Spheres

[Frame]

Spheres, circles, cycles, trajectories;
I have stalled on my path. I increasingly over the years, have told myself that, it's important to simplify, to concentrate. I've applied myself to problems of complexity and yet my life has really become a shell. I am as hollow as a christmas ornament.

No one calls to ask how I am. Why would they? I reach out to almost no one. I work with no one; sleep with no one; play with no one. No one hates me that knows me. But know one is particularly impressed either. It's not that I'm concerned about living my life alone or even in poverty (although that isn't all that appealing). I don't want to live and die in chaos.

The physical world around me is chaos and I can't bring any order to it. And my inner world seems daily more enlightened and more disheveled. I have no where to turn for some order, for some sense, some warmth, some clarity. I suppose one of the things so wonderful about the holidays for past was, all the cleaning and ordering and planning.

I want to spend a day knowing who I am and what I stand for. I don't even know what I believe; about what God wants, about my purpose. Where I'm going just seems wrong. What's right? Where?

K, I'm done whining for the moment.

[drizzle]

My life was/is a shell these days, too.

What had helped me these days was writing things down, making a list of all things in my life and things that I want to do.

And I have tried to analyze each one of them, to see how much I care about it and how much it is important.

I have realized that during last year I have not done anything in the areas for which I care the most.

Now I have to find a way how to do those things. At least now I know what I want to do with my life.

[CrazyLady17]

Oh frame.

I have these exact se expressions, bloody sucks.

(((Hugs)))

[Frame]

I find your response very insightful drizzle, because I neither am spending my time, or more importantly I can't muster the heart or the mental focus, to do the things I care about either. My life is spiraling down a dark financial hole from which there appears no return. It's taking my soul and my peace of mind with it.

I can no longer respond with enthusiasm, to opportunities or crises. I'm just sliding deeper into angst. I have things around me that I care about. Yesterday, I took a 25 mile hike with I camera because photography seems to be what I care about most. I actually found some beautiful spaces, got some beautiful shots. But I never got happy. It's like putting so much pressure on any one thing, a person, an activity, a prayer; I'm so low, they're unreal expectations of bringing me up.

I just don't have it any more. I've done many smart things. None of it counts for anything. I don't even have the energy to cleanup...anything...any more. It's a good thing; I'll feel better, I know. I can't. I'm screwed.

[CrazyLady17]

Oh frame.

(((Big hugs)))

[drizzle]

I understand that the problem you are facing is large and that it probably needs a lot of time and energy to solve it. And I see that you have lost your energy and that you can not see the exit.

Worrying about problem won't solve it, I have learned that on a hard way. Worrying will even take the joy from other things in your life, like you had said.

I was always overthinking things. I still do. The difference is that I try to do the best I can and not to worry about things I can not change(easier said than done, I know, but possible)

Everything can be solved, but losing your mind and peace because of problems is not a solution.

[Frame]

It when from over 70(F) on Sunday to below 30 today. What kind of holiday was that.

OK, I've had a bath. And all I can say is, we have to take risks. I don't have a choice. So I need to be at peace with traveling the path that destiny has set me on.

Yea, I said it with a straight face. Yea I believe it. No it didn't make me feel better. No, I'm not at peace. I'd like to return my tickets: the show sucks: I want my money back. Waaaaaaaaaa! They promised harps, and lights, incense. I got sirens, garbage trucks, and diesel smoke.

[CrazyLady17]

Woo

(((Hugs)))

[Frame]

I actually do believe I have dedicated a good percentage of my life to the service of other people. I am nothing special. There is no particular place to go to find my help. I try to help those around me.

But I need help. And I don't know where to go. Don't know where to look. Don't know how to ask.

[CrazyLady17]

I feel the exact same

[Frame]

Sharp Grey Cold City
Nothing I am holds you back
Creeping deep Inside

[CrazyLady17]

Strong words.

(((Hugs)))

[Frame]

it's a Haiku. You can too.

5 syllables; then 7 syllables; then 5 syllables
The only other requirement is that it convey some sense of season.

[CrazyLady17]

Okay thank you.