I would just like some words.

[LambBishop]

Well, see, I'm very young, and it is late at night and the is the first time I've cried in a long time.

I knew there was something wrong since a couple of years ago when I would have frequent and seemingly endless spells of apathy. My parents thought it was extreme laziness, that I did not shower or took no interest in school. For a while, I used that as the explanation. But a mentor of mine at my school has made me think a little more about the things I do, so I thought that I had some form of acute depression. Nothing too serious, maybe something that was linked to a menstrual cycle? It would be something I would grow out of.

It has been a few years and it has persisted. My mentor said something about your diet and the amount of exercise you get can affect your mood, so I made it a priority to start taking better care of myself. Even as I had problems doing basic necessities such as washing myself and sometimes eating, it's been three months and I am still working at it. I try to be around people, avoid things like lots of sugar and sweets that might affect my mood, make sure to get out of bed, take a multivitamin. But... I still got these moods. Once a week, I would become listless and stay in bed for two or three days in a row, or I grow irritable and want to be left alone. It's been like this since March.

I've been pushing to go see a psychologist for a while, because it has gotten to the point that it is hard for me to care about a lot of things. I still just figured 'depression' and that a change to my habits would one day rid me of these terrible temporary moods forever.

But as I was reading an article on these sorts of mood disorders, bipolar disorder was on there.

I am not one to believe in online mental health tests, and I was very skeptical at the results. High in bipolar disorder? How so? It led to a link of what bipolar disorder was. The flip flop of happy feeling with a response of depression. It startlingly sounded like something I was going through. Racing/newfound creativity, restlessness, high productivity, increased socializing... During the week I thought I was actually an elated person and it was the depression that came to plague me, this horrid sickness that rid me of the good moods I experienced nearly all the time when I wasn't lying helpless in bed sleeping for hours on end.

If that is the case, then when do I have feelings of my own? Is my extreme amount of confidence the product of these imbalances in hormones and not really anything that has to do with me?

I know with bipolar medication it can take a couple of years of trying new medications to find one that is right. Even after that, there is a chance you become tolerant of the medication. Constant monitoring is needed when switching, and frequent doctor's visits. Therapy is needed to be paired with the medication for the full effects. All of these medical bills I wouldn't be able to pay... The fact that I wouldn't ever really be able to live independently. I'm not sure I could do it.

My mother, my sweet poor mother who already deals with enough stress of her own, having to constantly check on me to make sure I don't do something drastic under the effects of chemicals. I cannot do that to her.

I don't know what to do. The only thing that was keeping me going is the fact that I could make an effort. I thought that only having the mood swings once a week meant that I was making a difference. That when I visited the doctor they could give me some form of help that would make these bad moods go away. I think bad thoughts during those moods, and when I come to my senses they scare me a lot. They make me lie in bed and sleep. They make my mother worry for me. My mother takes medication for her bad moods, and she deals with everything a lot better now.

But this? It could take me years to have a grip on myself, compared to what I thought before. I didn't even care that I would be forced to take pills for the rest of my life.

I'm so tired. So very, very tired. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can wait years. I'm not that strong of a person.