Christmas day

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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Waynec
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Location: United Kingdom

Christmas day

Postby Waynec » Sun Dec 23, 2012 3:23 am

Ive thought long and hard about this. Ive tried to use alternative paths. Ive tried every possible help and treatment avaliable to me, but nothing has helped. Been five month since I lost the love of my life The thought of being alone for the first time ever on christmas day, while she and the kids are with him is crushing my soul.
My heart is still broke, my soul crushed, my mind fragile and my being destroyed.
Ive pushed all my family and friends away, .
I would like to wish everyone light and love, and hope you are able to cinquer your inner demons, as Ive failed to do.
Wayne

nenkohai
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Joined: Mon Dec 03, 2012 5:01 pm

Postby nenkohai » Sun Dec 23, 2012 9:51 am

You don't come out and say "it," Wayne. But, if I get your idea correctly, I'm not going to plead with you to not do it. I'm not gonna get all wide-eyed with the "OMG, please don't" schtick. No, I don't know exactly what your feeling, but I get what your soul is doing. Shredding.

I don't do hysterics. So, this is what I have to say to you, my brother: reconsider. Maybe for awhile, set it all down on the ground, walk a distance away, turn around, and observe. What IS that? Is that stuff lying on the ground YOU? Of course not. It all that sh*t you don't want or need in your life. Question is, can you leave it on the ground and walk away from it forever?

You don't want it, you certainly don't need it... so go get the help you need to walk away from it for good.

Just sayin'

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Waynec
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Location: United Kingdom

Postby Waynec » Sun Dec 23, 2012 10:18 am

I have reconsidered it. I attempted it in september, and then put myself in the hands of my GP and therapy. Ive loved this girl for 23 years, and finally got it together in January. Then in July she left me for someone else, after telling me all the stuff you do in a deep meaningful fairytale love like we had. She is now engaged, and Im left wondering what I did wrong, and why im not her finally forever like she said. These last couple of weeks have been particuly tough, as she needed me to help with the kids, and I was there in a instant. I know i should have cut contact months ago, but I just cant, my heart doesnt know how to let go of her after all this time.
I read his christmas card to her, and it sunk me into depths I didnt know possible. Truth is, she is the best thing to happen to me, and without her, Im nothing. :'(

nenkohai
Posts: 131
Joined: Mon Dec 03, 2012 5:01 pm

Postby nenkohai » Sun Dec 23, 2012 5:44 pm

Other people don't define you, Wayne. I know you know this. You are still you without her. Hurt, pain, shredding, not withstanding.

Keep in mind, bro, she made herself intentionally emotionally unavailable to you. I don't think you really want her to not only define YOU, but you don't want her to have the emotional final word of your (entire) life. It just isn't worth it - she proved that through her actions.

Just take a look at it all. Take the aerial view of it. Maybe that will help.

BTW, I am expecting to hear from you on the 26th. I'm not trying to be a joker by saying that and I am certainly NOT making light of your feelings or your determination. I, personally, will be profoundly sad if I don't hear back from you then.

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Waynec
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Location: United Kingdom

Postby Waynec » Mon Dec 24, 2012 4:17 am

Thank you for your reply and concern nenkohai.

Ive done what you have suggested in the past. Ive done everything that people would and should do in a break up. But for some reason, I cant let her go. She is happy with her new life, she has her new man, her new home and her kids, and is on her way to the life we set out to achieve together.
I wish her well, because she is the greatest woman, Ive ever met, and I wish her nothing but happiness, regardless of what she did to me. Maybe I deserve to feel like this, maybe I am to soft for my own good, maybe I didnt deserve to be loved by a woman such as her.

She is, and always has been my dream come true. There is a hole in my soul, that was filled in the few short months I could call her mine, and now its bigger than ever before, and doesnt show signs of closing.
I know im being a fool, but feel like im in a corner, and this is the only way out for me. I cant take anymore of these long days, and lonely nights.

nenkohai
Posts: 131
Joined: Mon Dec 03, 2012 5:01 pm

Postby nenkohai » Mon Dec 24, 2012 12:22 pm

No, it is not the only way out, Wayne. Again, this is something you already know.

I'm not saying its NOT the hardest thing you've done in your life (being without her). It is. I recognize that. In fact, I've been in a very similar position as you -- which no doubt you've heard from many people... so, I'm not going to recount what I did...

So, you've done those things I talked about (the aerial view, etc.). Do it again, and again, and again, and as many times as it takes. YOu'll have days where you'll feel like crap. Some days won't be so horrid. Take what you can get... little by little. It will take a long time, buddy. Months, maybe a year, but, the okay days versus the horrid will inverse. You must come to believe that the work is worth it. No one can get you to believe that... except you.

I hope you'll come to believe that life is worth the work versus the non-escape of what you propose. For it is not an escape or release. Be aware that life does not have a goal - it is ALL process. All work is good work.

Will be expecting to hear from you. Thinking of you, brother.

idbtao
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Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2015 2:10 am

Postby idbtao » Thu Mar 05, 2015 2:53 am

Just take a look at it all. Take the aerial view of it. Maybe that will help?






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