new here... first post

[caveonamountain]

first time doing this... don't know how I feel about but I'm trying to head off an episode.
I've suffered from depression most of my adult life and I'm old.. that's as far I want to go there.
You get so tired of pretending, don't you?
and if you snap, people look at you... what's wrong with you?
as if you could explain... so you make an excuse and laugh it off.
For several weeks now, my personal black cloud has been hovering. I've done the usual things which usually make it go away but it's not working. It's retreating a bit but it's still there. I can feel it.... in the way the least little thing sets me off crying, in the way I have no empathy for anyone.
So you've got a problem.. big deal.... tell someone who cares.
And I want to throw things out which I know I'll regret later so I'm trying to head that one off.
My skin on my forearms is starting to twitch, my toes are moving constantly and the headaches are back (I clench my teeth).
Then I think.. why am I trying so hard to fight it off? why not give in to it and let it take its course?
of course, when I got back, I'd have to pick up the pieces of the things I've destroyed... and what if I .....jesus h christ.... my whole f****** life has been what if..what if...what if.
but I want to runaway... just me and my dog and a beach or someplace where I can walk and walk.. just him and me.
He loves me, you see. He doesn't care if I'm fat, and bad at my job.
That's the beauty of dogs, isn't it?
I'd like someone to love me for ME.. just me.
And even my dog doesn't really... he'll go to anyone who'll love him.
and I'm so sick of crying and being pathetic.
ok..things to be thankful for.... I'm sort of healthy... sort of... I don't have to worry about my next meal or where I'll be sleeping the next 10 yrs or so. I have a beautiful son who is handsome and a nice person. My daughter is also beautiful but doesn't seem to use the brains that god gave her. My husband doesn't drink to excess, smoke at all or gamble uncontrollably.
so why am I so depressed? aaahhhhh.... the million dollar question, eh?
I'm not reading this over.
This is a totally selfish post.

[JonsDragonEyes]

No it's not a selfish post. Your hurting and you need a place to vent. You need people that will listen. People with eyes that will see your pain. And you need to know that you aren't alone in this horrible hell that your going through.

We will see your pain here and I want to personally give you a very big welcome to these forums.

It's very nice to meet you caveonamountain. I hope you like it here.

I'm sorry your hurting so much. ( Hugs )