the saturday phone call (may trigger)

[ema]

i came home full of joy. i had a long weekend to spend with the fam. everyone was perked up we would go malling that afternoon. supposedly my mother and brother wont come with us. that was a downer i thought to myself since i really have abandonment issues with my mom (it felt like she wanted to be with her favorite son again) but i was still me... i wanted to be this and that, in 2 yrs time of hard work this will happen etc... i had a life to look forward to.

then at 10 am my other sister decided to do face time with our brother in the US... nothing new to that, he talked to them. i dreaded to be talked to. why? because my brother is a classic case of perfection wrapped in a bottle... he's a member of MENSA, a proj manager at a genetic research whatever in the states...he has a very nice job and 2 vibrant kids. i was the classic case of something promising. i was in the middle of a career change, i was broke. so when the usual niceties were talked about he asked a very awkward question: was i already a millionaire at my chosen profession? i answered jokingly as well... not yet i said. an hour later towards the van walking, sitting and then all of us there just viewing the rice paddies (i live in a tropical rice planting country) it struck an inexplicable something inside.... i was incapable of decent speech nor company for the rest of that day and the long weekend became hell.

fast forwarding ... 3 weeks from then, im now able to lable the thing that happened. he made me realize that its never going to end. the pain and anger, my issues with my family, no self help decent books ever straighten those out and i knew why. i am really mentally unstable... and there is no end here except that which nobody likes. im at the brink... i no longer care for them like i used to, the more days pass by i feel like im drifting ever so slightly away.

i've talked to my mom, before she left i gave a hint of what i planned to do... finished my studies(im taking a short course for my supposed new career) then nothing follows... she got it all right. but i guess since i was relatively normal to their eyes nobody will think that im gonna really do it but me.

i feel it, that doom... next year is my sisters wedding. im definite i wont be there. my search history is a parents nightmare... all the methods you name it... im preparing but at the same time i'm here because i think i still deserve to be saved. its all about the pain really, i imagined if its going to be forever, than PAIN -- i dont want any of it anymore.