Jacked up on the taste of self-destruction

[Ryan]

One of my worse problems I have with myself is self-loathing. I have anxiety which leads into depression and when I analysis myself I see all the downfalls I have. How ugly I am, how repulsive I may be to others. No matter what I change on the outside, if I get a haircut lose weight or even get corrected eye surgery it will never hide this disgusting thing I call myself. I see that there really is no help for me and I have such a hard time even having a conversation with people for an extended time it’s just saddening. I hate this hopeless life and there are days I just wish I could really die. Those days are the most frightening; I don’t what I’ll do at those points. But the worst part is I love being in this state, I need to feel like this I deserved to feel this way. I truly don’t know how to describe it but I’m in a lot of pain when I’m in that state, emotionally. In the end I pray for death, I don’t get it and I start feeling better again the next day. A very vicious cycle but I hope other people who read this can relate to this. Thanks for reading have a great day.

[crystalgaze]

I would say that perhaps your music will help you!

[kazza80]

I think I can relate to most of what you're saying.
This is usually because people have been uncaring or mean to you early in life and you think it's because there is something wrong with you, and you deserve to be treated badly. So you carry on the bullying yourself in your head.
When I'm really Ill with depression I constantly tell myself how boring, ugly, thick and nasty I am. After being brought up with kids taunting me for whatever reason and issues with my father and men. I think I am scum most days. Any slight sign that I'm bothering anyone makes me enter a downward spiral until I end up a complete wreck.

I don't know what to suggest as I haven't found the answer myself but if you haven't already, see your doctor and ask about therapy.

[missvelia]

Defectiveness...I can relate. I have been there. Just remember there are lots of people who feel good about themselves that are much worse than you are. Many of the things that you criticize yourself for are harsh things to pick out. Don't pray to die. If you are going to pray, ask why you are alive because you are here for a reason. There are lots of people who fall into this trap of self-loathing because we just live in a world where people don't care about each other anymore. Sometimes, we gradually lose sight of the things that make us human like love, compassion, and empathy, and the few good people who do have these things are just the ones who suffer the most. But don't give up. You're not alone out there. All I can offer is, yes, it sucks. People put you down, and it's wrong, but it won't be wrong forever. If all else fails, maybe you could go somewhere new and surround yourself with different people who don't already have preconceived notions about you...hope this helps.

[mistystarshine]

I can relate. One day I'm really depressed and want to die, the next day I'm uncontrollably happy. And the next day I get sad again, the day after that I'm incredibly depressed. It's a repeating cycle that gets really boring and painful on the depressed days.