure. That night I haven’t had any anxiety induced dreams … my dreams were all positive. And that morning… my usual lose of appetite was replaced by real hunger. I was eating… I haven’t check this forum since then but I feel I need to write this.


I have things to do to make me like really go back to a shitless life… for example, I’m still unemployed, i still have insecurities, I still have worries, because I need to start all over again, but… you know, I feel secure. I have a sense of self … it isn’t that too complete hopeful life again but its that I have a sense of where my feet are. I am here… I no longer feel helpless. I don’t feel very hopeful but I am on way to that because I do not feel helpless. I have redeemed myself a bit.
I am able to laugh (for the past 2 days), I do not feel bitter… that’s a very big thing for me.


Facing my stressor, dealing with it, and just not caring about what it would do to my parents in this instance (not caring about them but just letting it all out, because I care about me) was how I made myself me again.


i have a use for the emoticon i'm going to do something again with my life... i just know it. thanks all!

i'm glad you have your mother to talk to and you feel a little better.

we'll always be here if you need us