feel out of control and alone

[sprezzatura15]

I feel like everything is out of control... I'm supposed to be saving money for grad school, and I'm living with my parents to be able to do that, but we're so poor my whole paycheck goes to paying for family expenses every time. And it's not even a matter of not being able to put money away, I can't even scrounge $15 to go out to eat with my friends, and I'm constantly having to turn them down to do stuff because I'm always broke. It's not like it's going to frivolous family expenses, it's stuff like groceries, gas, utilities, but still, I just wish I had some control over whether I could spend even small amounts of money on something for me. Also, my mom has bad OCD, and I have to help her every night with that or she is very upset, and it's a huge deal for everyone to leave the house at the same time because of it.

Also, I'm very irritable and depressed and anxious at home, I almost never feel happy or content about anything, I pretty much just worry, but I don't want to burden my family any more than they need to be with everything we're going through already. But I always say something stupid that makes everyone mad at me, and then I feel so alone. I don't want to bother my friends, and my family already has to deal with my drama.

This probably all just makes me sound like a big victim, and that's not true, I'm just much to blame as anyone for my problems, if not more. I cannot stress that enough- OTHER PEOPLE ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR ME BEING STRESSED. I DO NOT WANT TO BE SEEN AS A VICTIM! But I just wish I wasn't so alone when I'm burdened with all this sadness/irritability/frustration. I wish I could either just do everything perfectly so no one would get mad at me, or I had someone to support me when I'm the stupid idiot I always seem to be. Sorry for this long post, but I'd really appreciate some support if someone has got it for me.

[Frame]

Sprezatura;

I'm sorry it took so long for someone to answer. I joined a couple days ago and it lifts my spirits to respond as well as post. I can totally connect feeling alone in the middle of a room full people who supposed to be your closest allies. It's easy for family illness to drain the common emotional bank, making it hard for everyone concerned to cope. I don't know; it's possible that there was more than one problem relative in my family.

It's a very good thing your doing by reaching beyond the family for emotional support. You need to preserve and build emotional strength for yourself and for them. And I understand how friends who are supposed to be there for you can also become a burden.

But nothing you've said or done gives me the urge to blame you or any of your family or friends. And you don't need to blame yourself. Conversely, it seems that with all you've got to deal with, and you being a human being and all (who makes mistakes, we all do) I'd say you are A) being a model, supportive, and loyal family member B) proactively seeking the help you and your family need.

You have discovered a resource here. Don't be afraid to use it and take what sustenance you can. You are worthy. You deserve it.

[4EverMe]

Hi Sprezzatura15,
I was gonna post something longer but the post prior to mine says most of what's on my mind here. You have so much responsibllity for your age. I know you're stressed and depressed. My heart truly goes out to you. Obviously, you are a pretty strong person, but everyone in a rough spot needs a support system. Even if you can find a counselor, that would be better than nothing. Just make sure you find one you feel like you can form a connection with!! This is important! We all have differing personalities. You don't need a counselor who is 'clinical.' Find one you can TALK TO! Someone you can relate to. Doing this will help you, if you're able.

Surfing this site is helpful as well. I just wish you the best, and I really hope you find some kind of support system. You do deserve some relief!!!