I'm helplessly watching my life crumble in front of my eyes.

[Frame]

It's my decision, my choice; why should I use the word helpless? Well, there's my meandering musings over options, seeing them creating them, missing them. But then there's the idea of paths. I've said for decades now that my life is like a river (no, not Anthony Quinn's river); it follows it's own path. If I try to steer I end up on a sand bank. Every once in a while a flood causes it to over run it's course but other than that I'm sort of along for the ride.

I feel like this road to ruin is not so much a penance as a turn in the river heading for the rapids. Yes, I've been making decisions all along the way; but it seems that options I might have chosen, to keep this all from happening, are in some other river.

I have skills, I have talents, and wisdom but I've few opportunities to use them. I have chosen to attempt an avenue of creativity much along the lines of a starving artist. So far, I'm far from starving. Maybe a little crumbling can be a good thing. You really can't tell what the rapids are like until your in them.

[Alaska1958]

Depression reminds me of muscular dystrophy. Except instead of watching, year after year, our bodies deteriorate and grow weaker, we feel our minds and our ability to cope deteriorate.

It's 7pm here now. I had written up a list of things I wanted to accomplish today. Not a long list, just a few things I wanted to take care of. Instead I've been sitting here browsing the Internet and listening to the radio all day. It was a beautiful day today and I did, at least, get out for a walk.

[Frame]

Determination, determined, I am. It's just this fog. It keeps me from doing things that would let me keep my life, the way it is now. I fear the disappointment of those who have trusted and relied on me. I fear the unknowns about how my life continues. I don't see any continuity.

And yet there are those people telling me what I'm doing is important. An artist friend, who had just lost his job, came by last week. I told him for the first time about my life long struggle with depression. He looked around my shop and told me I was on the right path. There are people who do appreciate the art I make; And as to work, I just finished conserving 16 Italian prints and sketches from the 18th and 19th century. The curator called on Saturday from home to tell me how much she appreciates the work.

It's just that none of that is enough to create a stable world. The money is never enough. I still wake up wanting to die. I have to drag my mind along behind me like a pumpkin on a vine skinning along the ground. Bret Dennon sings about Hope in a hopeless world. I'm looking for meaning in a meaningless world. No, that's not right. Everyone else seems to find meaning. It's just that it escapes me.

[4EverMe]

It's good, Frame, that people appreciate what you do. You are worth something HUGE, not just because of your talents, but because of who you are. I'm positive that others would agree on this!

I'll admit I had to laugh. Your description of dragging your mind behind you like a pumpkin on a vine, skimming/sliding down the road--Haha! The visual I got from that? Phenomenally funny!! Out of curiosity, did YOU laugh when you typed that sentence? Nevertheless, I did get your drift. I feel the same way, the majority of each day. Probably in my dreams too! LOL!! The pumpkin...The pumpkin...It not only skims down the road. It twists, bruises and bumps too. Haha.

[Frame]

I was listening to a film criticism of the movie Brazil a few minutes ago (Terry Giliam). The reviewer said that more dark comedies have been badly made than any other genre. He says it's because that genre necessarily juxtaposes things that are funny with things that are not at all funny and the right balance is essential.

I'm not about to say I'm very balanced or that I set out to write with humor. I try to find lucid compelling metaphors for the things I'm feeling and I don't know whether they are funny or sober or compelling until I reread them. Then I try to decide whether they're worth reading, whether they get the point across. I know what we're dealing with is not funny but what's missing in most of our lives is joy. A little humor can add a little joy. For me it's still guess work

[4EverMe]

I DO understand, Frame.
But I can't help it if the mental imagery that springs forth from someone's words cracks me up. However, this is not to imply that I don't understand the seriousness of what is conveyed. But humor is also good. If you can bring about both at once, (intended or not) this is what I call gifted! Yes, we all need to find joy/humor, esp while down. So,...thanks to you!