Inward anger (need to get this off my chest)
Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 7:46 pm
Inward anger
Am I a sadist or something?! It's not like I get some kind of thrill out of self-loathing, but I literally cannot help myself, it's like an obsessive thing, constantly hating on myself. One of my friends actually told me I scared her sometimes. I know she knows i'd never harm her but when she sometimes looks at me she sees this rage-filled ball waiting to burst.
Well she's right. Not only did I get rid of my profile page on a certain social networking site recently, but last night I locked myself in my room and smashed up my mobile phone, cut up the sim and memory card and broke the rest of the cell to bits. Sure I wept. But it felt good. I'm disconnecting a lot lately. It feels like the right thing to do. They aren't bad people, I just feel as though they could do without me burdening them with my constantly confused state of mind.
Does anyone else get like this? Do you ever regret it? I've pushed people away to arms length before but this time it feels like I'm completely eradicating them. I just can't handle all the 'niceness' they ooze. I know, I should be grateful there are people who care. but it kills me and I'm not even sure why. I wish they didn't care. Their sympathy is not going to solve my issues- if anything it just makes me feel weaker.
Am I a sadist or something?! It's not like I get some kind of thrill out of self-loathing, but I literally cannot help myself, it's like an obsessive thing, constantly hating on myself. One of my friends actually told me I scared her sometimes. I know she knows i'd never harm her but when she sometimes looks at me she sees this rage-filled ball waiting to burst.
Well she's right. Not only did I get rid of my profile page on a certain social networking site recently, but last night I locked myself in my room and smashed up my mobile phone, cut up the sim and memory card and broke the rest of the cell to bits. Sure I wept. But it felt good. I'm disconnecting a lot lately. It feels like the right thing to do. They aren't bad people, I just feel as though they could do without me burdening them with my constantly confused state of mind.
Does anyone else get like this? Do you ever regret it? I've pushed people away to arms length before but this time it feels like I'm completely eradicating them. I just can't handle all the 'niceness' they ooze. I know, I should be grateful there are people who care. but it kills me and I'm not even sure why. I wish they didn't care. Their sympathy is not going to solve my issues- if anything it just makes me feel weaker.