Always an Outcast

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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LittleThings
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2017 11:12 pm

Always an Outcast

Postby LittleThings » Sun Mar 11, 2018 4:06 pm

I've never really felt like I belonged anywhere. Throughout grade school I was bullied because of my height. I was the shortest person in my class and therefore the easiest target. Boy, girl, it didn't matter everyone picked on me. Even now as an adult I'm still short, standing at a pathetic 5'2". Because of that I've always been alone, nobody hung out with the short guy. I spent my days by myself. I developed a shell and refused to let anyone beyond that shell.

In high school I managed to have a few "acquaintances" from clubs. I don't say friends because they didn't include me when the went to hang out. They were polite to me in school, but after school they wanted nothing to do with me. What's worse is that they didn't hide that they all went to hang out and left me out. Needless to say this hardened my shell even more and I went back to being a loner for the rest of high school.

Even when I'm with my own family I don't feel included. I sit alone, while everyone else seems to have somebody. When I try to have a conversation somebody else talks over me. Everybody is having fun while I feel like I'm being pushed out. The only time anyone wants to listen to me is when someone asks the magic question, "Did you get a girlfriend yet?" I hate that question because it's never happened and it never will.

At 24 it's difficult to go through life without having an experience everybody has when they're in their teens. I've never had that chance and don't think I ever will. The few times I've managed to work myself up to ask a girl out have never gone well. Rejection is the only answer I'll ever seem to receive. They say someday you'll find "the one", but in a world with over 7 billion people how is that possible. "The one" just doesn't seem likely at all, and besides there isn't even anyone out there for me. My future will be loveless and I'll die alone. I'm on my way to become the 40 year old virgin, if I make it that far.

ImJohn
Posts: 47
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 7:42 am

Re: Always an Outcast

Postby ImJohn » Mon Mar 12, 2018 10:43 am

Hi there,

First of all 5' 2" is not a pathetic height, no height is be it 7' 19" or 3' nothing.

Second you are one brave guy to post your story here. It takes a real man to do that! If I had a daughter I'd rather she went out with a thoughtful, self-aware, mature and sensitive chap like you who'd treat her respectfully, than some self obsessed narcissist . And, what's more, I've listened to plenty of females who are looking for a nice guy; that's what counts.

There have been loads of famous men who haven't exactly been giants. Napoleon was about 5' 3" and Norman Wisdom was about 5' 2" and what about Danny DeVito? He's under 5'.

Don't let anything hold you back. Those bullies were/are the ones with the problem not you.

And, in any case, life isn't all about finding a partner. Think about the people you would like to meet or be around. From my point of view I like kind people who have something interesting to say, you know in a thoughtful way. It can be anything really from bird watching to mountain climbing. And the most uninteresting people are the ones who are forever talking about themselves and how great/clever they are. Tedious or what!

I hope a lady also answers you here because I think she'll agree that 'What Women Want' (a good film incidentally) is attentiveness and thoughtfulness from an interesting and engaging man. You can be that man and if nothing else I can assure you that you will be a popular, well liked and well respected person.

P.S. I wish someone had told me all this when I was 24!

LookUp1430
Posts: 11
Joined: Tue Aug 29, 2017 2:43 pm

Re: Always an Outcast

Postby LookUp1430 » Tue Mar 13, 2018 1:30 pm

To be blunt, you're wrong. I can tell by your post you are a sensitive and caring person, and "the one" is out there waiting for you to find her. I'm fairly certain isolating oneself makes it very difficult to find that person though. Society places great importance on certain things, physical appearance, social standing, financial standing, etc, and that's why most relationships that rely on those things fail. Wouldn't you rather find someone who appreciates you for who you are and not for what you look like (or how high you stand)? Odds are you will not find that person in those places where society says to look. Perhaps volunteering somewhere such as an animal shelter or a thrift shop or joining and participating in church type activities will allow you to interact with people who aren't so much interested in how tall you are but with who you are on the inside. Maybe something like that is worth giving a shot. What have you got to lose? Hang in there. "The one" is out there, and if you give it time, you will find her (and she will find you too).

LittleThings
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2017 11:12 pm

Re: Always an Outcast

Postby LittleThings » Sat Mar 17, 2018 10:24 pm

ImJohn wrote:
And, in any case, life isn't all about finding a partner. Think about the people you would like to meet or be around. From my point of view I like kind people who have something interesting to say, you know in a thoughtful way. It can be anything really from bird watching to mountain climbing. And the most uninteresting people are the ones who are forever talking about themselves and how great/clever they are. Tedious or what!



Maybe being in a relationship isn't the most import matter in life, but I feel there is a strong social stigma to be with somebody. It's almost like if you've never had a relationship, or sex, as an adult people think something is wrong with you. I remember my second year in college I got outed as a virgin and everyone thought I was some weirdo loser. I would hear endless tales of people losing it at 17, 16, and even as young as 14. I felt so ashamed, like I wasn't even human. While I'm away from those people now I still feel embarrassed. I think western society puts so much pressure on finding a partner that those who've never had one are deemed outcasts. That's something I don't want to be, but at the same time I don't want to regret my actions and try and force something. What's a weird introverted short guy supposed to do, it's like being stuck in a crappy catch twenty-two.

LittleThings
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2017 11:12 pm

Re: Always an Outcast

Postby LittleThings » Sat Mar 17, 2018 10:28 pm

LookUp1430 wrote:To be blunt, you're wrong. I can tell by your post you are a sensitive and caring person, and "the one" is out there waiting for you to find her. I'm fairly certain isolating oneself makes it very difficult to find that person though. Society places great importance on certain things, physical appearance, social standing, financial standing, etc, and that's why most relationships that rely on those things fail. Wouldn't you rather find someone who appreciates you for who you are and not for what you look like (or how high you stand)? Odds are you will not find that person in those places where society says to look. Perhaps volunteering somewhere such as an animal shelter or a thrift shop or joining and participating in church type activities will allow you to interact with people who aren't so much interested in how tall you are but with who you are on the inside. Maybe something like that is worth giving a shot. What have you got to lose? Hang in there. "The one" is out there, and if you give it time, you will find her (and she will find you too).


Just getting out is a difficult challenge, I felt so safe alone for so long it's a scary thought to be around those I don't know. Even though I know I have to be around them to help me grow as a person, it's just unnerving. Working up the courage to go out and be social is something I need to work on.

ImJohn
Posts: 47
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 7:42 am

Re: Always an Outcast

Postby ImJohn » Tue Mar 20, 2018 3:18 pm

Hello again!

I actually replied earlier but I'm afraid the forum lost all my work when I pressed submit - most annoying.

One of the things I wanted to point out to you related to this part of your post back to me; "I remember my second year in college I got outed as a virgin and everyone thought I was some weirdo loser." So I'll do that now and the rest of what I typed will have to remain lost somewhere in the strange circuitry that makes up this system.

At one time being anything other was than heterosexual was regarded as weird and was seen as both a sickness and a crime. Alan Turing (the computer man from Bletchley Park and all round genius) was treated appallingly by the British government after the second world war because he was homosexual, despite the fact that his work had shortened the war by years and saved thousands of lives. Then there's the terrible history of racial segregation, slavery and so on. Thankfully much has changed and racism and homophobia are largely thing of the past. Now, what you faced at college came from exactly the same philosophy i.e. different equals wrong and wrong is bad or weak or weird, so ridicule and abuse are totally understandable, acceptable and even correct. BUT you're a human being and have the right to be as you are. You're not hurting anyone or pushing anyone else into doing things against their will or better judgement. Being a virgin isn't weird and can in fact be a life style choice!

I was reading an article the other day about asexual people who don't engage in sexual activity at all. One, a girl of 24, said she hoped to qualify as a teacher shortly and hoped that part of the education she'd offer would be teaching people to accept people like her. Oh yes, Sir Isaac Newton was a virgin and he was no fool. And so was my uncle Ernie. But he was a kind man and that counts for a whole lot more than indulging a sexual appetite.

And what's all this loser nonsense? We're all losers: Roger Federer loses tennis matches, Brazil get defeated at football and the All Blacks lose at Rugby. The real triumph is losing and not letting that defeat you. Here, in Europe, we have a Six Nations Rugby tournament each year, and Italy have lost all there matches every year for years. But they play well and I, and all the other teams, really respect them. And they're getting better.

You're yourself and that's a good thing. Losing and failing is part of life there's no need to be afraid of it. And, in any case not having a girl friend or 'being in a relationship' isn't a failure it's an opportunity to do interesting things without having to worry about the impact on someone else.

You mention western society. I agree with you in a lot of ways. If you've not read it have a read of Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. But more on that another time.

I must copy this before submitting it or it'll be another monumental failure by me!!

All the best

John. :D

LookUp1430
Posts: 11
Joined: Tue Aug 29, 2017 2:43 pm

Re: Always an Outcast

Postby LookUp1430 » Wed Mar 21, 2018 9:14 pm

"Just getting out is a difficult challenge, I felt so safe alone for so long it's a scary thought to be around those I don't know. Even though I know I have to be around them to help me grow as a person, it's just unnerving. Working up the courage to go out and be social is something I need to work on."

I can see that. Especially if your comfort zone is in isolation. But I'm not sure that is physically or spiritually healthy. Although people can be cruel and judgemental, there are places where people gather that are not that way, such as at community or fellowship type churches. They generally have small groups of accepting people that I'm sure would accept you too if you just stepped outside of your comfort zone for even a few minutes. Google or Yelp community or fellowship church to find one near you and give it a shot. You really don't have anything to lose but a whole lot to gain.

LittleThings
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2017 11:12 pm

Re: Always an Outcast

Postby LittleThings » Fri Mar 23, 2018 7:42 am

I don’t know what to do anymore. I read these responses, but I don’t think I can improve myself. I feel like I’m self destructing. I went to lunch by myself and saw a couple holding hands and it killed me on the inside. Something as small as that shouldn’t impact me so much, but it did. Nobody’s going to want a pathetic person like me. Can’t even keep my own self together. Maybe I don’t deserve companionship.

ImJohn
Posts: 47
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 7:42 am

Re: Always an Outcast

Postby ImJohn » Mon Mar 26, 2018 11:18 am

Hello LittleThings,

I think you're here because you're depressed.

The thing about depression isn't just that it makes you feel terrible but it also distorts your perceptions. From my own experience it gives you a very negative self-image and plants a belief in you that says you can't do anything right or worthwhile. But please look at the evidence as dispassionately as you can...

Look, it's like this, people are bothering to reply to you. And I know I do so because you are worthwhile and worth bothering with and I'm convinced (because of the evidence) that the other people who reply do so, partly at least, for the same reason.

To be posting here you had to do something. I mean you had to try. You had to do the search, you had to decide to post, you had to learn how to do that and you had to type the post in. You may not think that's very much but it is. And it most certainly isn't a pathetic thing to do. So if you're not behaving like a pathetic person then you're not a pathetic person. So you're not a world champion but nor am I and nor are 99.99999...% of the population. Heck, come to think of it you not only tried to post here but you succeeded! There's no arguing with that now is there. You're a success.

LittleThings, it's clear that you're a sensitive person and sensitive is good. You seem to me to be the sort of person people will come to if they're in need, I know I would. This sensitivity comes at a cost however; you get hurt easily.

So, you're looking for companionship, that's a good place to start; knowing you have to 'go out' and look not just site and wait. As you did when you decided to post here you're going to have to try a bit and, because you're sensitive, you'll feel hurt sometimes. The hurt is the cost (or the investment if you like) of going out and looking.

Good luck LittleThings. Keep trying - you never know, one day your investment may pay dividends. :D


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