Deep darkness

Everyday life. How was your day?

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lisalou
Posts: 722
Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2009 1:48 pm
Location: Brighton, England

Deep darkness

Postby lisalou » Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:48 pm

I am struggling so much these days,the depression is really severe now,I am so listless and feel so numb and empty and yet am hurting so much. I feel absolutely weighed down by pure despair. I feel very little attachment for anyone or anything and no hope. My energy and motivation range from bad to piss-poor.

My relationship with Mark is struggling again because i just can't relate to anyone or bear being around him or anybody. Even my beloved cats just annoy me now most of the time. I am isolating really badly.

My psychiatrist and support worker are concerned about me as I have been suicidal distant and monosyllabic in most of our last meetings. They are phoning me in between appointments and encouraging me to take up a day hospital programme but i am not keen,i know friends who went and said it was such a depressing environment they felt even worse! Also i just want to be on my own these days and find it hard enough to engage in the appointments i do have right now. I think i am beyond help at the moment

I feel very invisible at work,apart from my two friends everyone just ignores me and never ask how i am. My boss never asks how i feel,how i am getting on or if i want to continue with this reduced hours arrangement despite knowing i am suffering from severe depression. I've had no support since i returned to work 5 months ago and they have given my full time job away to someone else without even checking with me (not that i could do full time again in a million years) It is almost impossible doing the little work that i do now and more and more i think why bother. things are so bad financially though

My new antidepressant isn't doing anything yet other than giving me nausea and stomach pain. At least I'm not quite as sedated as i was on mirtazipine and can wake a little easier but am still sleeping at least ten hours a night and yet am always exhausted. I think sleep is my only escape

I will stop now, i don't want to keep dragging anyone else further down with me

Love to all

Lisa

Mich
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Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2009 6:44 am
Location: Canada

Postby Mich » Thu Mar 25, 2010 6:24 am

((((((Lisa)))))) I am so sad that you are in such a bad place right now. I know that place well and can understand how much you are suffering. I am glad your health care team is checking on you in between appts. You must continue to go to your appts....please! I know that every task, when you are like this, seems impossible but you are NOT beyond help and must continue to seek it. I wish that darn anti D would kick in and actually help you. How many weeks has it been now? I am very concerned about you. Please please protect your safety and do what you need to in order to be safe. I know it's hard to write but I hope you can keep letting us know how you are doing. Love Mich.
Mich

TackingIntoTheWind
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Location: South Wales

Postby TackingIntoTheWind » Thu Mar 25, 2010 1:57 pm

Sorry that you're feeling so wretched at the moment (((( lisalou )))). :cry: I know how it can feel when you're feeling so awful that you feel absolutely overwhelmed, as if you might just grind to a halt and disappear at any moment, without anyone even noticing...... :cry:
But as Mr Spock once said to Lt. Sulu in a crisis situation: " Survival procedures, Mr. Sulu..."
First of all, remember that you are NOT beyond help :!: ( Well, no more beyond help than anyone who has had the misfortune to be born English!!!! Sorry, only kidding, couldn't resist...And, we Welsh people are famous for our tendency to overcompensate due to our insecurity!!!! :oops: :? :wink: )
Seriously though folks, as (((( Mich )))) said, please protect yourself, sometimes it IS enough just to keep yourself " ticking over ", but please take steps to do that, however difficult it may feel.
I would ask you to please keep any medical appointments that you may have, that way at least you'll be interacting with " the world " to some extent. I know that this WILL feel counterintuitive. However, I know from my own experience of isolation as a depression trigger, that however much I may feel like pulling the duvet over my head and shutting out the world, isolation will just amp up my anxiety and depression.
However, ( Again! I'm so going to have to work on brevity! :oops: ), you might well be wise not to interact with " the world " more than you feel comfortable with, or in ways that you don't feel comfortable with.
I must admit that work can be a difficult place for me sometimes, as someone suffering from depression/anxiety. So, I'm not sure that I can really advise you about that with any confidence. Fortunately, my manager and colleagues have been supportive of me. However, a colleague of mine who is also depressed, has not been able to get the " professional " help that I had, and has therefore been coping less well in the workplace, and is currently off work on sick leave. And, hearing some of the things that people say about her can make me feel rather vulnerable sometimes. I know it's because some of her behaviour has been inappropriate and off-putting for them at times, but I can't help wondering sometimes. if that's what they say about her when she's not here, what might they be saying about me, when I'm not there......? :( :?
Anyway, enough of my insecurity or we'll be here all day.... :oops: :wink:
If you've been " officially " diagnosed with depression, I'm wondering if you might be covered by the Disabilty Discrimination Act? Is there a trade union at your place of work, and if so are you a member? I'm wondering if a union might be able to advise you about support at work?
( Perhaps I'm being cynical and unfair to my employer, but I have a sneaking suspicion that if I hadn't been in PCS and they hadn't had the DDA at the back of their minds, might my employers, as an organisation, been less understanding of my medical position when I was off-work. :? :cry: )
Eg, if you wanted to stay on reduced hours, might this be something a union might be able to help you with? Just a few thoughts.......
Although, I AM GENUINELY IMPRESSED that you can hold down a job at the moment feeling as bad as you do feel at the moment. I'm all too uncomfortably aware of how I struggle just to go through the motions of my job at times, when " the dark clouds roll in " and I feel weighed down with futility. So the fact that you're keeping yourself " in the game " at all in your workplace is a REAL achievement. Give yourself some credit :!:
Last of all, In the unlikely event that you haven't passed out from the sheer tedium of this post! :oops: :wink: ), please DON'T worry about " dragging anyone else further down ". PLEASE keep posting if it helps you. This site would be somewhat splendidly pointless if people only posted when they felt cheerful, wouldn't it? :? :wink:
Seriously, take care of yourself, as an at least semi-civilized English person, you are a rare and valuable commodity!!!!!!!! ( Only kidding... :lol: :roll: :wink: )
Captain Adelaide Brooke, holding a weapon on The Doctor: " State your name, rank and intention. "
The Doctor: " The Doctor, doctor, fun. "
Doctor Who: The Waters Of Mars

lisalou
Posts: 722
Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2009 1:48 pm
Location: Brighton, England

Postby lisalou » Thu Mar 25, 2010 5:25 pm

this will have to be brief as i am exhausted and almost completely non-functional but i just wanted to thank both of you,my friends for your loving replies.

I had a really shocking night's sleep. Kept waking briefly throughout the night and then have been up for good since 5. I suspect it might be another joy of agomelatine. If it doesn't wear off in a few weeks i will quit it because i am feeling desperately bad enough at the moment without lack of sleep too. That's something that was finally better after long hard types of classically depressed early morning waking. I'd forgotten how awful it feels to try to function with severe depression AND insomnia!

Only been on the tablets a few days Mich which is why i'm getting all the joy of side effects - still have a dodgy stomach too - but no benefits yet. i dont feel that optimistic as i have tried so many medications. i'm really wondering if it's worth putting all these chemicals in my body

Still feel so so low and bleak and cut off from everything. my support worker was supposed to phone today and didn't,i feel let down,no answer when i tried to call back. No-one hardly ever answers the phone at our mental health service. it's ridiculous

right,back to the sofa i go.....

Lisa xxx

shatteredhopes
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Location: U.S.

Postby shatteredhopes » Thu Mar 25, 2010 7:30 pm

(((((((((((((Lisalou))))))))))) BIG HUGS! I know the darkness you speak of and can't really offer much in the way of comfort as I know when it is that bad there's not much you can do other than just hang on and cope each moment as best you can...

One thing I noticed is that when I first started the wellbutrin and again on going up on dosage I am even more severely depressed than before...sometimes that happens with psych meds they induce or exacerbate the condition they are aimed at treating in some people...often though this is just during an adjustment period as chemicals and receptors are in flux...so glad you are in touch regularly with your mental health professionals as would hate to see medicine have worse effect over long haul and they can monitor and see if maybe try something different.

Anyway, just letting you know I care and wish there was something I could do for you...but I am listening.

Wishing you light and peace in your day...
"Sorrow floats" John Irving

lisalou
Posts: 722
Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2009 1:48 pm
Location: Brighton, England

Postby lisalou » Fri Mar 26, 2010 4:27 am

hiya shatteredhopes, really nice to read your reply of typical warmth and wisdom!

I had a nightmare last night which woke me at 4,then dozed fitfully till about 6. Have woken like a bear with a sore head - tired, nauseous, depressed and irritable (the remaining three of the seven dwarves are Tearful, Moody and Withdrawn!!!!)

I think the change in meds is definitely not helping but i also know i have been partcularly ill again the last month or so. I can't pinpoint why. Most of my sessions with my psychiatrist or support worker i just seem to say 'I don't know...I don't know' like a broken record,words and explanations have left me

It's a lovely sunny day out there but it doesn't help. nothing seems to help or mean anything any more

Hope you have a better day

Lots of love, Lisa x

rachelsnv
Posts: 10
Joined: Thu Mar 25, 2010 1:37 am

Postby rachelsnv » Fri Mar 26, 2010 5:37 am

lisalou wrote:this will have to be brief as i am exhausted and almost completely non-functional but i just wanted to thank both of you,my friends for your loving replies.

I had a really shocking night's sleep. Kept waking briefly throughout the night and then have been up for good since 5. I suspect it might be another joy of agomelatine. If it doesn't wear off in a few weeks i will quit it because i am feeling desperately bad enough at the moment without lack of sleep too. That's something that was finally better after long hard types of classically depressed early morning waking. I'd forgotten how awful it feels to try to function with severe depression AND insomnia!

Only been on the tablets a few days Mich which is why i'm getting all the joy of side effects - still have a dodgy stomach too - but no benefits yet. i dont feel that optimistic as i have tried so many medications. i'm really wondering if it's worth putting all these chemicals in my body

Still feel so so low and bleak and cut off from everything. my support worker was supposed to phone today and didn't,i feel let down,no answer when i tried to call back. No-one hardly ever answers the phone at our mental health service. it's ridiculous

right,back to the sofa i go.....

Lisa xxx


Well, it will be better for you dear to just keep your self out of all as try to do it, I know it is not that easy but if you will try you will definitely come out of this, you know when time is wrong everything goes wrong so it is important to just take proper care of you by not thinking too much. See, there are lot of troubles in life that people are facing in their lives, but still they are living so, always try to boost your mind into positive side of life, if your friends are not talking to you then let it be, dont think about them and if some thing wrong is going in your relationship then it will be better for you to just leave it up to time as time is a biggest heeler and one thing I wanted to tell you that please, dont levy your self on anything and try to put your self in positive orra also, have faith in yourself. One day everything will be good dear, it is the friendly advice I am giving you that dont let situation overrule you.

By doing this or opting this in your life you will definitely get recover soon as it is my personal experience I am telling you, be strong, face the situation and some out of depression.


TC
Thanks :)

Mich
Posts: 869
Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2009 6:44 am
Location: Canada

Postby Mich » Fri Mar 26, 2010 7:15 am

((((((Lisa))))))) I am very disappointed in your support worker for not calling. I wish I could kick her a#@ and tell her how critical those calls are. Maybe I should give her the benefit of the doubt and say perhaps she was sick at home that day.
I understand how dreadful you are feeling...I really do. I wish you didn't have the pressure of work. Can you apply for the disability benefits as tacking suggested?
I wish I had the gift of the words....all I can say is please hang on. The darkness will ease. There are many of us here who love and support you. Do anything you can to nurture yourself just a little. Please make sure you are eating and hydrating enough. I know how it seems like a monumental task to get up and eat something but...please try. How about having one of your favorite bananas? I have been eating those lately due to your suggestion.
Take good care....I hope you can keep writing.
Mich

lisalou
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Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2009 1:48 pm
Location: Brighton, England

Postby lisalou » Sat Mar 27, 2010 8:31 am

thank you very much for your support rachel and mich. i am taking my own advice and eating bananas!

I am so utterly wiped out today and have a bad cold on top of everything. feelimg sick from the new meds still. managed to sleep a little better. I just can't face doing much of anything today and so i won't. I did manage to wash my hair for the first time in ages and they are showing one of the Harry Potter films later on tv here in England. I shall probably curl up and watch that later,indulge my inner child,it's about all i can concentrate on

Had a letter come through this morning referring me for an assessment for the day hospital programme. haven't heard very good things about the place. I just want to be at home most of the time anyway

I can really relate to what shatteredhopes wrote before about being beyond tears. I feel like I need to cry,i feel so awful,but it's just all stuck,i'm so numb and heavy and dead inside

Can't focus much more on writing

Bye for now

Lisa x

Mich
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Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2009 6:44 am
Location: Canada

Postby Mich » Sat Mar 27, 2010 10:19 am

(((((Lisa))))) Yes...that feeling of a big avalanche of tears being stuck inside...I feel that way too.
Your plan to curl up and watch Harry Potter sounds like a good one. I read most of the books...maybe all of them....but I have never watched one of the movies. I hope it brings you some comfort. *hugs*
Mich

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xn728
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Joined: Tue Apr 21, 2009 3:34 pm
Location: united kingdom yorkshire

((((LISA ))))I WILL CATCH YOUR FALL XX

Postby xn728 » Sat Mar 27, 2010 2:54 pm

ahhhh (((((lisa))))),,you suffer so badly ,your pain makes me weep , to know that pain so well ,no sleep the next horrible day comes so quickly ,to go on and on like this just tires us out ,my freinds taken one by one and made to suffer like this ,pepole not understanding you at work feeling a loss with mark ,and even not having the love of your pets ,,it has made you blind indeed lisa ,because all these things are still with you ,it is only that you cant see or feel them ,,everyone here loves you lisa ,,what a nice warm word that is so simple but so sincere ,and just seen in a breif note can sometimes be a little gift ,to give a little lift for someone who has fallen down ,,so come lisa let me lift you up ,thats better you dont belong down there ,in the darkness look around lisa and see the light and the hope that surrounds you ,the darkness has had you for to long ,and has kept you hidden from life giving light you need so much ,i myself have suffered much these last four weeks ,but i cant let you suffer like this without talking to you ,and telling you how important your freindship is to me ,i wont let you be beaten lisa ,all i can offer is words but they come from the heart ,and they come from knowing the very pain you talk of ,as hard as it will be lisa you will beat this ,and you will have better days soon ,mark loves you ,he confused by what he sees but i know he loves you ,,and the cats ,they know how you feel lisa ,you know cats they are all knowing im sure ive had enough cats in my life to know that ,im sorry for going on lisa ,,shall i just compress this into a few words ,,ok here goes (everyone loves you lisa ,you have no choice but to fight and i will be at your side as long as you need me )hugs (((((lisa))))),,lots of love ,now reach out lisa and i will catch your fall ,,ken xxxxx
My lovely wife Fran ,is my whole life ,and in her pain she has supported and never questioned mine ,I must make hers happy and as painless as i have in my power ,,Fran i love you so much ,never doubt it my love ,,,Forever,Boo,,,
xxxxxxxxxx,,

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crystalgaze
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Postby crystalgaze » Mon Mar 29, 2010 12:13 pm

((((((((((((( lisa ))))))))))))))) You are having a rough time there.... I hope you feel better soon! It will pass??? Yeah, I think it will. Keep your head up girl! You can do it!
~Crystal

I'm not exactly digging myself out of the hole but creating a tunnel to get out another way. Throwing dirt from one end of the pit to the other isn't going to get me anywhere. Instead, I'll create my own path.

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xn728
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Location: united kingdom yorkshire

hope your feeling better

Postby xn728 » Mon Mar 29, 2010 2:21 pm

hi lisa hope you may be feeling a little better ,the weather has been terrible here ,,rain all day ,,i wish i could say more to make you feel better lisa ,,just be safe ,,bye for now ,,hugs (((((hugs lisa ))))),,,,,
lots of love ken xxx
My lovely wife Fran ,is my whole life ,and in her pain she has supported and never questioned mine ,I must make hers happy and as painless as i have in my power ,,Fran i love you so much ,never doubt it my love ,,,Forever,Boo,,,

xxxxxxxxxx,,

Mich
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Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2009 6:44 am
Location: Canada

Postby Mich » Mon Mar 29, 2010 2:47 pm

(((((Lisa))))) I hope today has been a better day for you. I hope you are finding a way to get some comfort....if I was there I would really look after you. You must keep fighting and looking for the light. It is there; sometimes we just have to look harder.
Mich

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xn728
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Joined: Tue Apr 21, 2009 3:34 pm
Location: united kingdom yorkshire

out of the darkness

Postby xn728 » Tue Mar 30, 2010 2:14 am

please let my dear freind (((((lisa))))) step out of the darkness and see some light ,,hugs (((lisa))),,,love ken xx
My lovely wife Fran ,is my whole life ,and in her pain she has supported and never questioned mine ,I must make hers happy and as painless as i have in my power ,,Fran i love you so much ,never doubt it my love ,,,Forever,Boo,,,

xxxxxxxxxx,,


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