Dear Dad.

[jj]

Dear Dad,


"Dad", it feels unnatural to even say that. You're a man that happened to be biologically related to me. I need to get to a grounded and secure place of forgiveness because I can't spend any more of my life hurting over you. We tried, so hard, to help you. Nine years we stood by you and supported you as best as we could but no matter what we did it wasn't enough to help you because you wouldn't help yourself. You stubborn selfish man I hate you for dying. I hate you for torturing me, leading me to a path of self-harm now I'm covered in scars making me ugly to the world and all because of my pain and love for you.


You have paid the price for this as you have now lost your life. You are going to miss out on so much life. You won't get to give me or Lucy away. You won't see Jack become a dad. You wont see me graduate, or marry, or become a mother. You won't become a grandfather so congratulations.


I hate that you died alone, in a chair, in a corner of a dingy room that you called your "home", cigarette stains all over the floor, blood, disgusting. That your quality of life was horribly poor, not eating!! Just drinking. And smoking. Not moving, not cleaning. Cleaning yourself with face wipes what kind of a life is that. You couldn't walk you had lost your mind you were one of those mentally ill homeless people you see on the street, a mind destroyed by that poison, and all for what, a few bottles of wine and a bottle of brandy each day. You disgust me and I am ashamed my father turned into that, found dead, by your carer who gave up on you because you wouldn't do anything to help yourself.


I hate that you weren't the dad I wanted. That I was so secretive about you for so many years. That I protected your dignity all this time because I was a little girl that still loved her daddy. I hate that you will never understand my pain. That you won't ever understand the affect you have had on people, or what it's like to be tortured and tormented by someone so much that you are holding the knife in your hand, arguing with yourself in your head to not plunge it deep down into their heart. Can you imagine what terror must drive someone to feel that way?


I pity you because you have missed out on your own daughters life. You can't see the intelligent, caring, and loving person I am and all the other things I will become. I pity you that you lost your soul at the bottom of a bottle and it ended up killing you. Alone. ALONE.


I mourn not for the loss of your death, but the tragedy of your life. More fool you and all that you have lost. I loved you with every single atom of my heart. It's a pity our love wasn't enough.


Enough with this now. "There is a life to be lived." I have to let go of my past, of you, of all those dark terrifying memories, and look to the future and Never look back. You are such a waste but I forgive you. I have to. You were lost. You were a human and a life, people mess up. You just affected a lot of people in the process, and failed to fulfil the job you signed up for when deciding to have children.

My life is going to reflect everything that your's didn't. This is the end of this chapter..


"The powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse."

[Frame]

Good JJ.

[nenkohai]

((((((((( jj ))))))))))))

and many many more

[jj]

Dear Dad.

Today I read my words to you and as I did I felt the poison leave my head and my heart.

Today I attended your funeral and when I did I began to feel respect for the man you once were.

Today I listened to Lucy's poem and as I did I started to remember that there were some good times before your light went out.

Today I held my brother's hand as he struggled to let go of you, and as I did I started to feel stronger inside.

Today I witnessed people who loved you, pay their tributes to you and my mind started to become clearer.

Today we stood as we watched the curtain close around your coffin and I cried for you. I poured my heart out and fell to the seat. And as I did I felt myself release you. I felt my heart let go of you. I felt my soul forgive you.

Today I mourned for you daddy. I opened my heart back up to you and remembered what a daddys little girl I used to be, and how you used to treat me so well, and as I did a smile came to my face.

I forgive you daddy, and I love you.

[Frame]

JJ I feel so honored to be able read your words. You say so much so well.
Thank you.

P.S. I think we all have a book in us (the crazier we are the better the read); hold on to those pages.

P.S.S. I hardly need to say my heart goes out to you.

[jj]

Wow Frame, thank you. I just write like I'm writing in a diary or something, didn't think much of it. Thanks for the support and care. My heart goes out to you too and the things you're struggling with too *hugs*.

And thanks nenkohai for the support too *hugs*. Has been a very tough few months and more but look we are all here still fighting. That's something to be proud of.

[4EverMe]

Dear jj,
What can I say...post to reading what you wrote? After feeling the pain in your words? It feels like a dagger in my heart when I feel another suffering. A huge hug for you jj! I truly hope that you go on healing and that your life turns out for the best--the lives of your family members as well.

Don't know if you've read my Topic/Posts, but I was truly considering suicide because I'm soon to be in a VERY risky situation. However, I decided to fight it, although the odds seem stacked against me. Guess I need to walk out onto a very thin limb and trust GOD. Your words hit me today as I was reminded of the impact suicide has on others. I'm so VERY sorry for your loss and for your pain. Thankyou for your courage in sharing what you did. Your words, I feel, will affect others...maybe stop others who are considering suicide. Many who contemplate this aren't in their 'right' minds. They often convince themselves that those they leave behind will somehow be okay. God bless & thankyou for posting.

[jj]

Thanks 4EverMe, huge hugs right back at you and thanks for the good wishes, I hope the same for you, and I know you'll get there. There is a way out of this black tunnel, we just have to guide each other whilst we can't see.

I haven't read them yet but I'll check them after this. I'm sorry to hear you were in that dark place too. I've been there too, and I'm really glad you made the decision to fight it! You can, and you will beat this. You're stronger than you believe. You've got the support of depression-understood too in this difficult time for you

I never thought the words would affect anyone positively but if they do wow that would be cool

Thanks for your nice reply,

See you around the forum,
JJ

[4EverMe]

Hi jj,
Thankyou for your sweet response! I'd love to be friends with you too. It is true that people need others to help guide them outt've the darkness. It's a terrible place to feel stuck in. Even worse is when you feel you're there alone. And yes, these depression forums are very helpful!

Your words of encouragement were sweet and I appreciate them. Thanks for caring Just so you know, I can't get in the chat rooms cause I'm on this site via cellie. Ugh! So, you won't see me there. Can I send you a PM? (if I can figure out how to do it again!) Lol. I'm new to this--posting on websites. Well, I hope you have a safe and happy fourth!! Will talk to you soon. Hugs back to you also. ((( jj )))

[4EverMe]

Hi jj,
I forgot to mention that, yes, your post WILL affect people and in a good way. It reminds others and also teaches others what their loved ones would feel like to lose them. I wish i could write a 'Dear such-and-such', but i would sorta be copying you! Ugh. Well, i'll talk to you soon! Take care jj.