I feel like so inadequit
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luckyirishlass
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Mon Nov 18, 2013 3:41 pm
I feel like so inadequit
I dont even know where to start, so I start with what happened lately.. I lost my job, my dream job. Now im unemployed living with a family I dont get on with and feel like im in a prison. Icant move out cause youneed money for that.. after believing my entire life I wS meant tobe an animator (artist in developing cartoons) I worked my ass off for 5 years in college got my degree, supported myself with part timework since I was 14... and now the past couple of jobs in the industry I gotlet go...itgs my passion and my lifeand slowly m beginning tothink im just not good enough.. I feellike ive waisted my life... i feel like im living a lie... im just not good enough. That why I was let go... and that means im not good enough to live my dream, the one thing that makes me truly happy... if feel like a failure. Mmy friends snort afnd laugh at me cause I was in collegefor so long.. they look at me as a joke. My boyfriend is supportive emotionally and he loves me.. and I love him. But I feel like im just holding him back. He wants to get married and have kids... I want to now run away and get out of this misserable country. Im so unhappy. Im never good enough, in everything ive done I was always second best. Is it too much to ask to be really good at something? Im so lonely and feel like shit. Thinking of going to the doctor to get some anti depressants to numb how I feel. Although I heard its hard to get them these days.. I just want to getout of here, and go somewere im appreciated
Lass assuming your moniker is about your nationality, then your depression is national too isn't it? I can understand you wanting to leave, but please don't give up on your dreams. It must be incredibly hard right now. There are probably some more economically upbeat places but unless your part of the 1%, most places in the world are a bit tough.
Your not alone. It is determination right now that gets us through.
Your not alone. It is determination right now that gets us through.
God, sometimes I don't know where this stuff comes from. I woke up this morning; the only place I feel safe is in bed. I have people depending on me and I can't get out the door without wanting to crumble to the ground. I've lived my life trying to do what the world asks, demands, extorts. But do they believe in me? (Hell no. But that's self serving. They believe what they see not what we tell them.) I have nothing to show any more. It's all gone. I'm all gone. I don't know whether I should be writing.
I have been working since I was 14 also Lass. Work has been my respite, my saviour. Even now, if I didn't have to get to work, I would probably lie in bed and die. I can't stand the people around me any more. If I hadn't grown up with work being one of the few things I could count on, I would not now have that discipline to keep me going.
Stories abound of people working their whole life toward retirement; their life's work ends; they die. (In a way it makes sense. Social Security wasn't created to give Americans a place in the Sun in their waning years.) I don't think it's really the dream of retirement that keeps people alive. It's work. Of course, it's nice to be financially secure. My parents retired secure. But found more to do; they kept on working. (I lie in bed. What the Hell is wrong with me?)
So what's the moral? It's not about being good enough Lass. It's about getting up every day and working. It's about work. In the last half of the Twentieth Century people started to believe it was about happiness, consumption, pleasure, recreation. That expectation has to (will) change. It's about the sustaining grace of work.
I have been working since I was 14 also Lass. Work has been my respite, my saviour. Even now, if I didn't have to get to work, I would probably lie in bed and die. I can't stand the people around me any more. If I hadn't grown up with work being one of the few things I could count on, I would not now have that discipline to keep me going.
Stories abound of people working their whole life toward retirement; their life's work ends; they die. (In a way it makes sense. Social Security wasn't created to give Americans a place in the Sun in their waning years.) I don't think it's really the dream of retirement that keeps people alive. It's work. Of course, it's nice to be financially secure. My parents retired secure. But found more to do; they kept on working. (I lie in bed. What the Hell is wrong with me?)
So what's the moral? It's not about being good enough Lass. It's about getting up every day and working. It's about work. In the last half of the Twentieth Century people started to believe it was about happiness, consumption, pleasure, recreation. That expectation has to (will) change. It's about the sustaining grace of work.
Failing
Sorry to obsess like this, but I feel like, inside this mumbling, there might be some lesson or at least the strength to get me out of the house. I've been working at my own failing business for about 5 years now. It's given me insight into what fails in me. But one of the gifts it has yielded is the opportunity to talk to a wide range of creative people. Last week I was given some books on the Czeck photographer Josef Sudek.
On first inspection I found his work inspiring and worth emulating. Yet, I envisioned from his technique and subjects, a private (perhaps poor) soul wandering around in the lonely hours of the night and weather, snapping pictures to keep himself busy. The subjects are diminutive; the light, low and hazy; dark, brooding, unfocused. Nonetheless they are very beautiful, but certainly away from the center. I assumed he lived a life of struggle, died poor, and was discovered posthumously.
Then I read his biography. He worked all his life as a photographer, both commercial in creative. Had success and renown. He was connected to both the artistic and the business world. He did things his way; but he also did things the way his clients wanted. He lived through some of the most horrendous times for his country. But he worked and he succeeded. Rembrant also had success and renown. He did things his way and refused to do things the way his clients wanted. He lived through some of the wealthiest times for his country. He is arguably more famous than Sudek, or even Picasso, but he died in poverty.
Where am I going with this? I've lost the thread. Oh,.. I suppose I'm saying that Sudek's dark and stormy; abstract and grainy; romantic and pastoral, style of photography might not have been accepted in his life time were he not willing to also work each day at the grindstone of other peoples whim. I'm also wondering whether Rembrant had it in him to bend his will to the caprice of others; or whether he, or I, or someone else necessarily has the energy to serve two masters.
And I think there is a huge matter of luck. There is risk. George Lucas was told early on that he sucked. But he lived in a time and a place where things worked out for him. I don't think there is any way to be sure. But a great part of that huge matter of luck is our own making.
We have to keep working, for the chance to succeed, or just to stay alive.
Oh well, into the jaws....
On first inspection I found his work inspiring and worth emulating. Yet, I envisioned from his technique and subjects, a private (perhaps poor) soul wandering around in the lonely hours of the night and weather, snapping pictures to keep himself busy. The subjects are diminutive; the light, low and hazy; dark, brooding, unfocused. Nonetheless they are very beautiful, but certainly away from the center. I assumed he lived a life of struggle, died poor, and was discovered posthumously.
Then I read his biography. He worked all his life as a photographer, both commercial in creative. Had success and renown. He was connected to both the artistic and the business world. He did things his way; but he also did things the way his clients wanted. He lived through some of the most horrendous times for his country. But he worked and he succeeded. Rembrant also had success and renown. He did things his way and refused to do things the way his clients wanted. He lived through some of the wealthiest times for his country. He is arguably more famous than Sudek, or even Picasso, but he died in poverty.
Where am I going with this? I've lost the thread. Oh,.. I suppose I'm saying that Sudek's dark and stormy; abstract and grainy; romantic and pastoral, style of photography might not have been accepted in his life time were he not willing to also work each day at the grindstone of other peoples whim. I'm also wondering whether Rembrant had it in him to bend his will to the caprice of others; or whether he, or I, or someone else necessarily has the energy to serve two masters.
And I think there is a huge matter of luck. There is risk. George Lucas was told early on that he sucked. But he lived in a time and a place where things worked out for him. I don't think there is any way to be sure. But a great part of that huge matter of luck is our own making.
We have to keep working, for the chance to succeed, or just to stay alive.
Oh well, into the jaws....
Last edited by Frame on Thu Nov 21, 2013 4:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Wasn't it Stephen King who presented his writing
to 99 different publishers prior to his finally being accepted? Look at his success...
It would have been so easy to give up after submitting his work to the 10th publisher, the 20th, the 50th. No one would have called him crazy for doing so! Wow, persistence truly paid off for him...
It would be nice if it paid off for everybody. I guess we never know until we've given it our all, and then some.
to 99 different publishers prior to his finally being accepted? Look at his success...
It would have been so easy to give up after submitting his work to the 10th publisher, the 20th, the 50th. No one would have called him crazy for doing so! Wow, persistence truly paid off for him...
It would be nice if it paid off for everybody. I guess we never know until we've given it our all, and then some.
May be that's why there's this saying
"this is not the end of war...because i haven't won as yet!!!"
Speaking of luck!!! I think lass u r lucky that u have someone in ur life who loves u thru ur thick and thin...yes it is LUCK...because not many are blessed with love while going thru hard times. U r saying that u think u r holding him back, but from the angle i am seeing, i believe that u r holding URSELF back and not him...he is sweetly and lovingly wants to step further WITH YOU...u shld not let it go. In every profession, there are ups and downs dear. I have passed mbbs, but there's no value of mbbs without an MD degree attached to it. And for admission in MD, i ll have to pass an entrance exam. I have been appearing for these national level exams since last 2 years, have been studying as much as possible...but still no luck. I have no one to talk to. My mom is very friendly to me but although she understands my frustration but i don't share my sad feelings about my future with her because she is a sweet mom so she becomes sad to see me sad. So...
Plus relatives, family friends, everyone at every occasions or gatherings keep asking me "hey doctor, u have been giving exams since 2 years but u dint get admission as yet...that's awful." . I have explained them so many times that the competition is very hard. Its like...around 100,000 students (after mbbs) give this exam every year twice to get selected for admission in colleges for MD course . But out of 100000 only 10000 students get selected...while others have to appear again next time....and these left out students then add to the next year's fresh lot of mbbs students.
I know all this is very confusing. But i guess u have got the main thing that i am trying to explain.
So, plz don't give up ur passion for the wonderful skills u have.
U can't betray the future kids of the country who wud have so many expectations from u .
Did i just say "Kids"?? I am 26, a medical science graduate...preparing for entrance exam for MD which will make me a specialized doctor like a Gynaec or General Surgeon or a Paediatrician....but i still laugh out loud while watching my favourite cartoon show Tom & Jerry.
Please don't take ur life so seriously. U can pm me whenever u like. Oki.
Take care.
"this is not the end of war...because i haven't won as yet!!!"
Speaking of luck!!! I think lass u r lucky that u have someone in ur life who loves u thru ur thick and thin...yes it is LUCK...because not many are blessed with love while going thru hard times. U r saying that u think u r holding him back, but from the angle i am seeing, i believe that u r holding URSELF back and not him...he is sweetly and lovingly wants to step further WITH YOU...u shld not let it go. In every profession, there are ups and downs dear. I have passed mbbs, but there's no value of mbbs without an MD degree attached to it. And for admission in MD, i ll have to pass an entrance exam. I have been appearing for these national level exams since last 2 years, have been studying as much as possible...but still no luck. I have no one to talk to. My mom is very friendly to me but although she understands my frustration but i don't share my sad feelings about my future with her because she is a sweet mom so she becomes sad to see me sad. So...
Plus relatives, family friends, everyone at every occasions or gatherings keep asking me "hey doctor, u have been giving exams since 2 years but u dint get admission as yet...that's awful." . I have explained them so many times that the competition is very hard. Its like...around 100,000 students (after mbbs) give this exam every year twice to get selected for admission in colleges for MD course . But out of 100000 only 10000 students get selected...while others have to appear again next time....and these left out students then add to the next year's fresh lot of mbbs students.
I know all this is very confusing. But i guess u have got the main thing that i am trying to explain.
So, plz don't give up ur passion for the wonderful skills u have.
U can't betray the future kids of the country who wud have so many expectations from u .
Did i just say "Kids"?? I am 26, a medical science graduate...preparing for entrance exam for MD which will make me a specialized doctor like a Gynaec or General Surgeon or a Paediatrician....but i still laugh out loud while watching my favourite cartoon show Tom & Jerry.
Please don't take ur life so seriously. U can pm me whenever u like. Oki.
Take care.
Thank u fallen...i need these best wishes these days. It's because i am going to have my another national level entrance exam on 5th December. Lets see what happens.
Thank u for ur wishes. Plz pray for my good results as well...because if i get selected for md admission by this exam, 50% of my family problems will be over. Otherwise...?
Thank u for ur wishes. Plz pray for my good results as well...because if i get selected for md admission by this exam, 50% of my family problems will be over. Otherwise...?
That is so thoughtful of u fallen. Thank u for ur wishes and belief in me... Ill try to give my best in my exam.
I was wondering why luckyIrishlass hasn't replied yet. People find this site when they are going thru hard times that too alone...so i feel bad because i think that she myt have been thinking that no one has replied or heard her story. But she shld come and see that she has made a few friends already.
I was wondering why luckyIrishlass hasn't replied yet. People find this site when they are going thru hard times that too alone...so i feel bad because i think that she myt have been thinking that no one has replied or heard her story. But she shld come and see that she has made a few friends already.
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