I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!

[indeediwill]

I can’t begin to think how mentally messed up I am at the moment. The urge to self harm is getting stronger and stronger each min of the day. I have lost all motivation and love for everything and everybody, including myself. I have wasted so much of a life being a gangbanger and I honestly was happy then. Every since I have enrolled in school can’t legit crack a smile for the life of me. I don’t look forward to the next day because that is more pain and more agony to live through each day of the same shit. I have tried different methods. I have tried different tactics and nothing has worked. No one won’t even read this note here. That alone shows the lack of merit the words of a confused, lost soul has upon the world today. Personally, I hate to say this but it is the compete truth: I don’t give a damn if I love or die anymore. I blame myself and I blame God. I should have a better life. I should have better parents. I shouldn’t have to see so much bloodshed. I shouldn’t have seen manipulation and figured that would get me further than being morally honest. I figured life would be more than what dollar amount you caretaker make for yourself. I figured love would be available for everybody, especially for a kid that never had love shown to him. It’s unfair. It’s immoral. It’s life. Sadly, THAT IS LIFE. I have to commit myself because I know my mind is a dangerous room for no one to be around and I’m ok with it. It’s not like I have a choice. The world made me this way. God bred me this way. This WAS NOT a choice. This was fate. This was karma. But for what? Sure, i was violent with my brothers in HS. Sure, I manipulated every woman that came across my way to only feed my lifestyle and sexual needs. Sure, I resented my father for the emotional/physical abuse he dished out for no reason. They didn’t get punished. I did. For 26 years. Why? I got the message God. Dammit!!!!!! Let me live a single solitary year of happiness for once. I want to feel what that love that everybody talks about everyday. Why must I be sidestepped from that?!? Were my sins and decision making that apparent to where it’s not possible YK happen? Fine. I guess j should thank God for my blessings, right? Let do that now, shall we…..thank you God for blessing me with a father who never said “I love you”, who slapped me more times (for no reason) than any of his fraternity brothers could ever have done to him. Thank you for blessing me with a mother who didn’t bother to care what I did in the house as long as it didn’t bother her. Her neglect ino is apparent but she’s making up for that now. Thank you for two grown ass sisters who don’t have their lives in order and I have no legit connection to whatsoever. Thank you God for that. Thank you for placing these people I to my life. What a joke. Btw if you read this, this is LIFE. This is the LARGE picture. I am the Joker. I am despair. I am darkness. I am heartbreak. I am pain. If you read this and wonder why is writing this, it’s simple answer: I need help. I don’t need your sympathy. I need clarification. I DESERVE THAT! I DESERVE TO BR HAPPY GOD DAMMIT. I’ve paid my dues and now I’m broke.

[PixieArmy]

indeediwill, I am sorry to read so much pain in you. I can empathize with much that you have wrote. I won't give you empty words that most surely have, cuz I know you won't believe them. but i am glad you got some of that anger and hatred out, maybe you can keep sharing with us, find people that are different to the people that have surrounded you i the past.

Pix

[4EverMe]

indeediwill,
I'm sorry that your days in school aren't as enjoyable/cowardly as gangbanging...

You don't want sympathy, and I will give you none.
However, the humanity in me feels 'empathy' for your pain, and for the abuse you suffered. With that, I can and do relate.
That said, what's the life of someone who makes the choice to gangbang? Is it cool? Glamorous? Is it a chance(s) to abuse others to settle your own score? Ease that old pain?

It's not God's fault you were mistreated...Was it His fault when you used the sexuality of women for your own lustful gain?

NO. They were choices you made, just as the crappy choices your father made by using you as a striking bag.

It's good you're in school, and can rise above this somehow. Do you see a counselor?