Struggling for hope

[shatteredhopes]

Well last night I had a rough conversation with my mom. She invited me again to Thanksgiving with my older brother; he hurt me very badly, and I have not spoken to him in years. He feels no remorse, so I just need to stay away and protect my fragile mental health. Then today, I had to go pay the rest of my bills. It was cold and rainy out, so I reached under a pile of clothes for a jacket, and to the floor fell an item of my ex's clothing. I cried last night and tonight, have been so drained and lethargic, unable to do almost anything.

I noticed Christmas wrap when I went into a store to pay a bill, and I started to get upset, but held it together. Thanksgiving is coming up in the US and it is the anniversary of a traumatic event, and I will be alone. I don't know how I'm gunna get through it. Christmas has always been rough for me. I don't know how I'm gunna get through it, either.

To top it off, one of my friends is not taking or returning my phone calls. I know he wanted a romance, and I said no given how messed up I am right now, that would be disastrous. I don't know if he has written me off, or something is going on with him and in his life, and he's just been tied up a while.

Fortunately, another friend consoled me last night after the conversation with my mom. And there's a chance another person I know has a ticket for me to go to a function Saturday night that I wanted to go to but could not afford. I just am so afraid of hoping for anything, for fear of disappointment, but need hope in something to continue on.

I am going to have to find something, some plan, something to hope for, to get me through the holidays. Any ideas? I will be alone, and was previously counting on spending Christmas with my boyfriend and being able to talk to him throughout the day on Thanksgiving.

[xn728]

my freind s/hopes ,please i can say nothing of your pain for your lost loves ,but all i can do now is walk with you in this pain ,i carry much pain myself now ,i think i would be better of in the pit forever with xn ,i leave him there because i have no wish to carry on ,but this is the least i can do for you my ,dear dear freind ,please go on with your journey ,dont let my failure ,but you off ,so today i will come and share your pain ,i dont like xmas either the joy of it all kills me ,if you walk today and you will see only one set of footprints ,dont think i have left you ,the footprints are mine ,as i carry you through this day ,thankyou for being a freind ,something i dont have in the world my body walks in ,,,,,,,stand up,,s/hopes ,,,,,ken,,,,,,,i miss you all my freinds ,,,,,and it hurts

[Mich]

I think you are wise to avoid the Thanksgiving celebration with your brother if it is just too painful for you. Why put yourself through that when you are feeling so fragile? Will you get together with just your mom on one of the days of the Thanksgiving holiday? It pains me to think of you physically alone but please know you will never be totally alone as we are here everyday to be with you. Two things I have always wanted to do at Thanksgiving or Christmas is to either volunteer at our local food bank or go help serve food at a place where they do special holiday dinners for homeless people. This may be too much of a sad thing to do and that is why I have never done it. One of these years I will get up the courage. How come you will not spend Christmas with your mom? Is it because your brother will also be there for that holiday?
I am glad you had a friend to reach out to yesterday. That is a wonderful blessing. I hope the tickets come through for you and you are able to get out this weekend and enjoy an event. It would be really good for you.

[crybaby1086]

I think volenteering at a good back or soup kitchen would be a wonderful idea for christmas and thanks giving. You will be helping other people less fortuanate and it should go along way to help improve your self esteem. Or maybe volenteer at an animal shelter for those days. They are most likely short staffed during the holidays and could probly use the help.

[shatteredhopes]

Like you (((((Mich))))) I find it too sad and upsetting. That's the way I am with most direct service volunteer work, I have to limit myself more to organizing and such, I've learned. I admire those who can, and I had helped with organizing a Christmas charity function to feed people in need in the past.

My sister has a few times invited me over for Christmas Eve dinner. It is a blessing, but it also is so hard to go home and during, to see her beautiful family reminds me how much I always wanted a family...the family I always longed for and never got. I don't know if she'll invite me or if I can handle it if she does. She generally treats me like an inferior being and inviting me is like her charity project for the holidays.

I am sure I will see my mom at some point over the holidays, but the time alone is what I'm trying to make a plan for. Maybe I'll spring for some bubble bath, and popcorn and soda pop and just watch movies.

I used to love Christmas, but ever since my divorce, it has been one of my worst times. I gave away my artificial pre-lit tree to a family. I have lots of decorations in storage, and couldn't bear the thought of getting them out.

I know I should just be grateful for what I have, I have just suffered so much loss in recent years, and am grieving...

[Mich]

Shatteredhopes - I will be here over the holidays. I will not let you be alone. I am determined to stay out of hospital this year as it is too upsetting to my kids. Popcorn and movies sounds like a good option...perhaps some new movies plus some of your old faves. I wish I could be there with you in person so you weren't alone. You are in my thoughts today.

[xn728]

s/hopes listen to mich ,what kind things she says ,we are all so far away from each other yet we could not be closer ,everyday i walk around ,doing whatever i must to get trough the day ,all my freinds are in my thought s so it is not possible to be alone ,think this way my freinds it does help .and to mich ,dont end up in hospital mich ,i know its so hard but dont think of it ,if its in your mind your visitor ,may turn it agaainst you ,thanks mich ,,,,,,,my dear freinds ,,sisters ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ken

[crybaby1086]

s/hopes, mich, ken and everyone. I will be here all though the holidays as well. So we will all have some special company on those days, no need to feel lonely. I think of everyone often during the day.

[shatteredhopes]

Well, I went to the event. I felt like I had a big sign on my forehead that said "LOSER." I had an okay time, but now am just feeling so bad. I had a conversation with a woman who asked "What do you do?" I told her writer (which I haven't had the courage to attempt in a while) and struggling with health issues. She asked me what was wrong with my health, so I just told her the physical stuff...I am so ashamed of my mental illness. I feel like a leper, and society often treats us that way. Such a stigma.

I am going through menopause on top of everything, it looks like.

I really believed for all I had lost, a good and loving God sent my ex so I could have some kind of future. Now, I have nothing to hope for. And if there was anything, I'd be scared to hope for fear of hurt and disappointment, given all I have gone through.

I am approaching 50. I have made nothing of my life. I am alone. I will never have the family I always longed for. Between physical and mental disability, I may never be able to work in a normal capacity again. Even if I could meet a suitable man who was interested, I am terrified of risking my heart again. I was alone for a decade after my divorce, but life stripped of all meaning, I decided to talk a chance on love. He just used me because he needed SOMEONE, not wanted me...and he's already moved on to someone else. It hurts. My self-esteem and confidence are so low right now.

Last night, the speaker walked by my table and said to me "Smile, its a celebration." I didn't realize it til lately just how much I display a furrowed brow and frown. My face is wrinkling according to the grimace I wear. My eyes don't seem to have the light in them they used to. I feel like a walking shell...inhabited by pain, a longing for what could or might have been, and a bitterness about things that have happened. I am just existing. And fear what blows "life" will hand me next.

[dandelion]

shatteredhopes, i am sorry, i wish i have something to say, but do remember that you are in my thoughts

((((((((((((((( shatteredhopes ))))))))))))))))))

dandelion

[davidf]

It can be a lonely time,the seasonal period as i am myself alone having lost my son and wife,this will be the first xmas alone but you know what,as in all life matters,it is how you think that will determine the outcome.I am alone but i will NOT be lonely,i will have no decorations or special food but i will be contemplating the millions of people who have nothing,lost everything,the sufferers of depression,illness and in general the shit parts of this thing we cherish....life.Change the thoughts you have,you NEVER have a bad feeling/mood without having a bad thought first.Cherish yourself and as hard as it is think of positives,think of your journey to get to this day and be proud that you stand(all be it shakily) but stand today fighting and surviving.My heart aches for the pained people who suffer like i do but we are special,we deserve the right to find happiness and we will.

I cried because i had no shoes until i saw a man with no feet

be strong and do not search for happiness it will find you in time and then and only then you will realise you had it all the time

xxxxxxx

[lisalou]

shatteredhopes my friend, maybe make a list of all the things you HAVE achieved so far in your life and maybe think of a couple of small, reasonable goals you can work towards over the next couple of years? as for being menopausal i know that soya products help boost your oestrogen levels naturally, think you can get it as a supplement in health food stores as well as having soya mince, soya milk etc

[shatteredhopes]

((Dandelion)) thanks for the support.

((davidf)) I spent my entire adult life working for charity in both a paid and volunteer capacity. I concluded what I can do is just a drop in the bucket and while there are caring people, most in a real position to do something won't or don't care. I am very disillusioned and can't allow myself to think about all the suffering in the world too much, as it depresses me and makes me feel more hopeless and helpless. I do what little I can when I can, but other than that I can't allow myself to think about it too much. My dreams were to do some things on a big scale to help others, and I nearly destroyed myself pursing them and failed. I am sending the last idea to an elected official I know who could help make them a reality, but unlikely he will help, because I am a nobody in a nowhere town with no money no power no influence, so its unlikely to go anywhere. Maybe when the last vestage of my dreams has failed, I will be free.

((Lisalou)) I don't know what goals to set. Nothing matters much anymore, and I feel hopeless. Nothing I've accomplished feels worthwhile compared to the need.

Yesterday was a mixed bag of emotion. I went with my mom to lunch. While there ran into a Minister I know from charity work, and introduced him to my mom. He said something nice about me and said she must be very proud of me. I almost cried. I always felt although my mom loves me, she is ashamed of me. All my siblings are successful with families and good jobs and I'm a mentally ill mess. She has been critical of me at times and when and if I do accomplish something, she never compliments me. I don't know why in middle-age I still want her approval, but I do.

Then, I was driving her car and when I picked her up, we saw someone had scrapped their door against her car and left paint marks. I felt like it was my fault and although she didn't blame me, I felt terrible. Then I helped her with her grocery shopping. She was buying all this stuff for Thanksgiving dinner, and I was so sad. I know he's her son, but I feel like she chooses my brother over me.

I am not suicidal at the moment, I just wish I didn't have to live, or had something that made living worthwhile. Plus, I'm so drained and sleeping a lot from the Wellbutrin.

[Mich]

Shatteredhopes - it pains me to hear you call yourself a nobody. You are not a nobody. You are a wonderful, caring human being who has a lot to give this world. You are a wonderful friend and I am so glad I met you. You have spent your whole working life working for charities and that shows how giving you are towards others and how much you care for others. Your efforts are not in vain. Your work matters and it makes a difference. I am thinking more and more about volunteering at my hospital because of you.
While I am glad that you are not suicidal, I am sorry that you are feeling so much pain. It is now Wednesday - do you have anything planned for today? Perhaps both of us should make an effort today to do something to try and make us feel better. I wish I could make things better for you or even say something to lighten your day a little bit. Please know that I am thinking of you and hoping that you update again today. *hugs*

[Monty]

shatteredhopes,

It seems like I feel that same way as a lot of you. Holidays have always been terrible for me. We have already had our Thanksgiving (in Canada) and it went well for me this year, but I hope the reason won't be repeating itself.

That was the weekend that my daughter got married. You all know that I was scared spitless about the whole event but for me it went ok.

Christmas has been a terrible time for me, since I was a child (I am now in my 50's). Even when my children were young I wouldn't open my presents in the living room. I just wanted to be left alone. I did get better with that but I still am happiest when it is all done.

I agree with mich. You are not a nobody. You care a wonderful perrson, whom I am glad that I am getting the chance to know.

Don't be ashamed of having a mental illness. Aren't the figures something like 1 in 5 will have a serious mental health episode (don't that sound sanitized) during the course of their lives. I consider myself very fortunate that I have so many friends in the forum to help me along. I know it means a lot to you too.

Mother's and daughter's always seem to have such complex relationships.

I too will be around at Christmastime. My daughter is coming for Christmas so it will be another stressful one. I so much want everything to go well. It is not fair to say that it never has been, but it hasn't been often.