Deep darkness

[lisalou]

I'm trying ken but there's not much strength left in me. I'm glad you like Harry Potter too mamasam,it's such wonderful escapism. they are having a bit of a Harry Potter season on one of the tv channels here in England and are showing all the films in order,one each saturday,so that's something i have to distract me for a bit.

I managed to sleep last night which i am so grateful for but i still feel really rough,i'm still getting over a heavy cold too and am weak from anxiety and not being able to eat much. I've lost 7 pounds in about nine days. I find it so hard and so painful to start each day. It just feels like there's nothing left of me to keep fighting. i have my assessment up at the day hospital at 3 o clock. the hospital is about an hour's bus ride away though and i know i'm gonna find it really hard to motivate myself to get there a lot of the time. once i know what i'm doing with the day hospital and when i start, i can talk to work about when i'll leave for a bit. I am really scared to go back to work but i need to talk about stuff face to face though and say goodbyes if that's what it will come to. my deputy manager was quite nasty to me when i phoned in sick even though i haven't been off for months and just said 'we'll speak to you when you get back'. she is a right b***h. she's never liked me

I'm trying to work up the energy and motivation to have a shower. I can barely face going to the toilet. I am almost reduced to crawling about. I am completely pathetic and i hate myself

[xn728]

im so glad you got some sleep lisa ,,at least it was a bit of respite ,,you know lisa you are going to feel better ,this will pass ,,and you will see some light and good in your life ,,listen to me ,,i of all people I should know ,,,you always think of me as having great strentgh to fight and come back from the darkness in my life ,,but you are strong to ,,to read how you feel today is very upsetting ,,but only because i cant do anything for you but give you kind words and encouragement ,believe me i do understand about the not feeling like getting showered or bathed etc ,,not be bothered about how i look sometimes ,,its just the illness lisa thats all ,your tired and fatiqued,,your body is saying come on lets go ,,but your brain is saying ohh no i cant do this today ,,,have strentgh in our words lisa ,,make that bus journey and we your freinds will be there with all the way ,a mountain it will be for you ,but when you return to the safety of home ,,look back and see how you conqured that mountain lisa ,
best wishes lisa safe journey ,,you may have already set off by now ,,take care ,while your not feeling well in town ,,,hugs (((((lisa)))))
lots of love ken ,,xxxxx ps glad theres lots of stuff on tv for you over the weekend ,,it will help you to feel better ,,,,xx

[Mich]

(((((Lisa)))))) My heart aches for you and I am so sad that I am able to do nothing but let you know that I am here and that I understand. I know you are going through absolute hell right now and if there was a way I could take that away, I would. I am surprised your doctor did not admit you to hospital yesterday because it certainly sounded like you were in very rough shape during your appointment. I wonder if you are at the point where a hospitalization would help you. What do you think about that? I am so worried about you and desperately want you to stay safe. You are probably at your day hospital appointment now. I really hope you come on line when you get home and let us know how it went. *hugs* and love, Mich.

[lisalou]

thanks ken,it really helped to pretend you guys were with me. you know on the bus there was this cool old rocker of an old man in his leather jacket and i thought ah kenny,that'll be you in thirty years,lol.

well i start my day hospital programme the week after next. it is a combination of art groups, anxiety management groups and one-to-ones with a key worker. not entirely sure how i feel about it yet. the woman assessing me was asking what do you think your depression is about and i got all tearful and frustrated,everyone keeps asking me why and i just dont know

very scared of discussing this with my employers on tuesday. it is a short term thing though,only up to twelve weeks so hopefully i will be allowed to come back. I will miss the children a lot

the idea of day hospital is to keep you out of hospital full-time so hopefully it won't come to that mich. i don't particularly want to leave the safety of home

gotta go,it's nearly dinner time. my appetite is coming back a bit. i don't want it to,i'm really pleased at all the weight i've lost

[xn728]

ahhh lisa thanks for letting us now you got there and back ok ,,mmm an old rocker hey ,,thanks lisa i would be a very happy old rocker if i live to be 81,,,,lol thats how old id be in 30 years , im glad you are going to get some help ,its hard when someone asks you why your depressed because we dont have that answer do we ,,you may start to feel better soon ,,sometimes the knowledge that there is something new to maybe help you can be enough to get you thinking on the right side of life again ,you deserve to be happy lisa ,,and ill be with you as long as you need me ,so many people care for you here ,you have always been very suportive of me ,and some of the things you have said to me have been so uplifting ,thankyou ,you have some rest ,and try and think how you could explain the way you feel when you start your sessions ,,,lisa i may be putting a hex on myself now ,but i would like to share this with you ,just so you may know theres hope ,,The Visitor is not visible to me ,hasnt been around for a few days now ,now this may not seem much to you ,i dont know how you view my visitor ,but to me this is a major event ,,we,ll see what happens ,,,ok lisa have a nice night after you busy day ,,hugs (((((lisa))))),,,dont feel alone lisa if you wake in the night ,i will carry some comfort to you and will bring a with me Goodnight lisa lots
of love ken xxx

[mamasam]

(((((((((((((Lisa)))))))))))))) so very glad to hear from you!! Wonderful news about your day program! I am sure your work will understand, they know what an asset you are to them and their main priority should be the health and well being of their employees... I am so glad to hear youe news about your appetite!!

[lisalou]

not a good day again, feel totally weak and helpless. I struggled with a bowl of porridge this morning (I lost) and now can't think of a single thing i can face doing

[lisalou]

still feel utterly bleak and completely drained of all lifeforce and energy. my brain just wont work. I don't feel i can keep going like this

[xn728]

heyyyy lisa ,,i know you feel crap lisa ,im really thinking good thoughts for you ,i hate to see you like this ,,i feel quilty about me feeling happy
while your like this ,,you will come back soon lisa ,i know ive been through it many times ,hang on in there lisa ,please im with you all the way ,,you will smile soon ,and you will see things more clearly ,,,,with you always lisa ,,,,hugs (((((lisa))))),,,,,lots of love ken ,,,,,night night xxx

[lisalou]

Still the same awfulness. I keep remembering a line from a poem by Robert Lowell that goes 'I myself am Hell'. I tried going out very briefly but the sunshine was just too much,aggressively cheerful and making the world seem even more fake and distant. It's an absolutely beautiful spring day out there but it can't touch me.

I found out yesterday that i won't even be able to claim statutory sick pay while i'm off work entirely on the hospital day programme. Everything just seems to be conspiring to make life even more difficult for me. I still feel too rough to eat,i've lost 9 pounds in weight and it's triggering off my anorexia again. it feels like - well i've got nothing else going for me at the moment but wow i can lose weight quickly!

I feel like this is going to be the end of me. I feel like i am completely disintegrating and going to disappear altogether

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((((((((Lisalou)))))))))))) BIG HUGS

I don't know how much support I can give because I am in a very dark place right now...but one thing I have done is cut back on the wellbutrin because think the increased dose was having counter-productive effect. Do you think your meds are making you worse? They do that sometimes.

I know what it is to be so upset you cannot eat....but like you encouraged me to do I am eating simple things like bananas to at least get some nutrition when I can do nothing else. I hear ya too on the sunshine annoying you...I know that feeling. The rest of the world seems happy and enjoying the day and it seems to intensify my pain...

How is your fiance being through this?

Hope the hospital program helps. Sorry to hear will mess up your pay, but if it helps you in the long run may keep you on your job or show you've tried everything if you need to apply for government benefits for not being able to work.

If you can do nothing else, can you just curl up with one of your kitties? Pet the kitty? Feel him or her purr?

Wishing you a little peace and comfort...

[xn728]

oh please lisa ,,carry on being strong ,,you are strong lisa you have been for me many times ,,im reaching out to you lisa ,,hear me call lisa please ,hang on and dont let go ,,you cannot grow weak and dissapear ,i wont let you do that ,,i will jump back into the darkness and come and find you ,,so many hugs ((((((lisa)))))),,,all your freinds here are hoping for you to get well ,,and we are all here to support you ,,like shatteredhopes says it could be those meds making you worse it has happened to me as you know ,,but dont do anything hasty till you have seen your doctor ,,,stay strong (((((lisa)))))
lots of love kenny pop,,xxxx

[Mich]

((((((Lisa))))))) Oh how it scares me to read that the demon anorexia has been stirred within you again. You must fight this hard. Malnutrition and rapid weight loss only make the depression worse. I know it likely won't be possible for you to eat any meals right now, but please try to get some snacks in you....some fruit, some wholegrain bread....whatever you can tolerate. Those bananas work wonders. I am so saddened to read of your despair. My words fail me now but please hang on...we all love you and need you here. There will be brighter days...please trust me on this. Love, your big sis, Mich.

[lisalou]

shatteredhopes,it means so much to me that you have replied when you are so ill yourself. mark is being kind to me but is also quite distant, he is going off and doing his own thing most of the time,keeping busy to keep away from me. I think the new meds are making me feel worse in terms of the nausea but the depression has been this bad since quite a while before i started on them. The cats are being sweet and it is a simple comfort to have one sitting on my lap

mich, i managed to eat some fish and vegetables. they are low in calories and the nausea seems to be a bit better by the evening (prob cos i take my agomelatine at night)

I am too exhausted to satay up at the computer anymore but I wish you all a good night

Lisa xxx

[lisalou]

another day of misery,i can't believe i'm still alive. it hurts to be conscious. i can barely be bothered to move. my head is a blank,i'm a zombie yet my thoughts are also so anguished. mark keeps asking me what it is that's got me so bad at the moment and i DONT F***ING KNOW,he is as frustrated with me as i am frustrated with myself. i dont see an end to this i really dont. but i also want to make myself suffer like this,suffer even more,because i hate myself so much