Not The "Happy Ball Of Joy" PeaceLove (Triggering)

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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PeaceLove
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Location: USA
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Not The "Happy Ball Of Joy" PeaceLove (Triggering)

Postby PeaceLove » Sat Feb 09, 2013 10:42 am

Don't expect anyone to read this just needed to get stuff out there for my benefit, nor is it at all grammatically laid out.


I have been known to take everything the bothers me and just cram it in the pile of other things. It just builds and builds pressure in my mind until....well boom. It leads to a moment like right now, everything floods to the surface and BANG there it is to deal with all at one time! I think I almost just do this as a self abuse to make sure I suffer in silence. Something about my past dealing with abuse makes this needed for me to function, probably a mix of self-hatred and the need to "Experience Consequences" for pretty much just being alive. It leads to me losing touch sometimes with a sense of self and I take on the role of the abuser to my own ego.

I am filled with negativity at the quiet realistic possibilities of my future. I have lost all social connection with anyone that once were my friends due reasons I am not honestly to sure of. I need to now begin looking for a job so I can once again move out on my own. Once I do get this job though and heck even fast forward to me having my own place I know I will still be a Lone Sheep. I will get up, go to work, come home, go to bed, repeat.....forever. At this point in life I don't see how I can form an interaction with another human being that isn't abusive, narcissistic, or somehow ending with them gaining something. At this point though I really don't see why they wouldn't take the opportunity, all they have to do is show me a speck of love and I am hooked on the need to be accepted and loved in any way I can.

Then There is Transition! Adding more disapproval to the list I have caused them. I would never be viewed the way I know deep down I deserve to be. If I am even allowed to be a part of the family anymore as I am pretty sure the concept is going to go over very poorly. Every family get together there I would sit not even viewed as the person I am but something foreign and impossible for them to understand! After all the family issues involved in coming out as Female now I have to achieve this goal by some miracle. There is Years of Hormones to be paid for, mammaplasty,Facial feminization surgury, chondrolaryngoplasty, Gender reassignment surgery, Laser treatments, the list never seems shorter. All of which somehow I must find funds. As a 18 year old this is overwhelming to me I feel like I should be out there blowing my money and learning life lessons the hard way, but I had to grow up like *snap* that quick and figure all this stuff out by myself.

Mood-swings everyday just bounce all over the place leaving me mentally drained, which medication isn't really helping with too much.


BLAH!!!!! I Just need Hugs. Today has been a bad day :cry:


Love,

PeaceLove

nenkohai
Posts: 131
Joined: Mon Dec 03, 2012 5:01 pm

Postby nenkohai » Sat Feb 09, 2013 1:59 pm

many MANY hugs to you, peacelove!!

(( peacelove))

and many more!

NK

stillwaters
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon Sep 10, 2012 1:26 pm

Postby stillwaters » Sat Feb 09, 2013 1:59 pm

Hi Peacelove
Although we have different issues, I have also had days when anxiety seems to reach the boiling point and once again I am plagued with the question, whats it all about? We must remember that these days do pass and although the future will undoubtably provide us with more of these days, we will also be blessed with the occasional good day as well.
I hope tomorrow brings you better thoughts.
((( Peacelove)))

metaLarsllica
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Joined: Mon Jun 21, 2010 12:50 pm
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Postby metaLarsllica » Sun Mar 10, 2013 11:44 am

(((((( Peacelove ))))))))))

Just remember you are someone special in all ways but one. They say were all psychic as we tend to predict the future. Getting out on your own, may bring you more joy and the ability to find friends that you want. I am learning that "family" is friends and loved ones that care for you and accept you for who you truly are, everyone else is just relatives. I believe in my heart you will find acceptance.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

put this hug in your pocket and know you are special, and when you need it the most, pull it out and hug yourself with it.

Meta


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