Deep darkness

[xn728]

well another day comes to an end lisa ,i hope it wasnt to bad for you ,,,
keep yourself safe hugs (((lisa))),,, goodnight, love kenny pop xx

[lisalou]

Thank you so much for your support my friends, i really appreciate it. It has been another awful day. I feel so low and weak i can barely move. i have been crying a lot the last couple of days which i suppose is a kind of progress but now more than ever i feel the awful chest rending PAIN. new meds are still not doing anything but the nausea,sleep disturbances and dodgy tummy continue. work has been unbearable and one of my colleagues has been particularly s***ty with me and making me feel ignored and that nothing i do is good enough. do these people not realise it's enough of an achievement for me to speak? to be up and washed and dressed and 'functioning' for three hours? I may have to be signed off altogether for a bit anyway if i am going on this day hospital programme. will probably lose my job altogether then. how we would cope with the loss of earnings is beyond me. things are so tough already. our relationship is really suffering again because i am so miserable and withdrawn and 'not here' as Mark puts it

i cant keep going on like this. it is unendurable

[mamasam]

((((((Lisa)))))))) I am so sorry for your pain. You are doing as i am...functioning and doing it with all the pain and agony i am...i feel so much for you now... I wish we knew a magic spell to zap it away ..haha, fat chance on that ! We are the chosen few who have to struggle for ever bit of happiness and beauty in our lives, when we appreciate so very much the little things, so why must we suffer? I am hoping for the best with you....Mark sounds like he loves you and is trying to understand and be patient, grab his "olive branch" and hang on !

[lisalou]

hiya mamasam, really nice to meet you, thank you for your kind words

well it's 5.35am uk time and i've been awake since about 2.30. this is hell,absolute hell. I simply can't do anything today. I'm not going into work. I don't even know if i will ever go back. I have my assessment with the day hospital on thursday so we'll see what we can work out. I know my doctor will sign me off,most people can't believe i have been working the way i am. my salary is so bad that sick pay is about the same!! as for long-term welfare benefits it doesn't look hopeful so i will probably have to go back to work after a month or two

but i cant make these sort of decisions at 5.30 in the morning. I feel so exhausted yet can't cant back to sleep. feel so sick from lack of sleep and my new meds. the last few days i have literally had to focus on standing up. i can't live like this. the depression is so bad it takes my breath away

[mamasam]

(((((((U))))))))) poor thing... i have been there , trust me, this past year has aged me so badly from lack of sleep, depression, not eating, stress... I wish i were more vain, haha then i would love myself too much to worry about things and let them keep me up at night. It's 1:14 am here in USA... I volunteered to work over 2 hours and i am sleepy tonight...thank goodness! Let's just hope that when i finally get in bed all of the depressing thoughts will stay away long enough to get some decent rest. I was up almost every hour on the hour last night... unable to breathe as you are now. I think my body is just so worn out it kept trying to sleep...i have my fingers crossed for tonight. I wish you well..

[xn728]

Morning lisa ,sorry to see your very bad this morning ,,having a break from work may make you feel a little less under pressure ,,i know you will feel worryied about money ,,but you cant push yourself to hard ,i would always feel guilty about being off ,,but fran would always tell me as long as we had each other she didnt care if we had to live on beans for the rest of our lives she didnt care as long as she has me ,,lol,,i hope the hospital meeting goes ok ,,my doc wants me to try therepy again ,but im not keen ,,ill think about it ,,,you try to have a rest from work ,,i know the strain of having to fuction at work ,,and having to try and seem chatty with work freinds to ,,everyone asking how i am ,,and saying oh fine thanks ,,when really i just want to scream noooo i feel like bloody crap ,,ohhhh lisa i wish i could make you laugh right now ,,well do that soon again it will do us all good ,,,im gonna take my tablets now with a nice cup of tea ,,then have a little lay on the sofa in the kitchen here ,,,the birds are singing outside lisa just getting light here quite relaxing really ,,maybe its a little gift for us ,,can you hear them at all ,,,,you take care (((((lisa))))),,,you are much loved here and i value your company and freindship very dearly ,,,,hope to talk later
hugs (((lisa))),,lots of love ken xxx,,,,,,,,,milk and sugar lisa ?

[Mich]

((((((Lisa)))))) I am so sorry....so so sorry. This pain is terrible, I know. I think you should take some time off work. You are too ill to work right now. I hope the Day Programme seems like something you can do. It is likely important that you get out of the house each day to prevent yourself from isolating too much. Plus you will be able to relate to people face-to-face that suffer this dreadful illness. I feel so helpless....I wish there was something I could do to help you. I am so glad you are writing here. We all want to send our love and support you. Hang on, dear sister - - try to do something small to make yourself feel a bit better...I know that is so hard and next to impossible sometimes but even brushing your teeth or your hair might help a bit. Thinking of you lots....love Mich

[lisalou]

thanks again guys, i love you all so much. I did manage to take a shower mich is one thing i've managed to do for myself that made me feel a little nicer at the time. I am struggling to survive hour by hour. anything else is too much. I simply cannot cope with how bad i am feeling

got to go,the nausea and exhaustion are so bad i can barely sit upright at the computer

[xn728]

(((((lisa))))),,,close your eyes and see me stood by your side ,,,,,,,,
a big hug ((((((((((((((((((lisa)))))))))))))))))))),,im so sorry for your suffering ,,,im with you at all times ,,,,lots of love ken xxx

[lisalou]

don't hug me too hard ken, i might poo, LOL, the new meds are doing wonders for my IBS! can't face much in the way of food. thank you for being with me. I imagined you as I have seen you in your pictures on the forum

have a doctors appointment in an hour which was actually just for getting some more of my contraceptive pill originally but will be good timimn to be able to see my doctor and have a talk. as for contraceptives,i don't particularly need them at the moment seeing as sex is the last thing on my mind these days and i look so vile and unkempt that i am my own contraceptive

really cant do much of anything today,i am just flopped on the sofa. am at pretty much rock bottom

[xn728]

oh my god (((lisa))) thats it ,weve found the problem ,,stop imagineing
me on those pictures ,,im sure you feel better very quickly ,,LOL,,,,,,
seriously though ,words are easy to say but you know im wishing you to get better ,,have a word with the doctor ,may help a little ,,i know what you mean about the i,b,s ,,the cocodamol have that bunging effect to ,,
stick with the meds for a while if you can ,,(ive got a nerve havent i )but they may work soon ,,ok lisa ,try to let us know how you get on ,dont worry if you dont feel like posting though its ok and as for looking vile and unkept ,,mmmm you look fine to me lisa and you could never be vile ,,stay very safe lisa keep reaching out were always here ,,,,hugs (((((lisa))))),,,lots of love ken xxx

[lisalou]

well i basically cried and shook my way through my doctors appointment, i am beside myself,i am so depressed yet so agitated now,keep having really big uncontrollable crying fits and really strong self destructive urges,feeling i cant live in my own head much more. have been given some mental health phonelines for over the easter holidays which i think i'm gonna need. it feels like hell itself is going in in my mind,it really does

[xn728]

I feel so bloody hopeless that i cant offer you more than words lisa ,its terrible to feel the way you do ,i dont know what to tell you to do to help you ,,mainly because when i get like that i just shut down ,and try to listen to music ,,it think you have an interest in a lot of tv stuff maybe you can find distraction in that ,i dont know lisa my dear freind ,i havent got any answers only questoins as to why you should be struck so harshly ,im here in the dark lisa ,standing with you ,always hoping for the storm to pass ,,can i ask this of you lisa ,,hard as it is just now ,,banish those thoughts of harm from your mind ,,this is exactly what the darkness wants you to think ,,get rid of those thoughts lisa ,turn your back on the darkness and it will feel pain at its failure ,,,please take care lisa ,,let me be some strentgh for you ,,never cause yourself harm ,a million voices would cry out if you hurt yourself ,,,,,Goodnight hugs ((((((((lisa))))))))
please lord let you sleep well ,,lots of love ken xxx

[xn728]

Morning lisa im still here with you lisa ,,the will i have to make you feel better is strong ,,you be strong to ,,hugs (((((lisa))))),,,love ken xxx

[mamasam]

(((((((((((((((Lisa))))))))))))) I am thinking of you!! Hoping and wishing somehow your pain will subside...even if briefly to give you some rest. You are surrounded by so many wonderful people here , such loving personalities, it's so sad the world is not made up of more people such as the ones who frequent these forums...I am sending you my bestest of wishes and energy. I love Harry potter as well, read all the books, watched all of the movies...for some reason, it does help to watch good conquer evil. I hope your good is conquering this evil depression trying to consume your life.