Really need someone to talk to

[LadySith]

I really need someone to talk to mostly about my not so much relationship, I really need help..advice on what to do.
Well I'll tell you..This with my ex boyfriend just seem to get worse and worse. Literally every little thing that goes wrong it's a huge problem with him. An example of this is as if I were to spill something on accident and it's automatically bigger than that, like there's a reason why I would've spilled it and that there's something wrong with me. That's how the little problems are.

I love this guy but I've done things to lose his trust because I am or was an habitual liar. I lied so that I wouldn't get in trouble if I were to do something and well he can see right through me and know when I was lying and that is the cause of doing things. So he does not trust me anymore after so many years.

I've done what I could to fix it but I'm telling you little problems like waking up later than I should on accident messes it up or saying things the wrong way messes it up. He tells me that I should learn how to say things properly and not give excuses first before the actual problem. Even doing things the wrong way messes up my chances...i don't know what to do. He told me that we do things his way which I have been and not even doing what he says has helped, he doesn't want me to go anywhere and wants me t stay home which is something I've been doing for a long time.

He says he doesn't know me anymore when I leave gaps in our conversations he gets paranoid and thinks that I'm out sleeping around and I told him that I'm not that kind of girl...I tell him he should know who I am then he said I don't know who you are anymore..it's because there was something I did that I went out with one of my friends and he believes it was with a guy...But usually when he argues with me he ALWAYS brings up everything I've done and it makes me feel so small compared to him and I have no self esteem anymore. Just yesterday something happened and he basically called me a useless piece of shit, i don't know if he said it out of anger or meant it but when he's mad at me he does insult me a lot and it always makes me feel worthless like I can't do anything.

I know I've done many things and letting those things pile up becoming a never ending tower being built and I do want to change the way I say things and I do want to say smarter things because I honestly do feel stupid all of the time and worthless. I just want advice on what I should do..out of all of this he says he still does care about me

[Frame]

Couple things LadySith;

First; your honesty here strikes me as open and courageous. Your saying that I would have a hard time telling myself (and so could never say to others). So give your self credit because your changing already.

Second: The honesty your showing here can be transferred to your life and relationships at home; but give it time because it's not just about intent. It's about changing habits and the way you feel about yourself. It's work; but I don't have to tell you that.

Third; I think that it's important for you and your boyfriend to understand that silence doesn't always mean someone is hiding something. He may not believe you right away, but it might be good to tell him that sometimes when your silent it's because your working hard to think and say the right things.

There is a part of the Budhist Discipline written in some book somewhere about speech (and so coincidently about silence). It goes; there are three tests to pass before speaking; 1) Is it true? 2) Is it helpful 3) Is it timely. Sometimes, if we wait just a few seconds or minutes, a few words can have a more positive impact. Sometimes we wait too long, it's not so helpful, and better unsaid. So silence really is golden. Budhist Monks who have tried to live by this practice have said it cuts out more than 90% of what they might say.

My two favorite talk show interviewers are Charlie Rose and Terry Gross. The reason is they ask a question and then, no matter how uncomfortable the silence may be, they stay quite and let (make) the guest talk. It's not that easy (listen to some other hosts), but they get deeper more informative answers.

I hope this helps.
Anyway, I shut up now.

[LadySith]

Thank you for your reply It does help me and well I have told him before that when I am silent that I am thinking of what to say because I want to make sure I say it right but there are times when I wait too long to say something and it does cause problems.
I try so hard to change for him but I know that the small mistakes I've made and still make it what makes things worse and today he thinks I'm up to something but I told him that I don't want to disturb him when he's busy with school. I've told him many times before and Idk why this time it's different. I guess I just have to keep working at it.

[4EverMe]

Hi LadySith,
Please correct me if I'm wrong, but these trust problems arose because you went out with a friend(s), and your boyfriend assumed it was a guy you'd seen??
Ask yourself an honest question...Is too much of your time spent with him like walking on egg shells? You seem to be constantly afraid of displeasing him in any way. How long has this belittling you been going on? And what is causing you to presume that you're worth this kind of treatment?

[LadySith]

To 4EverMe,

Yes that is correct and because I have done a few things before but that's what caused it to be more.
Well sometimes I try not to make any mistakes and I've been doing my hardest at it but usually without even trying to or wanting to stuff happens and it does feel like that in a sense. I'm kind of afraid of messing up because I try so hard not to but the thing is it's my fault that he's like this because of how I was before I basically lied a lot and I'm being honest about it and I lied before because I didn't want to get into trouble or out of habit
Well he hasn't done that in a while but he tends to say something when I do make a mistake and make him angry