I came across it reading online, (symptoms below taken from wikipedia)
Dysthymia has a number of typical characteristics: low energy and drive, low self-esteem, and a low capacity for pleasure in everyday life. Mild degrees of dysthymia may result in people withdrawing from stress and avoiding opportunities for failure. In more severe cases of dysthymia, people may even withdraw from daily activities.[6] They will usually find little pleasure in usual activities and pastimes. Diagnosis of dysthymia can be difficult because of the subtle nature of the symptoms and patients can often hide them in social situations making it challenging for others to detect symptoms. Additionally, dysthymia often occurs at the same time as other psychological disorders, which adds a level of complexity in determining the presence of dysthymia, particularly because there is often an overlap in the symptoms of disorders.[7] There is a high incidence of comorbid illness in those with dysthymia. Suicidal behavior is also a particular problem with persons with dysthymia. It is vital to look for signs of major depression, panic disorder, generalised anxiety disorder, alcohol and substance misuse and personality disorder.
and its the closest I've read to anything I feel. I've read up on full on depression as well, and while some of it rang true, it seemed more extreme than how i've been. I don't have that complete lack of will to do anything, get up in the morning, total emptiness, etc that you see talked about in symptoms. My stuff is more like as listed below - low energy and drive, low self esteem, and just a generally down beat persona and pessimistic approach and beat myself up about things/wallow in self pity. I do the whole avoiding opportunities of failure, and stress avoidance. There's time I'm feeling alright, but even then I'm generally pretty introverted, and the self esteem/pessimism issues are still there. I can go out with friends and be ok when we're having beers, banter, etc but again it's still there when I'm alone again. Even if say we moved from a bar where we're sat around a table having a laugh, to somewhere busier and louder where its harder to talk, i tend to go into my shell, hover around/sit at the bar rather than my mates who would be off trying to chat to women, have a good time, etc.
Thing is I'm struggling to differentiate between this, and whether it's just my personality and who i've grown into. Maybe just when i was younger i made more of an effort, and as i've got older have become more accepting of life and its set backs? I don't know.
Would appreciate it if anyone could give any input or thoughts on this. Stuff i've read, also seem to suggest it should be for 2 years to be considered dysthymia. If i do have anything wrong with me, i couldn't pin point it. I feel like generally this is how my personality has become, but then if a setback occurs (work, women, whatever) it hits me quite hard. I'm very much in that club where i feel i should just 'man up' but at the same time part of me is hoping it's something wrong with me, because to be honest i don't fancy being the same way forever.
don't know if im just being dramatic. Im so low on confidence, but people assume I just have a grumpy/lazy personality. I hate the way I look (I realized the other day, that I find myself pretty much automatically untagging an picture that somebody puts of me on facebook... That "that's an unflattering picture, don't want that on my page" but every single time. I hate some of the poor choices I've made in life, and just kind of wish I could go back and start it all again.
I hardly try with women anymore. Just don't have it in me to make any effort any more. I've never really had an lasting success on that front, and each disappointment/rejection just seems to get worse. I wish I could be the type that just doesn't care, but I do. Knocks my confidence and self esteem. I was actually 'seeing' a girl for about 7-8 months earlier in the year, which just sort of happened. I was out with a couple of friends, sat at the bar with the 2 of them, doing my usual while my friend tries to chat her up (he's the loud, confident type). Yet for some reason she was more drawn to me despite me just sat there not saying much. Seemed to like that I was the more reserve type, it was a nice lift for a few months, got me to open up a little more with somebody, which I generally don't do and it was good for me. But she's moved on and its sent me spiraling down again. I don't expect that to happen any time soon again. Christmas is also of course a crap time for all those thoughts, I'm living in the US, and going home for Christmas. I have wedding to go to too while im there. I'll be the only one out of my group of friends to be there on my own. Everyone will assume I don't care, because 'im in the US, living the dream and American woman all love the accent so I must be having a great time. I'll probably play along and do a good job of hiding it, but in some ways I kind of wish somebody would notice.
I don't know what to do. People on here, or other forums, etc all seem to say, "see somebody", and yet Im so closed off, I know I would hate it, would make me feel even worse and id struggle to talk about anything openly.