Letter to my mother (may trigger)

[PixieArmy]

I want to be angry at you, but you know, I cant. Cuz you never taught me how to be angry, you never let me be angry.

Every time I tried to tell you something upset me, you made it my fault, you made it about you. You blackmailed me, played the victim.

Ohh poor you, poor you single mom. Poor you that no one supported you, that worked your ass off, for what? place the blame on me, always did, did i asked for it? hell i didn't even asked you to put me on this world so what the hell. Now I'm the blame for you being unhappy, for you having a job you dont like, for you not pursuing your dream, for you not having a partner.

yersteday i was thinking about this girl, she was talking to her mom and her mom was asking her how she could be a better mom. girls spent quiet like 2 minutes, tears running through her eyes, and then she bursted out "how the hell should i know, i dont know what a mother is, i dont know how having a mother should feel like, i dont know how people get attached to their mothers, i just never had that". i remember feeling sorry for the girl, now i kind of envy her. cuz at least she had no expectations, no way to be deceived. i still have expectations, i still wish you loved me the way i need to be loved. just know it will never happen. doesn't mean i dont crave it.

dont get me wrong, i know you love me. in your own twisted way. but that doesn't cut it. what gets me the most, is that you probably pat your back, and say you have done a good job, that you have 0 ability to make a real reflection of what you've done. now you judge me, my choices, my adult life, have you ever thought how much of it reflects on you? sure i got an education, i have a masters degree, and that, you decide to take on, but what about my failures, my pain, my depression, have you ever wondered how much of it has to do with you?

lets take a little ride to the past. you caught me self harming first when i was 10 or 9. you ignored it, dang mother you are trained as family therapist!!!! that big was your negation instinct? Then, i remember you caught it again when i was bout 20, you told me, get help, now you are on your own…, you deal with it… wanted to shout at you WHEN THE HELL I HAVENT!!!!!! but i didn't, i cried and apologized. why? cuz if i dared to say a word, you would get into your victim mode, be sarcastic, cry, and make all ABOUT YOU AGAIN!!!!!! its always about you, you are always the victim. so why the hell say a word. I have no right to be angry, when poor you, have suffered so much.

Once you caught me talking with some friends. And you heard me telling them how i was about to kill myself several times some years before. remembered what happened? you started crying the day after, told me how i dared to say that. DANG!!!!!! not once, not once you asked me why. It was about you, about how bad i made you feel saying that.

want something more recent? when i was writing my thesis you knew i was taking antipsychotics and antidepressants, you knew i was going to a shrink… your conclusion, yeah you are stressed about writing your thesis (really, antipsychotics for stress DANG MOTHER, you have a mental health related title). what would you believe mother, if you knew, or were able to acknowledge, that i have a borderline personality, would you still be able to fool yourself and think it has nothing to do with you?

what happens now? you are mad, you say I'm pulling away from my family, that I'm getting lost in my internet world. you say that you miss me. what you miss mother? me sharing a space with you? cuz really, what more we share? what you know bout me? when i talk about what i do, you seem bored, you seem you cant wait for me to shut up. sharing, yeah, you miss me in YOUR life, you miss having a companion to watch TV with or go to the movies or groceries. cuz you in my life, you never been. you know shit about my friends, about my hobbies, about what makes me happy or sad. sharing…. yeah…. have you ever wondered, how many years I've missed you in my life? you dont care, its only you you care about. have you ever wondered, why i always pull away? what i find on the internet, or what i found on soccer, or leaving to play magic or religion? but i didn't answer. i won't answer, cuz that, you dont wanna hear. whats the point, ill cry, you will cry, and nothing will change. you will go to your brothers and your friends, and tell them how bad i am, and never ever think, what about you?

so, problem is, you convinced me. you convinced me to think it has nothing to do with you, its me. I'm the one thats screwed up, I'm the one thats being a failure to meet your expectations since day 1. I'm the one to blame, i am always the one to blame. so i feel so guilty when i even try to be angry at you, that the self harm urges come back, or the suicide ideation, or just the idea of disappearing from your life. but guess what, YEAH!!!! even that makes me feel guilty, cuz as i say, i know you love me, so i know you would be worried. so yeah, i lose, i always lose.

Im in love mother. and my biggest fear, is that I'm so screwed up i will never be able to have a healthy relationship. cuz i cant express anger in a healthy way. I cant say my partner i dont like something, or that i feel disappointed. cuz i get terrified. terrified that they will leave me, or blame me, or dismiss it. and then again, the SH urges, or just the overwhelming guilt, of feeling angry towards someone that loves me.

And this, this is another rant, you will never hear, you will never read. cuz I'm a coward, i will never be able to say this to you. nd cuz i love you, and i would never hurt you telling you the truth.

take care mother, love,

your daughter

[HeatherFeather]

Oh dear, you are not a coward. You are so brave even to put the words to paper!!!

I know your exact feelings of anger and guilt all tangled into one because my mother too is this woman! The lack of empathy and her inability to talk about something other than herself; and of course I do everything wrong too. —If you haven't heard of "Maternal Narcissism", please look into it. It explains the precise things you mention.

Thank you for taking the time to write this. It reaffirms that I am not alone in this fight of depression, anxiety, and growing up without a "real" mother. <3

[sapphire]

Wow, I am so sorry. (totally in tears right now)I too have mother issues, but you remind me of my relationship with my son. I have been so screwed up dealing with my depression over the years, I know I was not there for him the way I needed to be, because I was so checked out. Now he is dealing with depression himself as a young adult. From the bottom of my heart, I apologize to you for your mother, and wish you the best in dealing with her. Maybe going to a therapist together and discussing some of the issues you two face can help begin the healing process. She is obviously blind to the pain she has caused, or is just not allowing herself to admit it. Either way, she probably will need help to see it, if she hasn't after all this time. Please don't give up hope. Seek help and continue working on yourself, and hopefully you can have positive relationships in the future.

[ema]

have you ever had that eureka moment when you can say someone just really gets you? i am weirdly you... and it makes me want to copy paste and post this...