What are you doing down there ?

[TurtleRock]

I suppose part of my brain does understand but at the same time I feel rather.. lost?

I am an unlikely pillar, The foundation that my mental health is built on is far from sound. For the most part I do not have the energy to move myself let alone stop someone else from drowning.

Despite that I still seem to be the person that some of those close to me rely on to lift them out of their own malaise. The irony is not lost on me.

I try and once in an exceedingly rare moment I succeed in helping them get past what ever their latest hurdle in life is. But for the most part I am just the sounding board for their ideas or the late night companion who listens with out judgement to their thoughts and aspirations.

But when I start to falter and slide back down the path I fear most, It's not respite nor understanding they offer or even some kind of misguided offer of assistance instead its more like I'm sliding into quicksand and their only response is "what are you doing down there ?. To which I can only reply well to be honest, I think I'm drowning.

Apparently that is not a satisfactory answer, For the answer I get is more along the lines of why are doing that at a time like this my needs are not being met and I feel unequipped to deal with what ever is going on in your head right now.

How do you answer something like that. I want to inform them that it's not any easier for me being as I have to live with the thoughts in my head. But instead I say nothing. Because saying nothing is easier then telling them everything.

This is why I shouldn't stay up so late.

[Frame]

I don't think that depressed people somehow surround themselves with needy people, people who can't seem to give back or give us back what we need anyway. I for one, find myself surrounded with people who have complicated lives with complicated problems. I think it's the constant challenge I set myself of helping others who cant' seem to get the help they need (because, hey if not myself, maybe I can help them) that drives me to depression.

And I think right there above, are two reasons why. First: I identify with these helpless people and they identify with (and accept) me. And second: though I've given up on the reality (although not the hope) of being helped myself; I do believe in Karma and the possibility that helping others might come back to me.

So I'm surrounded by problems; people, things, cosmic, and personal. And I've gotten good at solving arcane problems, so arcane problems find me. But they're not solving me. (Why aren't they solving me?) So my solution is to be frustrated, and depressed; to give up almost every day, then get out bed angry with the world and try to solve the next problem. (Oh sure, sometimes I create my own for good measure.) People close to me sometimes say I deserve to be happy. But I've lost touch with how that works.

My apologies Rock; I didn't mean to High jack your post. Sometimes it's hard to shut up.

[TurtleRock]

Its about expression after all if it moves you to speak then don't hold back on my account.

I was just a little worn down at that particular moment. I may have chosen the wrong "place" in the forum to post it in retrospect, But as they say hindsight is 20/20.